Disclaimer: a hearty amount of alcohol will make the next 6 steps much, much easier.
- Leave your room! I know the world is a big, scary place, but wouldn’t you rather be lost in London at 4 A.M. with no shoes or phone than safely asleep in bed? Easy decision.
- Next step, say hello! A greeting can go a long way. On a night out, good spots for chatting places include queues, bathrooms, or queues for bathrooms.
- Get their Instagram handle. If they tell you they use Facebook, hiss and run away. (Editor’s note: I think I’m too old for this)
- If you’re still struggling, hang around the laundry room. There is no one more vulnerable than the kid trying to get the machine to start. Strike them when they’re down.
Be warned, the next steps are significantly higher risk!
- Take a note from Disney. Who needs a lot of friends when you can develop a heavy reliance on a man you met a day ago?
- Write on the Teams chat during a lecture. High exposure, but may lead to life-altering humiliation.
- Don’t be scared to get someone’s name wrong! My flatmate called a boy named Karthik “Carsick” the whole night. I don’t think that they’re friends, but it did make good content for this article.
Each step above has been tried and tested by my friends and I. How do you think we’re doing?