‘Toxic Gossip Train’ (Rebekah’s Version)

Rebekah Wright & Nick Miao

Hello everyone, Investigations Editor Rebekah Wright, here. I just want to clear up a few things since I’ve recently been the victim of a number of unsubstantiated allegations against my professional integrity (I would know about that because I edit investigations and I am a very serious journalist). 

I understand these allegations may be entertaining to those in lesser forms of ‘journalism’ (the satire team). However, certain members of the satire team recently equated my love of Calibri (body) – the default Microsoft font between 2007 to 2023 – with a political affinity for the Liberal Democrats. I’m not sure if satire members learn this in their History and Politics of the Americas degrees, but I want to emphasise that correlation is not causation. Let me be clear: I support these two causes independently. If every Calibri lover was a Liberal Democrat we would have won a General Election by now. Calibri users are a silent majority oppressed by far-right reactionary forces (Times New Roman users). My adoration of Calibri exists independently from my adoration of former deputy Prime Minister and VP of Meta Sir Nick Clegg. 

I then tried to defend myself from this Calibri hatred by sharing that I am growing to like Times New Roman. Following this, another member of the satire team branded me a ‘fascist sympathiser’. I vehemently refute these allegations. Just because I don’t mind Times New Roman, it does not mean I am a fascist sympathiser (even if a lot of fascist sympathisers are Times New Roman users). You can trust that this is factual because I am the Investigations Editor and therefore I am good at investigating. 

I will also condemn members of the satire team using my own words against me. I do not think our Provost Michael Spence is ‘amazing’ – a view the Satire ‘Editor’ Isabelle Moull (my mortal enemy) recently levied against me. This is a completely unsubstantiated claim because as a Liberal Democrat I don’t have opinions. 

I would like to apologise if anyone was offended by my views and claims. As a Liberal Democrat, all I want is to be liked by everyone. Please speak to our President with any further questions. Thank you.