Theresa May’s Neonatal Passport Checks

 A Cheese Grater Investigations Exclusive

The Prime Minister has unveiled a pilot scheme that will require all newborn babies to carry a British passport for inspection upon exit from the womb.

The plan is part of the government’s recent efforts to crack down on the so-called ‘maternity tourism’ that has seen foreign newborns taking lavish holidays in NHS hospitals. In a speech at UCLH Mrs May stated that “the birth canal is the largest hole left in UK border control” and that it is vital that the NHS “gets every penny” from any babies not eligible for taxpayer-funded care.

However, critics of the programme have expressed concerns that recent administrative backlogs, caused by the EU referendum, could mean that 9 months is simply not enough time for a baby to apply for and receive a passport preceding its birth.

Despite this, Mrs May has insisted that any baby who fails to provide adequate documentation prior to the cutting of the umbilical chord will be promptly “sent back up” with no grounds for appeal. “There’s no womb at the inn,” she jested, “so I’d invest in some forceps.”

Philip. N. Tubes