Humour and Satire
Our Humour & Satire Team is the hub for all things funny. We lack comedic excellence so if you feel like joining this section please do as we need all the help we can get. We also desperately need people to join the Graphics Team, which meets at the same time as our humour meetings. Please draw for us.
We are accepting pitches and submissions at humour@cheesegratermagazine.org.
Halloween
UCL-themed Halloween costume ideas
So, it’s Halloween and you’ve only just realised you don’t have a costume. Well, don’t panic! I have compiled a list of the greatest UCL-themed Hallo...
My culture is not your costume
Ben Scanlan Sketch DirectorImage by Couleur from PixabayTo whom this may concern, Hi, my name is Jingles, and I’m a proud member of ...
An encounter with the phantom flatmate
Rhi Skelhorn, Shreya Jammalamadaka, and Tvisha MehtaFreya, first year History of Art BAWho are they? What do they do at uni? Maybe they’r...
Dear phantom flatmate
Jasmine Yiu
Graphics Editor
Bentham box suggestions
Nyla Rizvi
Graphics IllustratorThis graphic appeared in the Digestive 4
Jeremy Bentham returns from the Shadow Realm to haunt UCL students
UCL has issued a ‘DO NOT ENGAGE’ warning to all students regarding the annual appearance of a zombified Jeremy Bentham. Elgin EdisonZomb...
Spooking the market: Scala ticket value skyrockets on Halloween
Scala has finally gone public on the London Universities Stock Exchange, and traders have taken to WhatsApp group chats to buy and sell tickets, gran...
Man in white T-shirt and jeans at Halloween party insists he’s Homer Simpson
At a recent UCL Halloween Party, amongst the Freddy Kruegers’ and Spidermans’ was Biology student Chad Michaels, dressed in a short-sleeved white t-s...
All stories
Spotted on UCLove…
Shreya Jammalamadaka and Shriya Srinivasan
Humour and Graphics Team
...
Terrorism Society banned INSTANTLY
Members of the UCL Terrorism Society were heartbroken after the Students’ Union banned all future activity and are rejecting any applications to revi...
Union to merge all political societies
Students’ Union UCL was ‘proud to reveal’ that all political societies have now been conveniently merged into one big society dubbed ‘The Party’....
Chaos after Tory-led freshers’ fair riot
The recent Welcome Fair was infiltrated by the Gilet-wearing Conservative Society, who served biblical amounts of unlicensed alcohol to anyone who co...
Sack of potatoes in pole position for Tory leader
The final three candidates in the Conservative leadership race have come down to former crypto mogul turned prison inmate Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF), fo...
Papers please: USSR comes to Bloomsbury
If you have been on campus anytime in the past week, you may have mistaken the Main Quad for Moscow's Red Square in the Autumn of 1984. Robe...
Cycle rickshaws: the good, the bad, and the bedazzled
It’s the dead of night. Freshers week is finally upon you; after a long, listless summer. You drag yourself home, back from a club you don’t know the...
Top five spots on campus to have a breakdown in (tried and tested)
Has the thrill of Freshers been replaced by the eldritch horror that is Turnitin, or worse, UCL Accommodation? I’ve been there too. Just as the autum...
Diary of a Med Student: Strike Day #62
Dear Diary,Today was yet another disappointment. The consultant did not notice me yet again, not giving me any additional jobs to do. How else am...
So, the Woman You Were Interested In Tells You She’s A Lesbian
Marian JagoSo, it happened again. You started talking to someone you really liked and she seemed to really like you, so you foolishly allowed you...
Anti-Heroes, Loyalty and Redemption – Cinematic Parallels Between Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked and The Godfather I-III
Malvika MurkumbiA heart-wrenching tale of brotherhood, power, loyalty and redemption, this timeless piece of work has it all. Mike Mitchell’s cla...
Cars (2006) is a Cautionary Tale of Automotive Revolt
Mayra NassefWhen I think about the evolution of humanity in the 21st century, it can chronologically be categorised into two parts: before Cars (...
Campbell House Rat x Portico Pigeon
Lauren KleiffIt’s been a long winter. I’ve struggled to hide in the basement and to stay hidden from dangerous human eyes. I’ve struggled even mo...
Cheese Grater Satire Team at Risk of Closure
Nick MiaoThe Satire Team at The Cheese Grater Magazine is on the brink of collapse following the latest scandal by the UCL Conservative Society.
...
Latest Name Revealed in Epstein Court Documents: Climate Change
Izzie MoullUCL’s Cheese Grater Magazine has been given exclusive access to the latest Epstein court documents and can report one surprising n...
‘Toxic Gossip Train’ (Rebekah’s Version)
Rebekah Wright & Nick MiaoHello everyone, Investigations Editor Rebekah Wright, here. I just want to clear up a few things since I’ve recentl...
Top 5 Pisstastic Places Around Campus
Top 5 Pisstastic Places Around CampusMarian Jago and Nick MiaoHave you got a small bladder? Perhaps permanent nerve damage in your genital re...
Cheese Grater Satire Writer Insists He Is OK
Nick MiaoThe Cheese Grater writer responsible for our previous article titled Heartbreaking: The Voices In Your Head Just Made A Really Good Poin...
How to be a UCL Medical Student
Altay ShawSo, you’re studying medicine at UCL. Now that your parents are bragging to your extended family that you are intellectually superior to...
The Venture to the Void
Keziah ChoOn Charlotte Street one finds two households, both alike in dignity. Or at least that’s what UCL accommodation would have you believe. ...
Keir Starmer… A Day in the Life
This article was named first runner-up for Best Creative Piece at the 2024 Students Publication Association Awards.Ben ScanlanHello everyon...
Progressive Policy Suggestions for Keir Starmer
Nick MiaoPeople often say that Keir Starmer doesn’t believe in anything as if that’s a bad thing. What they don’t realise is that this means he w...
Fine, Fresh, and Full of Flu – The Diary of a Social Virus
Malvika MurkumbiDear Diary,This year’s crop moved in today! They’re all nervously smiling at each other and swapping Instagrams having the Hi-nic...
DKA Dream
Catrin JonesIn the midst of OSCE* season,(and perhaps that was the reason)I slept to a dream of DKA**,Envisioning my heroic slay,...
AITA for rebelling against my family and faith by dating a short-sighted girl?
Euan TohI (21M) am rebelling against my quasi-religious middle-class family by dating a girl who just so happens to be myopic (short-sighted)....
Heartbreaking: The Voices In Your Head Just Made A Really Good Point
Nick MiaoIn a heartbreaking series of events, the voices in your head have made a really good point, The Cheese Grater can report.The tragedy beg...
What UCL Hall are you???
Izzie MoullNow you're here and you're all settled into your 'cosy' room you might be wondering is this really the right halls for my vibe? If thi...
Avoiding a Knockout: Advice from a UCL dropout
Lauren KlieffIf you are thriving and full of enthusiasm to take on a new academic year; congratulations on your relative stability! Please relish...
All I Wanted Was Some Pesto: The Annual Student Migration Takes Its Toll
Izzie MoullMove in weekend here in London has clearly exacerbated the already delicate situation that Lidl experiences on a Sunday morning drivin...
Tilly’s Diary
Izzie MoullDear Diary,I told you back in September that I was quite shocked that only 3 of the 5 of my flatmates had gone to private school. ...
The UCL guide to being a covert Oxbridge reject
Lucy Reade1. Only tell people four of the Universities you applied to on UCAS: During the conversational hell that is Freshers Week, one icebreak...
Naked Yoga: A Belligerent Ode to the Pussy
Mathilde TurnerFor the first time in my rapidly lengthening life, a month and a half ago, I moved north of the river to Pimlico: London’s yummy m...
Straight out of Tottenham (Court Road)
Lucy ReadeI’d been living in London no less than a month when I had my first harrowing experience with knife crime. I was up Tottenham Court Road...
Rejected Dissertation Titles
Seth RobinsonMedicine: Exploring correlation between constellatory alignments and patient deaths in the ICU: Am I a psychopath or just a SUCH a G...
Silent Night
Izzie MoullSilent night, Holy nightAll is calm, all is brightRound yon builders, with hammers and drillsCeaseless Labour, work never ...
Decor 101
Soyoon KooFlat-hunting is a nightmarish ordeal for anybody with even a shred of sanity. We search, we scour, we scramble for our dream flat: a pl...
How to Sound like Your Cyborg Classmates
Joe Houghton & Co. Picture this: you have accidentally wandered into the wrong lecture room and out of sheer pride you refuse to admit your m...
Packed Lunches: A Story of Possession
Mathilde TurnerHalloween: the one night a year when it’s acceptable, and even encouraged, to want to be someone else. This year, I planned to be ...
Truss is a (Shit) Show
Izzie MoullOMFGG guys! She’s gone! I can’t believe she left so soon tho! Like I know Liz wasn’t the most popular but you could just see how much ...
Ode to Sports Night
Seth RobinsonIt’s Wednesday night - I sway slightly in the queue, Spearmint extra - Sauvignon just passed from mouth to loo, ...
What the Upcoming Mercury Retrograde Means for You
This article appeared in CG issue 83.
Advice to Freshers
This article appeared in CG issue 83.
Clearing the air.
To: cheesegrater_editor@ucl.ac.ukFrom: daddysemail@ucl.ac.uk(date: 26/9/2022, time: 02:32am)Subject: Disgust, Disappointment and Departur...
5 Study Spaces UCL don’t want YOU to know about
Have you ever reached the Student Centre at the crack of dawn only to be met with the grim realisation that those damned post-g...
Congrats on becoming a dad Michael Cera ❤️
I won’t be the first to say that Michael Cera is hugely underrated. It’s true that he has somewhat of a mini cult following in some circles of the int...
Netflix, please stop commissioning Wattpad fanfiction
Look, I get why Wattpad exists. It caters to a big audience. *imagine this narration in Vanessa Hudgens’ voice for the rest of the paragraph* I get it...
RIP to the Group of Students Traveling to Bath and Stonehenge
Although there have been many a correlation throughout my silly little life, such as that between how much coffee I drink in the morning and how m...
An Elegy for the £3 Meal Deal
In the last year, prices of household goods have risen by 5.5% on average; the fastest rate in the last thirty years, creating huge difficulties for f...
A little rant about sprinkles
I could go on for days about how classic rainbow sprinkles are an insult to the senses, but I have taken some time off today to condense my thoughts.
...
Molly-Mae is the QUEEN of QUOTES
You couldn’t have measured my delight when blonde brains, beauty and Love Island icon, not to mention ALLITERATIVE NAME LEGEND, Molly-Mae, revealed th...
Butter on Toast Recipe
Users rated this recipe: ★★★★★/5 starsHundreds of people make butter on toast every day. Who doesn’t love easy, cheap, nutritionally worthless, co...
What’sAppening with this WhatsApp shite?
Disgruntled third year aka pensionerTRIGGER WARNING: MARK ZUCKERBERGI was content once. I could dip into the group chat for my society, my hal...
Woman reminded of her own mortality by mild stomach pain during night
A woman has reported being shaken to her core after experiencing moderate gastrointestinal discomfort during the early hours of Thursday morning. ...
I Miss the GameCube WaveBird, the Best Controller Nintendo Ever Made
Subdue beginning appear have fill also their sea i you’re i from under, moving appear light may waters evening grass shall morning winged. First fort...
You
Hmmm…who are you? Based on your 18th century clothes, you must be some historical figure, someone most important.You’re holding a walking stick be...
The Classics, Re-Reviewed
Out with the old, in with the new: a Gen Z-millennial hybrid brings you an unwanted perspective on several ‘classics’ written by – you...
Socialising 101 for Dummies at Uni
Disclaimer: a hearty amount of alcohol will make the next 6 steps much, much easier. Leave your room! I know the world is a big, scary place, bu...
Letters to the Editor
Madam/Sir,Having lived on this earth for over two decades, my opinion on many things has evolved over time. However, there is one thing that has n...
An Ode to Coughing
It was my first lecture back and I was so excited, until I felt a tickle in the back of my throat! Oh No! I thought to myself. Then out it came, a mas...
Breaking News: Influencers Have Completely Lost It As Instagram Enters Its 6th Hour of Not Working
Monday 4th October 2021, c.10:45pm BST. Hello and welcome to the totally real and not made up Cheese Grater Live News Report (otherwise known by o...
Cheese Grater Admits to Endorsing SU Agenda
In light of recent allegations that the Cheese Grater magazine panders to the SU agenda, we would like to confirm that this is undoubtedly, undeniably...
Vaguely Finance-related Society Name Generator, On Sale NOW!
Want to work in finance but need to spruce up your CV? Ever heard the term ‘spring week’, given it a Google, and seen fireworks appear as you realised...
A Sonnet for Sin Bin
Shall I compare thee to A Wednesday EveFor you smell of VK, and of JagerRough times have meant that you now must leaveBut in Wicked Studen...
Teenager X
Teenager X, as written for an American high-school themed TV show by a fully grown adult (sample script)“HEY! You wanna go to a fucking party???”“...
LinkedIn Notification: Charles Smith Has Just Posted For The First Time In A While
Charles Smith - Bronze Duke of Edinburgh, BSC, MBA, OBEFailure is a part of life.I learnt this in my first year at university, when I was reje...
‘If’
‘If’ - by Rudyard Kipling Stanley Johnson
If you can lose your head when all about youAre keeping theirs and not blaming you,If you will tru...
Grammarly: Your Free Online Writing Assistant
Writing is NOT that easy, but Grammarly can help. Grammarly’s CUTTING EDGE technology (that means technology that’s at a very advanced stage) helps yo...
UCL’s Plan to Keep Our Tuition Fees, Exposé by Billy Fresher
Hola fellow youths. In all my years dropping in and out of first year at UCL, I’ve never really felt that tuition fees were worth it. I keep on paying...
An Anonymous Letter To People Who Don’t Believe in Astrology
Dear Astrology Haters,How are you doing? There was recently a new moon in Pisces, which you were unaware of. Did you let go of what has not been s...
The Unspoken Impact of COVID-19
The pandemic has affected everyone. The news is riddled with stories of people losing their jobs, their relatives and their homes… yet, no one ever sp...
Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets
1. Students are stupid and Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets (PGTAs) do everything we can to make you feel inferior to us.2. PGTAs hold a se...
Book Review: ‘An Oxbridge Education’ (London, Penguin, 2020)
Professor Smith’s new book on the consequences of an Oxbridge education is good, given her circumstances. It must have been tough coming from a London...
An Article that is Not About the Pandemic
Across both mainstream and student publications, all people can talk about is COVID-19. Do they think we don’t notice? They are simply finding new and...
Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets
1. Students are stupid and Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets (PGTAs) do everything we can to
make you feel inferior to us.
2. PGTAs hold a sec...
Crisis on the Central Line
Amidst ongoing problems in the city’s transport network, worrying reports have emerged of multiple gates being broken at Aldgate tube station in the C...
Updated UCL Careers Advice
As it turns out, entering the UK job market this year won’t be quite as easy as walking into the US capitol. What with the ongoing pandemic and incomi...
Olivia Rodrigo’s Driving Instructor Reveals All
This month, Olivia Rodrigo’s smash hit ‘Drivers License’ has taken the internet by storm, becoming the first song to achieve 200 million Spotify strea...
Coronavirus: Matt Hancock announces further fair and reasonable lockdown rules
Without Matt Hancock, where would Britain be? One can only speculate. Of course, had Hancock not been at the helm of British healthcare during a deadl...
Priti Patel Retrains as the Child Snatcher
Last night Home Secretary and renowned bully Priti Patel was fired from Boris Johnson’s cabinet, after it emerged that her 14 day holiday to the Democ...
The 25 Stages of Writing a Satire Article
Brainstorm
Research
Is there anything interesting at UCL?
Jezzzzaaaa
Contemplation of daily routine
How do I make this objectively ...
How I Recreated the Freshers Experience Living with my Parents
By Billy Fresher, big shot journalistHey there fellow youths. It's me, Billy Fresher. I've been dropping in and out of first year since 2013 and w...
Among Us
This appeared in Issue 74
Disrupt Your Thinking
This appeared in Issue 74
Count Your Blessings
That One Annoying Guy at The Front of The Lecture Hall Is Struggling to Convey Just How Much He Knows Over Zoom
The situation this year has put stres...
In Defence of Covidian Freshers (by Fresher)
If one more gloating third year looks at me sadly, sighs and says: ‘I just feel so bad for you’, or ‘You’re so brave going into halls this year’, or ‘...
Cheese Grater Guides: How to Speak Like Emily in Paris
Have you watched the latest binge-watch phenomenon on Netflix? Did you think Emily was just bloody well adorable? Do you want to pay a visit to the ci...
Economic Forecasting
V-, L-, or U-shaped recovery? Economists run out of letters to describe their forecasts.
Chief economists are looking for someone with GCSE Art to he...
Cling Film Life Hacks
This simple trick with cling film will change your life
I’m sure you are all familiar with cling film. You probably have some in your kitchen. Maybe ...
How to make a WikiHow article
Header image: https://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Successful-Lawyer
Brexit: A Living Museum
It’s Thursday night. I turn up to this event where an important politician is supposed to speak. I’ve been told about this event by a friend, but I do...
LGBTQ Month: Werewolf edition
Artist: Alice Fraser EdwardsThis appeared in CG Issue 71
5 Ways To Get In Shape For Module Registration
Would you look at that? Our favourite time of the year has already been and gone! That’s right. The week-long period where for two short windows a day...
Boris Serves Tea, Casual Racism and Misogyny
Artist: Riddhi Kanetkar
Loose Lips Might Sink Trade Negotiations
This appeared in CG Issue 70
Brexit TV
There was something odd about Netflix’s medievalist flick, The King – and I’m not talking about Timothée Chalamet’s English accent, because that was n...
Barexit: A History of Brexit In a Drinks Menu
This appeared in CG 69
Boris did THAT?
This appeared in CG 69
European Migration: The Cheese Grater’s Plan
The latter half of this decade has exposed some of the deep-rooted illnesses that New Labour laissez fester in our society; from increased inequality ...
Labour’s New Leadership Hopefuls
It’s been a whirlwind couple of days for Greater Britain and there is one question on every pair of metropolitan political elite lips in the land: who...
Merry Christmas from Universities UK!
This appeared in CG 69
Brought to you by @factcheckUK
Artist: Ella Schlesinger
The Secret To Failure: Barbara is Back
Hey guys. Barbara Tresemmé’s the name, a failed career in public speaking’s the game. You might remember me from the riotously popular article ‘The Se...
‘Future Leaders or Fun-Killing, School-Missing, Planet-Destroying Idiots? An Objective Take on Youth Climate Strikers in 2019′
Francis K. Whitt is the environmental editor for the Male Observer, an award-winning magazine that uses facts and logic to decode some of our era’s mo...
Provost thoughts
This appeared in CG 66.
Peppa Pig as symbol and symptom of neo-colonialism: why the Financial Times was right
This appeared in CG 66.
The search for the next Provost begins
Michael Arthur will be stepping down as Provost at the end of September 2020, and the search is on for his successor. The Cheese Grater reviews the ca...
Giving head: Jeremy Bentham speaks
Greetings and salutations, guys, girls and everything in between. For those who don’t know me, I’m the shrivelled up, bollocky-looking thing you pass ...
My Best Friend Genghis
This appeared in CG 65.
Special announcement for commuters
This appeared in CG 65.
The Fuzz: UCL’s quality online magazine
This appeared in CG 65.
*IMPORTANT* New exam venue details
This article appeared in CG 65.
Cringe! You kinda asked for it
This appeared in CG 65.
Students’ Union under fire as emotional support dog exposes harsh treatment
Students’ Union UCL has come under fire this week after reports of mistreatment from one of its recent guests.
Gruffles, an emotional support Shih Tz...
Puzzlemaster Wendy’s Suko Puzzler
This article appeared in CG 65.
Fair’s Fair UCL
This article appeared in CG 65.
In the Bleak Midwinter: A UCL tale
In the bleak midwinter
The IOE made moan
The building’s slowly crumbling
Like an old grey stone
Concrete is piling up
Block on block
In the blea...
CRINGE!
This article appeared in CG Issue 64.
The Cheese Grater Magazine’s London Hot Spot Watch
This article appeared in CG Issue 64.
Smashed Avocado
Darcy BounsallThis cartoon appeared in CG Issue 64.
A sneak peak into our next issue…
This article appeared in CG Issue 64.
#UCLCares
Were you fortunate enough to receive one of the #UCLCares keyrings in your fresher’s week? You’ll be thrilled to know that UCL is providing all f...
Labour’s Brexit position revealed
Our Position on BrexitOur position on Brexit is perfectly clear: Labour is aware of Brexit. We will negotiate with the national ...
Interview: Jordan “B” Peterson
Jordan B Peterson’s overnight ascent from sexless provincial college professor to international cultural icon has taken the world by storm. His new b...
Free Bike Maintenance
This appeared in CG Issue 63.
IMPORTANT: Timetabling Update
This article appeared in CG Issue 63.
Exclusive: Boris Johnson’s first speech as Prime Minister
Draft #64I have just been to Buckingham Palace, where Her Majesty The Queen has asked me to form a new government, and I accepted.First of all...
In conversation with… Michael Arthur
It’s Thursday afternoon and fresher Daniel Jones is on route to meeting UCL’s provost Michael Arthur for what could be a ground-breaking interview. Th...
UC(tel)L(y)
TV Listings Wednesday 7 October
UC(tel)L(y)
Freeview: 007, Sky: 127, Virgin Media: 132, The Telescreen In Your UCL Room: 0011800 NEWS AT SIX
Cu...
#UCLouvain
Hi there Fr-iend-esher! Have you got any questions about coming to ?Oh, hello. Yes, sorry, this is then?Yes! This is - welcome friend!No...
Drug Talk: Theresa May Talks Running Through a Field of Weed
Hundreds of millions of students a day are using hard drugs in London alone. Every month, The Cheese Grater will be asking a figure in youth culture w...
UCL’s White Christmas
Tara Sarangi and Colette AllenThis was published in CG Issue 60.
Logan Paul’s Big Announcement
Disgraced Internet star and future POTUS Logan Paul has returned to YouTube with a 7-minute confessional video, explaining that, from now on, he hopes...
The Cheese Grater At Risk Of Closure
Following SUUCL's much maligned decision to cut all funding to The Cheese Grater this term, editors, contributors, readers and clairvoyants ha...
“Regal Carpet” Review
Not quite a “Crapet” but certainly quite crap in some respectsI found this carpet quite sturdy and it almost fully supports me, but I’m still not ...
A.A. Gill, Back From The Dead, Comes To UCL
Venue: Digital Engagement in Archaeology: Strategies and Evaluation Methods Conference, South CloistersPrice: FreeSet in UCL’s resplendent sou...
Theresa May’s Diary Leaked To Press
The Cheese Grater is proud to reveal a few of the most tantalising titbits from PM Theresa May’s personal diary. These excerpts provide an invaluable ...
What Is UCL’s Favourite Spoon?
The Cheese Grater held an exclusive interview with UCL provost Michael Arthur to put an end to the ceaseless debates and bitter arguments over the que...
A Quick Catch Up With Ed Miliband
Ten minutes after I arrive at the hotel room I hear a knock at the door.“Come in.”Miliband walks through the door and sits across from me....
We Interviewed Bellogate Expert Mr Replé Aull About Today’s Shenanigans
Interviewer: Mr Aull, thank you for coming in on such short notice.Replé: It is no problem. I have a dedicated laptop signed into UCL’s email syst...
Israel-Palestine Conflict Resolved In Comments Section Of The Guardian
In what has been described as a breakthrough for international diplomacy, the Israel-Palestine border dispute, often viewed as one of the most content...
I Quit My Day Job To Travel The World
It fucking sucks, please help me.Just a few years ago, I was like you. Stuck in a dead-end fifty hour a week, £60K a year job, doing the 9-5 – run...
The Tab Caves To Student Pressure
The Tab London has followed the wishes of students announcing on Twitter today that "by popular demand it will now be merely a fortnightly list of who...
Casanovas’ Corner: We Give You Our Secrets To Sex
Every man dreams of being the best she’s ever had, and as it's the season of giving, it’s time you got the inside scoop. We’ve scoured the internet, s...
This One Stupid Thing Will Ruin The Cruciform For You Forever
The architect Alfred Waterhouse is known for beautiful Gothic buildings; the Natural History Museum, Balliol College in Oxford, and our very own C...
The Secret To Success: The Three Rules Of Studying
Professor Barbara Tresemmé is an internationally renowned expert in education, claiming diplomas from various universities. She has agreed to share wi...
Uber’s London Licence Extended Indefinitely
The Cheese Grater can reveal that the termination of Uber’s operating licence in the capital will be repealed yet again as talks between the taxi hire...
Fresher Wonders Why No One Will Talk To Him As Social Grace Period Ends
“It all changed when I got back from the Christmas holidays” said Marcus Wilson. “People who would have previously nodded politely at my fictional boa...
Which Usuli Twelver Ayatollah And District Of Serbia Is Your University?
Let's be honest, it was only a matter of time. Now I know, I know: the old 'which Usuli Twelver Ayatollah and district of Serbia is your university?' ...
Hurl! Hurl! Hurl! (To Everything There Is a Season)
One of UCL's cleaners (not underpaid or undervalued by UCL or students at all!) shares their experience...When you get to my age, you really learn...
UCL Pioneers Way To Improve Student Satisfaction
Roused into action by being placed 120th in the country for student satisfaction, UCL has thrown its black heart and soul into cheering up its disaffe...
What your course looks like, according to everyone else
You’d think that categorising students by their subject would be an obvious attempt to rely on tired old tropes in a desperate plea to get people to c...
Nostalgia, Actually
This year, prepare yourselves for the film so English it’s probably racist: Love Actually 2.
Richard Curtis’ beloved romcom returns with a sobering r...
Vegetarian eats Mexican man in “tragic misunderstanding”
Mexican Mondays/ Meat-Free Mondays Mix-Up
The Cheese Grater can reveal shocking developments surrounding the death of UCL student, Carlos Gonzalez.
...
That controversial David Cameron speech in full
The former man visited Eton College on the last day of term.
“Thank you, thank you. It seems like only yesterday I myself was leaving this fine schoo...
Wow! This guy’s predictions from 100 years ago will blow your mind!
Claire Voyant takes a look at Roy O'Sullivan's playful predictions of yesteryear.
One hundred years ago this month, The Cheese Grater published a col...
Wow! One magic trick and your locker is protected forever!
Magick Spelles for Everyday Life: Spelle Foure - Protecting Yowre Lockere
Of alle the mystick artes, it is the Charmes of Protection that requyre the...
“Condiments of the Stars” – This week, Jeremy Corbyn’s Favourite Jams!
My favourite jams – by Jeremy Corbyn
Hello everybody.If there’s one thing we can agree on it is that 2016 was a wonderful year for jam. I person...
A very patriotic Valentine’s Day to you all
President Donald Trump’s latest executive order has declared February 14th as National Patriotic 10s Day.
“To make America great again, America must ...
Donald Trump Inauguration Speech “Plagiarised Hussein”
Speech borrows heavily from former Iraqi President, critics claim
President Donald Trump has been caught red-handed in his inauguration speech.T...
A Forbidden Lust: An Ode to Ivanka
Now that that whole "election" thing is over, former businessman Donald Trump can relax and enjoy his favourite past-time: writing poetry.
When I see...
This man’s reaction to getting pranked was absolutely priceless!
When local man Nick Fields was pranked on Saturday, his reaction was just utterly priceless. Paul O’Hara, the prankster in question, did not expect su...
SAVAGE, UCLU’s Premier Arts and Culture Journal, Interviews Ed Balls
Always at the vanguard of the London culture scene, UCLU’s arts journal “SAVAGE” presents an exclusive interview with dancing sensation Ed Balls.I...
Theresa May’s Neonatal Passport Checks
A Cheese Grater Investigations Exclusive
The Prime Minister has unveiled a pilot scheme that will require all newborn babies to carry a British pass...
SAVAGE interviews Christmas’ most controversial figurehead, Santa Claus
I stand outside the Lapland Embassy on Belgravia's Chesham Place, shivering culturally in my D&G brogues. A homeless man approaches me for some ch...
Pi Comment: Why, at 21, I’m rejecting the damaging Santa Claus myth
For all my 21 years, the esteemed St. Nicholas has managed to find the time, energy, and gymnastic prowess to fit his portly stature through my chimne...
The Herstory of the Potato
Everything Pi Mag’s patriarchal history of the spud didn’t tell you.
Is there a more radical food than the potato? I would argue no. Most people don’...
The Provost’s Dream Diary
January 5th: dreamt that a swiss old cruel man with tiny cloth eyes sold me a whistle I played the whistle and hannah sketchley became unhappy 6/10
...
An Exclusive Interview with Richard d’Urquhart
Chorles Higson meets the UK’s most depraved food critic
When I first see d’Urquhart, he is squatting outside the Tesco on Goodge Street, devouring a ...
Just The Tips For Valentines!
Some STEAMY tips to spice up your love life!
With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, those lucky enough to have the love-bug steadfastly chewing on th...