Logan Paul’s Big Announcement

Disgraced Internet star and future POTUS Logan Paul has returned to YouTube with a 7-minute confessional video, explaining that, from now on, he hopes “to make a difference in the world”.

Paul, a 22-year-old waste of air whose channel boasts over 16 million followers, was suspended by YouTube after posting a video of himself in a Japanese forest near what appeared to be a suicide victim.

In his new video, ‘My Big Announcement’, Paul addresses the controversy and admits that he let people down, before saying: “It’s time to learn from my past mistakes and to grow as a human being and a person. And with this in mind, I am excited to announce that this coming Monday I will be heading to Northern Waziristan, where I will be chairing the sixth meeting of the Quadrilateral Co-ordination Committee, aiming to revive the long-stalled peace talks between the Taliban and the Afghan government.”

Paul, whose previous diplomatic endeavours include ‘KISSING CONTEST WITH A MONKEY’, and ‘SURFING DOWN THE STREET ON A GIANT CHRISTMAS TREE #MAVERICK’, affirmed that he was “hyped” to join the peace process, and “grimly prepared” for the horrors of total war.

These peace talks come at a time of escalating violence and sectarianism in Afghanistan, and many have begun to question whether the Taliban will be happy with what Paul has to offer, citing his history of siding with forces in Afghanistan’s predominantly Tajik Jamiat-e Islami militia.

However, speaking at a press conference in Islamabad this morning, Pakistani foreign minister Khawaja Muhammad Asif was quick to come to Paul’s defence, commenting: “#Logang”.

Taliban leader Hibatullah Akhundzada was not available for comment, but sources close to him have expressed fear that his unswerving allegiance to Jake Paul, Logan’s brother, might prove a stumbling block in negotiations.

Said the source: “Akhundzada appreciates Logan’s commitment to the #grind, but in this world factionism is king. Akhundzada is, always has been, and always will be, an everynight bro.”

From our EveryNight Editor

This article was published in CG Issue 60.