Cheese Grater Satire Team at Risk of Closure

Nick Miao

The Satire Team at The Cheese Grater Magazine is on the brink of collapse following the latest scandal by the UCL Conservative Society.

This comes as the UCL Conservatives cancelled yet another ‘Port and Policy’ event in which organisers had hoped to debate the most insane, batshit crazy policy proposals whilst drinking fortified wine, on UCL premises, under the banner of Students’ Union UCL.

There are mixed reactions within The Cheese Grater Magazine. Whilst the Investigations Team thinks they have hit the jackpot, the Tories’ latest move has left the Satire Team fearing for their jobs.

One satire writer declared this to be the ‘death of satire at UCL’: ‘It used to be the case that we would make up funny stories about what kind of insane far-right shit they would debate at Tory Soc. But now they actually just debate insane far-right shit. At this point, we’re just reporting facts. What is the point of journalism if I can’t make shit up anymore?’

In a desperate plea, satire editor Izzie Moull issued a statement demanding the UCL Conservatives to ‘stop being such fucking fascists’. She added that ‘There is nothing left to satirise if you lot are actually this right wing in real life’. It is understood that she has since been transferred to write for the Investigations Team.

Cheese Grater Treasurer Altay Shaw has said if this continues for much longer, the magazine will have no choice but to merge its Satire Team into its Investigations Team: ‘We are closely monitoring the situation to assess the long-term sustainability of satire at The Cheese Grater Magazine.’