So. It’s Halloween, and you’ve got a shit house party to go to tonight. And you don’t have a costume. You gimp. You total fucking idiot.
This is why mummy doesn’t love you and why daddy won’t let you inherit the poolhouse. Don’t you worry though, here at The Cheese Grater we understand the struggle. As the designated funniest people at UCL, we have a duty to help all the plebs out there with all their funny related needs. Without further ado, here are some of the best Halloween costumes for 2025:
1) Performative male
You know ‘em, you (probably don’t love ‘em). The worst person you know just really understands the female struggle, and he’s just so angry at the inventor of period cramps. So touching I could weep. For this, I’ve attached the module information for UCL’s MA in Gender Studies, Society and Representation — pick something from the reading list and pop it into your “I’m going to call this band indie but they’re more mainstream than anything else but I want to seem cool and not like other boys so I’m going to say they’re indie” tote bag. Please don’t read it, though. That entirely defeats the purpose. Obviously a Blank Street matcha is essential; and you also need to remember to tell every woman you see how much you love Greta Gerwig’s films. Ladies, ladies. Please. One at a time.
2) UCL security guard
Weirdly, my work makes me wear the exact same jacket that UCL security staff wear, so you already know exactly what I’m going as this year. Paired with some simple black trousers and the most miserable expression known to man, you will be instantly recognisable at any dire party you may choose to go to. If you’re feeling extra, you can even stand in the doorway and demand to see student ID as people walk in, causing them to panic and spill their possessions all over the place.
3) Labubu
Fuck my life, I can’t believe I’m actually putting this in here. Oooo you love labubus, do you? You want to dress as the world’s only 24 carat gold labubu? You fucking pleb. You actual pissbaby. Get help. No one likes you. No one finds 67 funny.
4) Lesbian Cheese Grater baddie
The easiest, most scientifically proven way of pulling bitches on Halloween — you dress like a lesbian Cheese Grater baddie. What does this involve, you ask? Being a lesbian Cheese Grater baddie is a state of mind, and what matters most is that you embody this within your costume. Wear those chunky rings and massive platform boots — or don’t. Adorn yourself from head to toe in Boygenius merch and flaunt your gay little iced oat coffee. Do whatever you must. But the most important thing here is the mindset. To dress as a lesbian Cheese Grater baddie, you must think like a lesbian Cheese Grater baddie. Every reference you make must be an Alvin and the Chipmunks one. You must say “it’s long bro”, “big if true”, or “if yer bird” at least seven times a day. Extra points if you bring your ex that you’re now best friends with and definitely aren’t weirdly close to.
5) Jeremy Bentham
Jeremy Bentham jokes are never made by UCL students and are sure to be original. Seriously, in my 2 years at UCL I am yet to see Jeremy Bentham be the butt of any joke. We here at The Cheese Grater have never done this. Dress up as Jezza, and no doubt all of your friends will find it fucking hilarious.
6) UCL East shuttle bus (couple’s costume)
For all of you out there looking for a costume to match with that extra special someone (FUCK YOU), why not try something especially topical? UCL recently shared that they would be launching a shuttle bus to ferry students between Stratford station and UCL East, and what better way to show your love for one another than through the use of a giant bus?!?!?!?
Ladies, if he doesn’t let you be at the front, then he doesn’t love you and you should break up with him. I can treat you better. My number is 07514-
7) House
Moving on. It’s always Lupus. House.
8) For the love of god, not another Patrick Bateman costume
Statistically speaking you’re a reader of The Cheese Grater so you’re probably not a neurotypical straight white man. But on the off chance that you are, please for crying out loud do not dress up as Patrick Bateman, Donald Trump, or any black face. You are not “literally” American Psycho. We have enough people in MAGA hats that do the Trump wank off dance in the Economics and Finance Society. Your “ironic” black face costume isn’t funny and will ruin your future career prospects unless you’re part of a Canadian political dynasty, in which case you will become Prime Minister.
9) Reform UK candidate
This will go down well with everyone. You will surely not regret dressing as a Reform political candidate, as they are all generally well liked and so attractive and funny. You will surely not regret going into a leftist pub dressed as said candidate and telling everyone who cares to hear it about all your beautiful policy ideas. You are so funny and so clever. Everyone loves you.
10) LinkedIn bro
I truly believe that LinkedIn is the source of all evil. This isn’t even a satirical bit. If LinkedIn ceased to exist tomorrow every issue ever would be solved. This Halloween, dress up as that one guy who turns up to lectures in a suit and posts about his most recent shit on LinkedIn. No, there isn’t a learning opportunity from your Discord e-sex. No, Bonnie Blue does not need to know how you would’ve marketed the Bang Bus. No, I don’t care about the letter you wrote to the local council about the public toilet being blocked (this one was actually something I saw, not even joking.).
As you can see, there are many amazing costume ideas for Halloween. If you’re really out of ideas, there’s always the option of going out butt-naked. It’s well funny and not a crime. Do it. If you’re bad.
