by Joe Houghton & Co.
Picture this: you have accidentally wandered into the wrong lecture room and out of sheer pride you refuse to admit your mistake and decide to firm it. Or, you’ve found yourself in a far more common scenario, i.e. on a course where everyone seems leagues beyond you, as if they’ve all been raised from birth to be that discipline’s equivalent of the fucking Terminator. Inevitably, you will be called upon to throw your two cents into the discussion, and whether you’re a too-proud imposter or an out-of-your-depth R2D2 in a sea of T-800s, the outcome’s the same, you’re absolutely bricking it. But fear not, this handy guide will be your lord and saviour. God might be dead, but I’m not, and that’s what really matters. Just repeat these phrases word for word in the right lecture/ tutorial and buckle up buttercups, there’s a new Arnie on the scene, and this time, it’s personal. Remember, you don’t have to have a clue what these phrases mean, just memorise and repeat. You’re welcome.
English Lit: I think they’re actually talking about sex. It’s a sex thing isn’t it.
Computer Science: Have you tried restarting your kernel? (Other sexual innuendos are available)
Anthropology: People shape ______, but ______ also shapes people. They’re mutually constitutive.
Philosophy: Why tho?
Archaeology: What if it was aliens?
Geography: *grunt* [cheap shot, no regrets]
International Law: It’s a matter of sovereignty.
Economics/ Politics: It’s too soon to tell. Wait another 10 years. (e.g. Does wealth really trickle down?…)
Maths: I touched a member of the opposite sex today (this will derail the whole lecture because the professor will want to hear how you managed it)[another cheap, still no apologies, you can cry about it once you’ve got your well-paid jobs in the City]
Medicine: Smoking is a risk factor for this *proceeds to take a drag*
Stick to these handy phrases and the sky’s the limit. Now go off little ones and do your cyborg father proud.