Israel-Palestine Conflict Resolved In Comments Section Of The Guardian

In what has been described as a breakthrough for international diplomacy, the Israel-Palestine border dispute, often viewed as one of the most contentious socio-political issues of modern times, has finally been resolved.

After days of negotiations, hostile debate, and over 150 Facebook likes, housewife Brenda Reid (43) and urban-dance student Craig Grimble (19) believe they have solved all of the most pressing issues at the heart of the conflict, which has raged on for over half a century and has claimed many thousands of lives.

Negotiations began on Saturday evening when, in response to a Guardian article concerning President Trump’s recent decision to recognise Jerusalem, the millennia-old city that is so important to many world religions, as the capital of Israel, Mrs. Reid, who ‘has a lot of friends that are foreigners’, asserted that ‘I say we stop giving money to every socialist country and dictatorship on planet Earth AKA THE SHITHOLES’.

Mr. Grimble, a self-described ‘sorta’-liberal-anarchosyndicalist-sorta’-green-humanitarian’, responded by saying that Mrs. Reid was bigoted, and that her attitude would lead to hate and unrest. And so it began.

At times it seemed that negotiations might not come to fruition. Five comments in, Harry Dirrick (13) chimed in with a photo of Nicholas Cage’s face photoshopped onto Kim Jong-un, leading to a stream of entirely unrelated memes by onlookers. Later on, Mr. Grimble accused Mrs. Reid of being a Nazi, to which she responded with a plethora of angry emojis and exclamation marks.

But after much argument and mediation, both parties agreed to release a statement declaring that ‘tbf i don’t think either of us really know enough about this to get into an argument and i think theres a big coverup over chemtrails anyway x’. And so negotiations were concluded.

Prime Minister Netanyahu was not available for comment.

Nathan Yar-Who?

This article was published in CG Issue 59.