The Cheese Grater At Risk Of Closure

Following SUUCL’s much maligned decision to cut all funding to The Cheese Grater this term, editors, contributors, readers and clairvoyants have condemned the move, claiming that it represents a grave threat to freedom of speech not just at UCL, but also in the wider western world.

Responding to these developments, Larry Venal, current editor of The Cheese Grater, said: ‘I don’t think I’m treading on any toes with my overly big boots when I count The Cheese Grater among the most important institutions in the western world – right up there with democracy, The Tab, and mens rea. Every time I walk into Mully’s and see the huge piles of The Cheese Grater Easter 2009 issue in the mail bins waiting to be read, I’m filled with this great feeling of honour. We really are very, very good.’

Amid widespread demonstrations over The Cheese Grater‘s impending closure, twenty world leaders have announced their plans to march through Portico in protest of the decisions taken by SUUCL. In addition to this, Chesney Hawkes and Peter Andre have reportedly teamed up to record a charity single in support of The Cheese Grater.

When asked to comment, Rene Lavancy, the founder of The Cheese Grater, made a strange snuffling noise and muttered something about infrastructure in Lithuania before condemning The Cheese Grater’s ‘ill-advised’ move to use staples in their magazine.

Peace talks with the Taliban have reportedly been postponed until a reasonable solution can be found, with a number of leading economists and diplomats stepping in to offer their advice.

‘It really sets a worrying precedent’ said forensic astrologist Michael Wimmer, ‘to see a beacon of journalistic integrity like The Cheese Grater go down the plug. Where else am I meant to go to read such hard-hitting articles as ‘This man’s reaction to getting pranked was absolutely priceless!’ or ‘Condiments of the Stars’? I don’t mean to throw stones at a rolling piece of moss, but it has to be said: Democracy is under threat’.

No one was available for comment.

Hoogivez A. Foq