A woman has reported being shaken to her core after experiencing moderate gastrointestinal discomfort during the early hours of Thursday morning. 

‘I mean, I’m normally pretty healthy,’ she began. ‘I only smoke socially, that is, with friends on most weeknights, and I can’t even finish a whole packet of chocolate Digestives on my own.’

But last night, her surety became not-so-sure. 

‘I was experiencing some definite twinges in the lower left-hand region of my abdomen, and when I took a Rennie* they didn’t go away’, she explained. ‘I was lying awake at 2am, and although I tried having some Kellogg’s Fruit and Fibre** to settle my stomach, I still felt like I needed to fart.’

As she quickly discovered, the first casualty of stomachache is innocence. 

‘I thought I was invincible, really. You know how no one thinks they’re going to die? Yeah, well that was me. And now? Well…I just don’t know. My stomach making all these gurgling noises makes me think that something could be wrong. What if my body is failing me? What if I have a tapeworm? Can tapeworms eat humans?’ 

Not long after uttering this sentence, she fell asleep. She woke up at 9.47am feeling perfectly well. 

*DISCLAIMER: The Cheese Grater Magazine, University College London is not sponsored by Rennie. You may also wish to ingest Gaviscon to diversify your portfolio.

**DISCLAIMER II: The Cheese Grater Magazine, University College London is not sponsored by Kellogg’s Fruit and Fibre. You may also ingest Coco Pops, Shreddies or a cereal of your choice to diversify your portfolio.