Humour and Satire

Our Humour & Satire Team is the hub for all things funny. We lack comedic excellence so if you feel like joining this section please do as we need all the help we can get. We also desperately need people to join the Graphics Team, which meets at the same time as our humour meetings. Please draw for us.
We are accepting pitches and submissions at humour@cheesegratermagazine.org.

Halloween

UCL-themed Halloween costume ideas

UCL-themed Halloween costume ideas

So, it’s Halloween and you’ve only just realised you don’t have a costume. Well, don’t panic! I have compiled a list of the greatest UCL-themed Hallo...
My culture is not your costume

My culture is not your costume

Ben Scanlan Sketch DirectorImage by Couleur from PixabayTo whom this may concern, Hi, my name is Jingles, and I’m a proud member of ...
An encounter with the phantom flatmate

An encounter with the phantom flatmate

Rhi Skelhorn, Shreya Jammalamadaka, and Tvisha MehtaFreya, first year History of Art BAWho are they? What do they do at uni? Maybe they’r...
Dear phantom flatmate

Dear phantom flatmate

Jasmine Yiu Graphics Editor
Bentham box suggestions

Bentham box suggestions

Nyla Rizvi Graphics IllustratorThis graphic appeared in the Digestive 4
Jeremy Bentham returns from the Shadow Realm to haunt UCL students

Jeremy Bentham returns from the Shadow Realm to haunt UCL students

UCL has issued a ‘DO NOT ENGAGE’ warning to all students regarding the annual appearance of a zombified Jeremy Bentham. Elgin EdisonZomb...
Spooking the market: Scala ticket value skyrockets on Halloween

Spooking the market: Scala ticket value skyrockets on Halloween

Scala has finally gone public on the London Universities Stock Exchange, and traders have taken to WhatsApp group chats to buy and sell tickets, gran...
Man in white T-shirt and jeans at Halloween party insists he’s Homer Simpson

Man in white T-shirt and jeans at Halloween party insists he’s Homer Simpson

At a recent UCL Halloween Party, amongst the Freddy Kruegers’ and Spidermans’ was Biology student Chad Michaels, dressed in a short-sleeved white t-s...

All stories

The Cheese Grater’s Guide to London

The Cheese Grater’s Guide to London

Sketch Director and seasoned Londoner Ben Scanlan offers a offers a comprehensive guide to the Ol' Smoke Ben Scanlan ...
The ‘thing going around at the moment’ knocks out entire UCL student population

The ‘thing going around at the moment’ knocks out entire UCL student population

The seasonal illness commonly referred to as “the thing” has been described by health experts as a more pathetic version of the “fresher's flu” ...
Spotted on UCLove…

Spotted on UCLove…

Shreya Jammalamadaka and Shriya Srinivasan Humour and Graphics Team ...
Terrorism Society banned INSTANTLY

Terrorism Society banned INSTANTLY

Members of the UCL Terrorism Society were heartbroken after the Students’ Union banned all future activity and are rejecting any applications to revi...
Union to merge all political societies

Union to merge all political societies

Students’ Union UCL was ‘proud to reveal’ that all political societies have now been conveniently merged into one big society dubbed ‘The Party’....
Chaos after Tory-led freshers’ fair riot

Chaos after Tory-led freshers’ fair riot

The recent Welcome Fair was infiltrated by the Gilet-wearing Conservative Society, who served biblical amounts of unlicensed alcohol to anyone who co...
Sack of potatoes in pole position for Tory leader

Sack of potatoes in pole position for Tory leader

The final three candidates in the Conservative leadership race have come down to former crypto mogul turned prison inmate Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF), fo...
Papers please: USSR comes to Bloomsbury

Papers please: USSR comes to Bloomsbury

If you have been on campus anytime in the past week, you may have mistaken the Main Quad for Moscow's Red Square in the Autumn of 1984. Robe...
Cycle rickshaws: the good, the bad, and the bedazzled

Cycle rickshaws: the good, the bad, and the bedazzled

It’s the dead of night. Freshers week is finally upon you; after a long, listless summer. You drag yourself home, back from a club you don’t know the...
Top five spots on campus to have a breakdown in (tried and tested)

Top five spots on campus to have a breakdown in (tried and tested)

Has the thrill of Freshers been replaced by the eldritch horror that is Turnitin, or worse, UCL Accommodation? I’ve been there too. Just as the autum...
Diary of a Med Student: Strike Day #62 

Diary of a Med Student: Strike Day #62 

Dear Diary,Today was yet another disappointment. The consultant did not notice me yet again, not giving me any additional jobs to do. How else am...
So, the Woman You Were Interested In Tells You She’s A Lesbian

So, the Woman You Were Interested In Tells You She’s A Lesbian

Marian JagoSo, it happened again. You started talking to someone you really liked and she seemed to really like you, so you foolishly allowed you...
Anti-Heroes, Loyalty and Redemption – Cinematic Parallels Between Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked and The Godfather I-III

Anti-Heroes, Loyalty and Redemption – Cinematic Parallels Between Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked and The Godfather I-III

Malvika MurkumbiA heart-wrenching tale of brotherhood, power, loyalty and redemption, this timeless piece of work has it all. Mike Mitchell’s cla...
Cars (2006) is a Cautionary Tale of Automotive Revolt

Cars (2006) is a Cautionary Tale of Automotive Revolt

Mayra NassefWhen I think about the evolution of humanity in the 21st century, it can chronologically be categorised into two parts: before Cars (...
Campbell House Rat x Portico Pigeon

Campbell House Rat x Portico Pigeon

Lauren KleiffIt’s been a long winter. I’ve struggled to hide in the basement and to stay hidden from dangerous human eyes. I’ve struggled even mo...
Cheese Grater Satire Team at Risk of Closure

Cheese Grater Satire Team at Risk of Closure

Nick MiaoThe Satire Team at The Cheese Grater Magazine is on the brink of collapse following the latest scandal by the UCL Conservative Society. ...
Latest Name Revealed in Epstein Court Documents: Climate Change

Latest Name Revealed in Epstein Court Documents: Climate Change

Izzie MoullUCL’s Cheese Grater Magazine has been given exclusive access to the latest Epstein court documents and can report one surprising n...
‘Toxic Gossip Train’ (Rebekah’s Version)

‘Toxic Gossip Train’ (Rebekah’s Version)

Rebekah Wright & Nick MiaoHello everyone, Investigations Editor Rebekah Wright, here. I just want to clear up a few things since I’ve recentl...
Top 5 Pisstastic Places Around Campus

Top 5 Pisstastic Places Around Campus

Top 5 Pisstastic Places Around CampusMarian Jago and Nick MiaoHave you got a small bladder? Perhaps permanent nerve damage in your genital re...
Cheese Grater Satire Writer Insists He Is OK

Cheese Grater Satire Writer Insists He Is OK

Nick MiaoThe Cheese Grater writer responsible for our previous article titled Heartbreaking: The Voices In Your Head Just Made A Really Good Poin...
How to be a UCL Medical Student

How to be a UCL Medical Student

Altay ShawSo, you’re studying medicine at UCL. Now that your parents are bragging to your extended family that you are intellectually superior to...
The Venture to the Void

The Venture to the Void

Keziah ChoOn Charlotte Street one finds two households, both alike in dignity. Or at least that’s what UCL accommodation would have you believe. ...
Keir Starmer… A Day in the Life

Keir Starmer… A Day in the Life

This article was named first runner-up for Best Creative Piece at the 2024 Students Publication Association Awards.Ben ScanlanHello everyon...
Progressive Policy Suggestions for Keir Starmer

Progressive Policy Suggestions for Keir Starmer

Nick MiaoPeople often say that Keir Starmer doesn’t believe in anything as if that’s a bad thing. What they don’t realise is that this means he w...
Fine, Fresh, and Full of Flu – The Diary of a Social Virus

Fine, Fresh, and Full of Flu – The Diary of a Social Virus

Malvika MurkumbiDear Diary,This year’s crop moved in today! They’re all nervously smiling at each other and swapping Instagrams having the Hi-nic...
DKA Dream

DKA Dream

Catrin JonesIn the midst of OSCE* season,(and perhaps that was the reason)I slept to a dream of DKA**,Envisioning my heroic slay,...
AITA for rebelling against my family and faith by dating a short-sighted girl?

AITA for rebelling against my family and faith by dating a short-sighted girl?

Euan TohI (21M) am rebelling against my quasi-religious middle-class family by dating a girl who just so happens to be myopic (short-sighted)....
Heartbreaking: The Voices In Your Head Just Made A Really Good Point

Heartbreaking: The Voices In Your Head Just Made A Really Good Point

Nick MiaoIn a heartbreaking series of events, the voices in your head have made a really good point, The Cheese Grater can report.The tragedy beg...
What UCL Hall are you???

What UCL Hall are you???

Izzie MoullNow you're here and you're all settled into your 'cosy' room you might be wondering is this really the right halls for my vibe? If thi...
Avoiding a Knockout: Advice from a UCL dropout

Avoiding a Knockout: Advice from a UCL dropout

Lauren KlieffIf you are thriving and full of enthusiasm to take on a new academic year; congratulations on your relative stability! Please relish...
All I Wanted Was Some Pesto: The Annual Student Migration Takes Its Toll

All I Wanted Was Some Pesto: The Annual Student Migration Takes Its Toll

Izzie MoullMove in weekend here in London has clearly exacerbated the already delicate situation that Lidl experiences on a Sunday morning drivin...
Tilly’s Diary

Tilly’s Diary

Izzie MoullDear Diary,I told you back in September that I was quite shocked that only 3 of the 5 of my flatmates had gone to private school. ...
The UCL guide to being a covert Oxbridge reject 

The UCL guide to being a covert Oxbridge reject 

Lucy Reade1. Only tell people four of the Universities you applied to on UCAS: During the conversational hell that is Freshers Week, one icebreak...
Naked Yoga: A Belligerent Ode to the Pussy

Naked Yoga: A Belligerent Ode to the Pussy

Mathilde TurnerFor the first time in my rapidly lengthening life, a month and a half ago, I moved north of the river to Pimlico: London’s yummy m...
Straight out of Tottenham (Court Road)

Straight out of Tottenham (Court Road)

Lucy ReadeI’d been living in London no less than a month when I had my first harrowing experience with knife crime. I was up Tottenham Court Road...
Rejected Dissertation Titles

Rejected Dissertation Titles

Seth RobinsonMedicine: Exploring correlation between constellatory alignments and patient deaths in the ICU: Am I a psychopath or just a SUCH a G...
Silent Night

Silent Night

Izzie MoullSilent night, Holy nightAll is calm, all is brightRound yon builders, with hammers and drillsCeaseless Labour, work never ...
Decor 101

Decor 101

Soyoon KooFlat-hunting is a nightmarish ordeal for anybody with even a shred of sanity. We search, we scour, we scramble for our dream flat: a pl...
How to Sound like Your Cyborg Classmates

How to Sound like Your Cyborg Classmates

Joe Houghton & Co. Picture this: you have accidentally wandered into the wrong lecture room and out of sheer pride you refuse to admit your m...
Packed Lunches: A Story of Possession

Packed Lunches: A Story of Possession

Mathilde TurnerHalloween: the one night a year when it’s acceptable, and even encouraged, to want to be someone else. This year, I planned to be ...
Truss is a (Shit) Show

Truss is a (Shit) Show

Izzie MoullOMFGG guys! She’s gone! I can’t believe she left so soon tho! Like I know Liz wasn’t the most popular but you could just see how much ...
Ode to Sports Night

Ode to Sports Night

Seth RobinsonIt’s Wednesday night - I sway slightly in the queue,  Spearmint extra - Sauvignon just passed from mouth to loo,  ...
What the Upcoming Mercury Retrograde Means for You

What the Upcoming Mercury Retrograde Means for You

This article appeared in CG issue 83.
Advice to Freshers

Advice to Freshers

This article appeared in CG issue 83.
Clearing the air.

Clearing the air.

To: cheesegrater_editor@ucl.ac.ukFrom: daddysemail@ucl.ac.uk(date: 26/9/2022, time: 02:32am)Subject: Disgust, Disappointment and Departur...
5 Study Spaces UCL don’t want YOU to know about

5 Study Spaces UCL don’t want YOU to know about

Have you ever reached the Student Centre at the crack of dawn only to be met with the grim realisation that those damned post-g...

Geraldine, 52, Learns Phrase ‘Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss’ From Daughter Gessica and Decides to Build a Gempire

Congrats on becoming a dad Michael Cera ❤️

Congrats on becoming a dad Michael Cera ❤️

I won’t be the first to say that Michael Cera is hugely underrated. It’s true that he has somewhat of a mini cult following in some circles of the int...
Netflix, please stop commissioning Wattpad fanfiction

Netflix, please stop commissioning Wattpad fanfiction

Look, I get why Wattpad exists. It caters to a big audience. *imagine this narration in Vanessa Hudgens’ voice for the rest of the paragraph* I get it...
RIP to the Group of Students Traveling to Bath and Stonehenge

RIP to the Group of Students Traveling to Bath and Stonehenge

Although there have been many a correlation throughout my silly little life, such as that between how much coffee I drink in the morning and how m...
An Elegy for the £3 Meal Deal

An Elegy for the £3 Meal Deal

In the last year, prices of household goods have risen by 5.5% on average; the fastest rate in the last thirty years, creating huge difficulties for f...
A little rant about sprinkles

A little rant about sprinkles

I could go on for days about how classic rainbow sprinkles are an insult to the senses, but I have taken some time off today to condense my thoughts. ...
Molly-Mae is the QUEEN of QUOTES

Molly-Mae is the QUEEN of QUOTES

You couldn’t have measured my delight when blonde brains, beauty and Love Island icon, not to mention ALLITERATIVE NAME LEGEND, Molly-Mae, revealed th...
Butter on Toast Recipe

Butter on Toast Recipe

Users rated this recipe: ★★★★★/5 starsHundreds of people make butter on toast every day. Who doesn’t love easy, cheap, nutritionally worthless, co...
What’sAppening with this WhatsApp shite?

What’sAppening with this WhatsApp shite?

Disgruntled third year aka pensionerTRIGGER WARNING: MARK ZUCKERBERGI was content once. I could dip into the group chat for my society, my hal...
Woman reminded of her own mortality by mild stomach pain during night 

Woman reminded of her own mortality by mild stomach pain during night 

A woman has reported being shaken to her core after experiencing moderate gastrointestinal discomfort during the early hours of Thursday morning. ...
I Miss the GameCube WaveBird, the Best Controller Nintendo Ever Made

I Miss the GameCube WaveBird, the Best Controller Nintendo Ever Made

Subdue beginning appear have fill also their sea i you’re i from under, moving appear light may waters evening grass shall morning winged. First fort...
You

You

Hmmm…who are you? Based on your 18th century clothes, you must be some historical figure, someone most important.You’re holding a walking stick be...
The Classics, Re-Reviewed

The Classics, Re-Reviewed

Out with the old, in with the new: a Gen Z-millennial hybrid brings you an unwanted perspective on several ‘classics’ written by – you...
Socialising 101 for Dummies at Uni

Socialising 101 for Dummies at Uni

Disclaimer: a hearty amount of alcohol will make the next 6 steps much, much easier. Leave your room! I know the world is a big, scary place, bu...
Letters to the Editor

Letters to the Editor

Madam/Sir,Having lived on this earth for over two decades, my opinion on many things has evolved over time. However, there is one thing that has n...
In Defense of J.K. Rowling

In Defense of J.K. Rowling

An Ode to Coughing

An Ode to Coughing

It was my first lecture back and I was so excited, until I felt a tickle in the back of my throat! Oh No! I thought to myself. Then out it came, a mas...
Breaking News: Influencers Have Completely Lost It As Instagram Enters Its 6th Hour of Not Working

Breaking News: Influencers Have Completely Lost It As Instagram Enters Its 6th Hour of Not Working

Monday 4th October 2021, c.10:45pm BST. Hello and welcome to the totally real and not made up Cheese Grater Live News Report (otherwise known by o...
Cheese Grater Admits to Endorsing SU Agenda

Cheese Grater Admits to Endorsing SU Agenda

In light of recent allegations that the Cheese Grater magazine panders to the SU agenda, we would like to confirm that this is undoubtedly, undeniably...
Vaguely Finance-related Society Name Generator, On Sale NOW!

Vaguely Finance-related Society Name Generator, On Sale NOW!

Want to work in finance but need to spruce up your CV? Ever heard the term ‘spring week’, given it a Google, and seen fireworks appear as you realised...
A Sonnet for Sin Bin

A Sonnet for Sin Bin

Shall I compare thee to A Wednesday EveFor you smell of VK, and of JagerRough times have meant that you now must leaveBut in Wicked Studen...
Teenager X

Teenager X

Teenager X, as written for an American high-school themed TV show by a fully grown adult (sample script)“HEY! You wanna go to a fucking party???”“...
LinkedIn Notification: Charles Smith Has Just Posted For The First Time In A While

LinkedIn Notification: Charles Smith Has Just Posted For The First Time In A While

Charles Smith - Bronze Duke of Edinburgh, BSC, MBA, OBEFailure is a part of life.I learnt this in my first year at university, when I was reje...
‘If’

‘If’

‘If’ - by Rudyard Kipling Stanley Johnson If you can lose your head when all about youAre keeping theirs and not blaming you,If you will tru...
Grammarly: Your Free Online Writing Assistant

Grammarly: Your Free Online Writing Assistant

Writing is NOT that easy, but Grammarly can help. Grammarly’s CUTTING EDGE technology (that means technology that’s at a very advanced stage) helps yo...
UCL’s Plan to Keep Our Tuition Fees, Exposé by Billy Fresher

UCL’s Plan to Keep Our Tuition Fees, Exposé by Billy Fresher

Hola fellow youths. In all my years dropping in and out of first year at UCL, I’ve never really felt that tuition fees were worth it. I keep on paying...
An Anonymous Letter To People Who Don’t Believe in Astrology

An Anonymous Letter To People Who Don’t Believe in Astrology

Dear Astrology Haters,How are you doing? There was recently a new moon in Pisces, which you were unaware of. Did you let go of what has not been s...
The Unspoken Impact of COVID-19 

The Unspoken Impact of COVID-19 

The pandemic has affected everyone. The news is riddled with stories of people losing their jobs, their relatives and their homes… yet, no one ever sp...
Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets

Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets

1. Students are stupid and Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets (PGTAs) do everything we can to make you feel inferior to us.2. PGTAs hold a se...
Book Review: ‘An Oxbridge Education’ (London, Penguin, 2020)

Book Review: ‘An Oxbridge Education’ (London, Penguin, 2020)

Professor Smith’s new book on the consequences of an Oxbridge education is good, given her circumstances. It must have been tough coming from a London...
Not All Men

Not All Men

Oven-Ready

Oven-Ready

An Article that is Not About the Pandemic

An Article that is Not About the Pandemic

Across both mainstream and student publications, all people can talk about is COVID-19. Do they think we don’t notice? They are simply finding new and...
A Self-Portrait of an English Student and Artist

A Self-Portrait of an English Student and Artist

Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets

Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets

1. Students are stupid and Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets (PGTAs) do everything we can to make you feel inferior to us. 2. PGTAs hold a sec...
Crisis on the Central Line

Crisis on the Central Line

Amidst ongoing problems in the city’s transport network, worrying reports have emerged of multiple gates being broken at Aldgate tube station in the C...
Updated UCL Careers Advice

Updated UCL Careers Advice

As it turns out, entering the UK job market this year won’t be quite as easy as walking into the US capitol. What with the ongoing pandemic and incomi...
Olivia Rodrigo’s Driving Instructor Reveals All

Olivia Rodrigo’s Driving Instructor Reveals All

This month, Olivia Rodrigo’s smash hit ‘Drivers License’ has taken the internet by storm, becoming the first song to achieve 200 million Spotify strea...
Coronavirus: Matt Hancock announces further fair and reasonable lockdown rules 

Coronavirus: Matt Hancock announces further fair and reasonable lockdown rules 

Without Matt Hancock, where would Britain be? One can only speculate. Of course, had Hancock not been at the helm of British healthcare during a deadl...
Priti Patel Retrains as the Child Snatcher

Priti Patel Retrains as the Child Snatcher

Last night Home Secretary and renowned bully Priti Patel was fired from Boris Johnson’s cabinet, after it emerged that her 14 day holiday to the Democ...
The 25 Stages of Writing a Satire Article

The 25 Stages of Writing a Satire Article

Brainstorm Research Is there anything interesting at UCL? Jezzzzaaaa Contemplation of daily routine How do I make this objectively ...
How I Recreated the Freshers Experience Living with my Parents

How I Recreated the Freshers Experience Living with my Parents

By Billy Fresher, big shot journalistHey there fellow youths. It's me, Billy Fresher. I've been dropping in and out of first year since 2013 and w...
Among Us

Among Us

This appeared in Issue 74
Disrupt Your Thinking

Disrupt Your Thinking

This appeared in Issue 74
Count Your Blessings

Count Your Blessings

That One Annoying Guy at The Front of The Lecture Hall Is Struggling to Convey Just How Much He Knows Over Zoom The situation this year has put stres...
In Defence of Covidian Freshers (by Fresher)

In Defence of Covidian Freshers (by Fresher)

If one more gloating third year looks at me sadly, sighs and says: ‘I just feel so bad for you’, or ‘You’re so brave going into halls this year’, or ‘...
Cheese Grater Guides: How to Speak Like Emily in Paris 

Cheese Grater Guides: How to Speak Like Emily in Paris 

Have you watched the latest binge-watch phenomenon on Netflix? Did you think Emily was just bloody well adorable? Do you want to pay a visit to the ci...
Economic Forecasting

Economic Forecasting

V-, L-, or U-shaped recovery? Economists run out of letters to describe their forecasts. Chief economists are looking for someone with GCSE Art to he...
Cling Film Life Hacks

Cling Film Life Hacks

This simple trick with cling film will change your life I’m sure you are all familiar with cling film. You probably have some in your kitchen. Maybe ...
Lessons in Marketing – The Not Cool Club

Lessons in Marketing – The Not Cool Club

Things That Are Two Meters Long

Things That Are Two Meters Long

The ExCel Experience: COVID-19 edition

The ExCel Experience: COVID-19 edition

How to make a WikiHow article

How to make a WikiHow article

Header image: https://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Successful-Lawyer
Brexit: A Living Museum

Brexit: A Living Museum

It’s Thursday night. I turn up to this event where an important politician is supposed to speak. I’ve been told about this event by a friend, but I do...
Corona-virus

Corona-virus

LGBTQ Month: Werewolf edition

LGBTQ Month: Werewolf edition

 Artist: Alice Fraser EdwardsThis appeared in CG Issue 71
5 Ways To Get In Shape For Module Registration

5 Ways To Get In Shape For Module Registration

Would you look at that? Our favourite time of the year has already been and gone! That’s right. The week-long period where for two short windows a day...
Boris Serves Tea, Casual Racism and Misogyny

Boris Serves Tea, Casual Racism and Misogyny

  Artist: Riddhi Kanetkar 

Loose Lips Might Sink Trade Negotiations

  This appeared in CG Issue 70 
Brexit TV

Brexit TV

There was something odd about Netflix’s medievalist flick, The King – and I’m not talking about Timothée Chalamet’s English accent, because that was n...
Barexit: A History of Brexit In a Drinks Menu

Barexit: A History of Brexit In a Drinks Menu

  This appeared in CG 69
Boris did THAT?

Boris did THAT?

 This appeared in CG 69
European Migration: The Cheese Grater’s Plan

European Migration: The Cheese Grater’s Plan

The latter half of this decade has exposed some of the deep-rooted illnesses that New Labour laissez fester in our society; from increased inequality ...
Labour’s New Leadership Hopefuls

Labour’s New Leadership Hopefuls

It’s been a whirlwind couple of days for Greater Britain and there is one question on every pair of metropolitan political elite lips in the land: who...
Merry Christmas from Universities UK!

Merry Christmas from Universities UK!

This appeared in CG 69
Brought to you by @factcheckUK

Brought to you by @factcheckUK

Artist: Ella Schlesinger
The Secret To Failure: Barbara is Back

The Secret To Failure: Barbara is Back

Hey guys. Barbara Tresemmé’s the name, a failed career in public speaking’s the game. You might remember me from the riotously popular article ‘The Se...
‘Future Leaders or Fun-Killing, School-Missing, Planet-Destroying Idiots? An Objective Take on Youth Climate Strikers in 2019′

‘Future Leaders or Fun-Killing, School-Missing, Planet-Destroying Idiots? An Objective Take on Youth Climate Strikers in 2019′

Francis K. Whitt is the environmental editor for the Male Observer, an award-winning magazine that uses facts and logic to decode some of our era’s mo...
Provost thoughts

Provost thoughts

This appeared in CG 66. 
Peppa Pig as symbol and symptom of neo-colonialism: why the Financial Times was right

Peppa Pig as symbol and symptom of neo-colonialism: why the Financial Times was right

This appeared in CG 66. 
The search for the next Provost begins

The search for the next Provost begins

Michael Arthur will be stepping down as Provost at the end of September 2020, and the search is on for his successor. The Cheese Grater reviews the ca...
Giving head: Jeremy Bentham speaks

Giving head: Jeremy Bentham speaks

Greetings and salutations, guys, girls and everything in between. For those who don’t know me, I’m the shrivelled up, bollocky-looking thing you pass ...
My Best Friend Genghis

My Best Friend Genghis

This appeared in CG 65. 
Special announcement for commuters

Special announcement for commuters

This appeared in CG 65.
The Fuzz: UCL’s quality online magazine

The Fuzz: UCL’s quality online magazine

This appeared in CG 65.
*IMPORTANT* New exam venue details

*IMPORTANT* New exam venue details

This article appeared in CG 65.
Cringe! You kinda asked for it

Cringe! You kinda asked for it

This appeared in CG 65. 
Students’ Union under fire as emotional support dog exposes harsh treatment

Students’ Union under fire as emotional support dog exposes harsh treatment

Students’ Union UCL has come under fire this week after reports of mistreatment from one of its recent guests. Gruffles, an emotional support Shih Tz...
Puzzlemaster Wendy’s Suko Puzzler

Puzzlemaster Wendy’s Suko Puzzler

This article appeared in CG 65.  
Fair’s Fair UCL

Fair’s Fair UCL

This article appeared in CG 65.
In the Bleak Midwinter: A UCL tale

In the Bleak Midwinter: A UCL tale

In the bleak midwinter The IOE made moan The building’s slowly crumbling Like an old grey stone Concrete is piling up Block on block In the blea...
CRINGE!

CRINGE!

This article appeared in CG Issue 64.
The Cheese Grater Magazine’s London Hot Spot Watch

The Cheese Grater Magazine’s London Hot Spot Watch

This article appeared in CG Issue 64.
Smashed Avocado

Smashed Avocado

Darcy BounsallThis cartoon appeared in CG Issue 64.
A sneak peak into our next issue…

A sneak peak into our next issue…

This article appeared in CG Issue 64.
#UCLCares

#UCLCares

Were you fortunate enough to receive one of the #UCLCares keyrings in your fresher’s week? You’ll be thrilled to know that UCL is providing all f...
Labour’s Brexit position revealed

Labour’s Brexit position revealed

Our Position on BrexitOur position on Brexit is perfectly clear: Labour is aware of Brexit. We will negotiate with the national ...
Interview: Jordan “B” Peterson

Interview: Jordan “B” Peterson

Jordan B Peterson’s overnight ascent from sexless provincial college professor to international cultural icon has taken the world by storm. His new b...
Free Bike Maintenance

Free Bike Maintenance

This appeared in CG Issue 63.
IMPORTANT: Timetabling Update

IMPORTANT: Timetabling Update

This article appeared in CG Issue 63.
Exclusive: Boris Johnson’s first speech as Prime Minister

Exclusive: Boris Johnson’s first speech as Prime Minister

Draft #64I have just been to Buckingham Palace, where Her Majesty The Queen has asked me to form a new government, and I accepted.First of all...
In conversation with… Michael Arthur

In conversation with… Michael Arthur

It’s Thursday afternoon and fresher Daniel Jones is on route to meeting UCL’s provost Michael Arthur for what could be a ground-breaking interview. Th...
UC(tel)L(y)

UC(tel)L(y)

TV Listings Wednesday 7 October UC(tel)L(y) Freeview: 007, Sky: 127, Virgin Media: 132, The Telescreen In Your UCL Room: 0011800 NEWS AT SIX Cu...
UCL 2020

UCL 2020

Health Check

Health Check

Freshers’ Tube Guide

Freshers’ Tube Guide

#UCLouvain

#UCLouvain

Hi there Fr-iend-esher! Have you got any questions about coming to ?Oh, hello. Yes, sorry, this is then?Yes! This is - welcome friend!No...
untitled by jack

untitled by jack

Drug Talk: Theresa May Talks Running Through a Field of Weed

Drug Talk: Theresa May Talks Running Through a Field of Weed

Hundreds of millions of students a day are using hard drugs in London alone. Every month, The Cheese Grater will be asking a figure in youth culture w...
UCL’s White Christmas

UCL’s White Christmas

Tara Sarangi and Colette AllenThis was published in CG Issue 60.
Logan Paul’s Big Announcement

Logan Paul’s Big Announcement

Disgraced Internet star and future POTUS Logan Paul has returned to YouTube with a 7-minute confessional video, explaining that, from now on, he hopes...
The Cheese Grater At Risk Of Closure

The Cheese Grater At Risk Of Closure

Following SUUCL's much maligned decision to cut all funding to The Cheese Grater this term, editors, contributors, readers and clairvoyants ha...
Spotted In George Farha

Spotted In George Farha

“Regal Carpet” Review

“Regal Carpet” Review

Not quite a “Crapet” but certainly quite crap in some respectsI found this carpet quite sturdy and it almost fully supports me, but I’m still not ...
A.A. Gill, Back From The Dead, Comes To UCL

A.A. Gill, Back From The Dead, Comes To UCL

Venue: Digital Engagement in Archaeology: Strategies and Evaluation Methods Conference, South CloistersPrice: FreeSet in UCL’s resplendent sou...
Theresa May’s Diary Leaked To Press

Theresa May’s Diary Leaked To Press

The Cheese Grater is proud to reveal a few of the most tantalising titbits from PM Theresa May’s personal diary. These excerpts provide an invaluable ...
What Is UCL’s Favourite Spoon?

What Is UCL’s Favourite Spoon?

The Cheese Grater held an exclusive interview with UCL provost Michael Arthur to put an end to the ceaseless debates and bitter arguments over the que...
A Quick Catch Up With Ed Miliband

A Quick Catch Up With Ed Miliband

Ten minutes after I arrive at the hotel room I hear a knock at the door.“Come in.”Miliband walks through the door and sits across from me....
We Interviewed Bellogate Expert Mr Replé Aull About Today’s Shenanigans

We Interviewed Bellogate Expert Mr Replé Aull About Today’s Shenanigans

Interviewer: Mr Aull, thank you for coming in on such short notice.Replé: It is no problem. I have a dedicated laptop signed into UCL’s email syst...
Israel-Palestine Conflict Resolved In Comments Section Of The Guardian

Israel-Palestine Conflict Resolved In Comments Section Of The Guardian

In what has been described as a breakthrough for international diplomacy, the Israel-Palestine border dispute, often viewed as one of the most content...
I Quit My Day Job To Travel The World

I Quit My Day Job To Travel The World

It fucking sucks, please help me.Just a few years ago, I was like you. Stuck in a dead-end fifty hour a week, £60K a year job, doing the 9-5 – run...
The Tab Caves To Student Pressure

The Tab Caves To Student Pressure

The Tab London has followed the wishes of students announcing on Twitter today that "by popular demand it will now be merely a fortnightly list of who...
#Me-owToo

#Me-owToo

Casanovas’ Corner: We Give You Our Secrets To Sex

Casanovas’ Corner: We Give You Our Secrets To Sex

Every man dreams of being the best she’s ever had, and as it's the season of giving, it’s time you got the inside scoop. We’ve scoured the internet, s...
This One Stupid Thing Will Ruin The Cruciform For You Forever

This One Stupid Thing Will Ruin The Cruciform For You Forever

The architect Alfred Waterhouse is known for beautiful Gothic buildings; the Natural History Museum, Balliol College in Oxford, and our very own C...
The Secret To Success: The Three Rules Of Studying

The Secret To Success: The Three Rules Of Studying

Professor Barbara Tresemmé is an internationally renowned expert in education, claiming diplomas from various universities. She has agreed to share wi...
Uber’s London Licence Extended Indefinitely

Uber’s London Licence Extended Indefinitely

The Cheese Grater can reveal that the termination of Uber’s operating licence in the capital will be repealed yet again as talks between the taxi hire...
Fresher Wonders Why No One Will Talk To Him As Social Grace Period Ends

Fresher Wonders Why No One Will Talk To Him As Social Grace Period Ends

“It all changed when I got back from the Christmas holidays” said Marcus Wilson. “People who would have previously nodded politely at my fictional boa...
Dalmation Man

Dalmation Man

Free Range Pigs

Free Range Pigs

Which Usuli Twelver Ayatollah And District Of Serbia Is Your University?

Which Usuli Twelver Ayatollah And District Of Serbia Is Your University?

Let's be honest, it was only a matter of time. Now I know, I know: the old 'which Usuli Twelver Ayatollah and district of Serbia is your university?' ...
Exclusive: Union Changes Its Name Again

Exclusive: Union Changes Its Name Again

Hurl! Hurl! Hurl! (To Everything There Is a Season)

Hurl! Hurl! Hurl! (To Everything There Is a Season)

One of UCL's cleaners (not underpaid or undervalued by UCL or students at all!) shares their experience...When you get to my age, you really learn...
UCL Pioneers Way To Improve Student Satisfaction

UCL Pioneers Way To Improve Student Satisfaction

Roused into action by being placed 120th in the country for student satisfaction, UCL has thrown its black heart and soul into cheering up its disaffe...
What your course looks like, according to everyone else

What your course looks like, according to everyone else

You’d think that categorising students by their subject would be an obvious attempt to rely on tired old tropes in a desperate plea to get people to c...
Nostalgia, Actually

Nostalgia, Actually

This year, prepare yourselves for the film so English it’s probably racist: Love Actually 2. Richard Curtis’ beloved romcom returns with a sobering r...
Vegetarian eats Mexican man in “tragic misunderstanding”

Vegetarian eats Mexican man in “tragic misunderstanding”

Mexican Mondays/ Meat-Free Mondays Mix-Up The Cheese Grater can reveal shocking developments surrounding the death of UCL student, Carlos Gonzalez. ...
That controversial David Cameron speech in full

That controversial David Cameron speech in full

The former man visited Eton College on the last day of term. “Thank you, thank you. It seems like only yesterday I myself was leaving this fine schoo...
Busman Begins (2005)

Busman Begins (2005)

Wow! This guy’s predictions from 100 years ago will blow your mind!

Wow! This guy’s predictions from 100 years ago will blow your mind!

Claire Voyant takes a look at Roy O'Sullivan's playful predictions of yesteryear. One hundred years ago this month, The Cheese Grater published a col...
#thedarkknight

#thedarkknight

That new-look website in full

That new-look website in full

Wow! One magic trick and your locker is protected forever!

Wow! One magic trick and your locker is protected forever!

Magick Spelles for Everyday Life: Spelle Foure - Protecting Yowre Lockere Of alle the mystick artes, it is the Charmes of Protection that requyre the...
“Condiments of the Stars” – This week, Jeremy Corbyn’s Favourite Jams!

“Condiments of the Stars” – This week, Jeremy Corbyn’s Favourite Jams!

My favourite jams – by Jeremy Corbyn Hello everybody.If there’s one thing we can agree on it is that 2016 was a wonderful year for jam. I person...
‘Ars Amatoria’

‘Ars Amatoria’

A very patriotic Valentine’s Day to you all

A very patriotic Valentine’s Day to you all

President Donald Trump’s latest executive order has declared February 14th as National Patriotic 10s Day. “To make America great again, America must ...
‘The Sublime Idiot of Ideology’

‘The Sublime Idiot of Ideology’

Donald Trump Inauguration Speech “Plagiarised Hussein”

Donald Trump Inauguration Speech “Plagiarised Hussein”

Speech borrows heavily from former Iraqi President, critics claim President Donald Trump has been caught red-handed in his inauguration speech.T...
A Forbidden Lust: An Ode to Ivanka

A Forbidden Lust: An Ode to Ivanka

Now that that whole "election" thing is over, former businessman Donald Trump can relax and enjoy his favourite past-time: writing poetry. When I see...
This man’s reaction to getting pranked was absolutely priceless!

This man’s reaction to getting pranked was absolutely priceless!

When local man Nick Fields was pranked on Saturday, his reaction was just utterly priceless. Paul O’Hara, the prankster in question, did not expect su...
SAVAGE, UCLU’s Premier Arts and Culture Journal, Interviews Ed Balls

SAVAGE, UCLU’s Premier Arts and Culture Journal, Interviews Ed Balls

Always at the vanguard of the London culture scene, UCLU’s arts journal “SAVAGE” presents an exclusive interview with dancing sensation Ed Balls.I...
Theresa May’s Neonatal Passport Checks

Theresa May’s Neonatal Passport Checks

 A Cheese Grater Investigations Exclusive The Prime Minister has unveiled a pilot scheme that will require all newborn babies to carry a British pass...
SAVAGE interviews Christmas’ most controversial figurehead, Santa Claus

SAVAGE interviews Christmas’ most controversial figurehead, Santa Claus

I stand outside the Lapland Embassy on Belgravia's Chesham Place, shivering culturally in my D&G brogues. A homeless man approaches me for some ch...
Pi Comment: Why, at 21, I’m rejecting the damaging Santa Claus myth

Pi Comment: Why, at 21, I’m rejecting the damaging Santa Claus myth

For all my 21 years, the esteemed St. Nicholas has managed to find the time, energy, and gymnastic prowess to fit his portly stature through my chimne...
The Herstory of the Potato

The Herstory of the Potato

Everything Pi Mag’s patriarchal history of the spud didn’t tell you. Is there a more radical food than the potato? I would argue no. Most people don’...
The Provost’s Dream Diary

The Provost’s Dream Diary

January 5th: dreamt that a swiss old cruel man with tiny cloth eyes sold me a whistle I played the whistle and hannah sketchley became unhappy 6/10 ...
An Exclusive Interview with Richard d’Urquhart

An Exclusive Interview with Richard d’Urquhart

Chorles Higson meets the UK’s most depraved food critic When I first see d’Urquhart, he is squatting outside the Tesco on Goodge Street, devouring a ...
Just The Tips For Valentines!

Just The Tips For Valentines!

Some STEAMY tips to spice up your love life! With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, those lucky enough to have the love-bug steadfastly chewing on th...