Would you look at that? Our favourite time of the year has already been and gone! That’s right. The week-long period where for two short windows a day you must sprint through the sleet to search for an office to wait for an hour to be told that the class you wanted is full and that you should have sent an email but you did that yesterday and they told you to come in person and now you don’t know what’s real anymore and you have to crawl back to your parent department alone and ashamed.

In order to prepare your bodies and souls for the next of these biannual slaps in the face we have compiled a list of the best training methods for UCL module registration.

1. Learn to Biathlon. This combination of cross-country skiing and shooting will prepare you in all the right ways. Physically you’ll be able to sprint at high speed from building to building before slowing your heart rate on an itchy chair for what feels like a decade. Socially, after a week of knocking poles with biathletes you’ll emerge with the perfect posh accent for convincing registrars that you know what you’re doing even if Papá isn’t really paying for your education.

2. Run a marathon. Endless running, body cramps, and nipple chaffing. Notorious elements of class registration.

3. Take “The Knowledge”. Much like how a cab driver knows every street in London, you’re going to need to know every office in UCL if you’re going to survive. Might as well learn the street names they’re on. Or, better yet, learn the direct route to Heathrow, get on a flight, and never come back.

4. Learn binary. 00110101101 011011010…am I right??!!

5. Call your mum. After seeing how your parent department treats you during this process you realise that your actual parents aren’t all that bad. Just give them a ring. Who knows, after a week like this you might be settling into their basement again.

 


This appeared in CG Issue 71