Hi everyone! I’m pleased to announce that I am writing The Cheese Grater’s first-ever sponsored article! That’s right, the London Tourist Board has trusted us to write a short piece explaining to potential tourists why London is the right spot for their next vacation!
Let’s start off with London’s must-see sights!
Big Ben
Big Ben is the big clock tower by the river where all of the MPs live! MP stands for Meat Person, and they are the people who make the laws in London! Just be careful not to be rude to them on Twitter or they will stab you to death. A fun fact that only locals know is that Big Ben is actually the name of the bell, the tower itself is called Large Benjamin, and his surname is Crisps.
Eye
The Coca-Cola eye is a big wheel, originally part of a large bicycle that got bombed during the Blitz! Now it serves as Coca-Cola’s all-seeing eye.
London Bridge
Every bridge in London is actually London Bridge because it is a bridge in London. Did you know that the original London Bridge was not actually a bridge! It was a man called Robert, who molested me as a boy.
Chicken Ranch
Chicken Ranch on 48 Rosebery Avenue in Clerkenwell. It’s really good (I’m serious).
Don’t miss these sights…
How about you check out some of London’s chic-est neighbourhoods! Like Camden, home of crusty punks, fake vintage clothing, and some of the most overpriced gimmick food that was ever conceived! Yeah fuck it. Wrap an entire roast dinner up in a large Yorkshire pudding. Yeah fuck it, I’ll pay £80 for a smash burger that’s entirely submerged in a vat of molten cheese. Fuck it, give me a bagel I have to ingest rectally. Oh sorry! A beigel. Twat.
Or if you’d rather stay on the beaten path, try central London, just make sure you keep your phone locked away at home, otherwise a 13-year-old in a bally will steal it, stab you to death, and the police will end up putting you in handcuffs.
If American candy shops and clothing stores you’ve never heard of are your thing, try Oxford Street! Or how about Leicester Square if you fancy being street interviewed and then stabbed to death by a 13-year-old on a Lime bike! Maybe you’d like to try Covent Garden? Just be careful you don’t cross that group of wealthy brandy-melville-clad 13-year-old girls! Otherwise they’ll stab you to death with the knife they just shoplifted from Urban Outfitters.
London famously has an amazing nighttime economy for you party animals! Some pubs even stay open until 5:30pm! If you do go to a pub, make sure you try London’s famous beer, Gaked Geans! It’s half a pint of Guinness mixed with half a pint of cold Baked Beans! Mmmm! Tasty! And make sure you Split the G! Otherwise you’ll get stabbed to death by an unemployed “Graphic Designer” from Dalston, who is wearing nothing but Carhartt and Birkenstock Bostons (in faded khaki suede – very litty lengy!)
Hopefully that has provided you potential tourists with more than enough inspiration for your upcoming trip to London! Now, one final piece of advice – Never know where you are going, always walk as slowly as possible, and make sure you lose any sense of spatial awareness!
Bon Voyage, or, as the British say, Bon Voyage!
This article appeared in the Digestive 5
Feature image by Mary Hinkley/UCL Media Services via UCL Imagestore
