Humour and Satire
Our Humour & Satire Team is the hub for all things funny. We lack comedic excellence so if you feel like joining this section please do as we need all the help we can get. We also desperately need people to join the Graphics Team, which meets at the same time as our humour meetings. Please please please draw for us.
We are accepting pitches and submissions at humour@cheesegratermagazine.org.
Cycle rickshaws: the good, the bad, and the bedazzled
It’s the dead of night. Freshers week is finally upon you; after a long, listless summer. You drag yourself home, back from a clu...
Top five spots on campus to have a breakdown in (tried and tested)
Has the thrill of Freshers been replaced by the eldritch horror that is Turnitin, or worse, UCL Accommodation? I’ve been there to...
Diary of a Med Student: Strike Day #62
Dear Diary,Today was yet another disappointment. The consultant did not notice me yet again, not giving me any additional job...
So, the Woman You Were Interested In Tells You She’s A Lesbian
Marian JagoSo, it happened again. You started talking to someone you really liked and she seemed to really like you, so you f...
Anti-Heroes, Loyalty and Redemption – Cinematic Parallels Between Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked and The Godfather I-III
Malvika MurkumbiA heart-wrenching tale of brotherhood, power, loyalty and redemption, this timeless piece of work has it all....
Cars (2006) is a Cautionary Tale of Automotive Revolt
Mayra NassefWhen I think about the evolution of humanity in the 21st century, it can chronologically be categorised into two ...
Campbell House Rat x Portico Pigeon
Lauren KleiffIt’s been a long winter. I’ve struggled to hide in the basement and to stay hidden from dangerous human eyes. I’...
Cheese Grater Satire Team at Risk of Closure
Nick MiaoThe Satire Team at The Cheese Grater Magazine is on the brink of collapse following the latest scandal by the UCL Co...
Latest Name Revealed in Epstein Court Documents: Climate Change
Izzie MoullUCL’s Cheese Grater Magazine has been given exclusive access to the latest Epstein court documents and can rep...
‘Toxic Gossip Train’ (Rebekah’s Version)
Rebekah Wright & Nick MiaoHello everyone, Investigations Editor Rebekah Wright, here. I just want to clear up a few thing...
Top 5 Pisstastic Places Around Campus
Top 5 Pisstastic Places Around CampusMarian Jago and Nick MiaoHave you got a small bladder? Perhaps permanent nerve damag...
Cheese Grater Satire Writer Insists He Is OK
Nick MiaoThe Cheese Grater writer responsible for our previous article titled Heartbreaking: The Voices In Your Head Just Mad...
How to be a UCL Medical Student
Altay ShawSo, you’re studying medicine at UCL. Now that your parents are bragging to your extended family that you are intell...
The Venture to the Void
Keziah ChoOn Charlotte Street one finds two households, both alike in dignity. Or at least that’s what UCL accommodation woul...
Keir Starmer… A Day in the Life
Ben ScanlanHello everyone, or should I say ‘Oi Oi guvnah!’, My name is Keith Starmer, I’m a normal, ordinary bloke (just like...
Progressive Policy Suggestions for Keir Starmer
Nick MiaoPeople often say that Keir Starmer doesn’t believe in anything as if that’s a bad thing. What they don’t realise is ...
Fine, Fresh, and Full of Flu – The Diary of a Social Virus
Malvika MurkumbiDear Diary,This year’s crop moved in today! They’re all nervously smiling at each other and swapping Instagra...
DKA Dream
Catrin JonesIn the midst of OSCE* season,(and perhaps that was the reason)I slept to a dream of DKA**,Envisioning...
AITA for rebelling against my family and faith by dating a short-sighted girl?
Euan TohI (21M) am rebelling against my quasi-religious middle-class family by dating a girl who just so happens to be myopic...
Heartbreaking: The Voices In Your Head Just Made A Really Good Point
Nick MiaoIn a heartbreaking series of events, the voices in your head have made a really good point, The Cheese Grater can re...
What UCL Hall are you???
Izzie MoullNow you're here and you're all settled into your 'cosy' room you might be wondering is this really the right halls...
Avoiding a Knockout: Advice from a UCL dropout
Lauren KlieffIf you are thriving and full of enthusiasm to take on a new academic year; congratulations on your relative stab...
All I Wanted Was Some Pesto: The Annual Student Migration Takes Its Toll
Izzie MoullMove in weekend here in London has clearly exacerbated the already delicate situation that Lidl experiences on a S...
Tilly’s Diary
Izzie MoullDear Diary,I told you back in September that I was quite shocked that only 3 of the 5 of my flatmates had gone...
The UCL guide to being a covert Oxbridge reject
Lucy Reade1. Only tell people four of the Universities you applied to on UCAS: During the conversational hell that is Fresher...
Naked Yoga: A Belligerent Ode to the Pussy
Mathilde TurnerFor the first time in my rapidly lengthening life, a month and a half ago, I moved north of the river to Pimli...
Straight out of Tottenham (Court Road)
Lucy ReadeI’d been living in London no less than a month when I had my first harrowing experience with knife crime. I was up ...
Rejected Dissertation Titles
Seth RobinsonMedicine: Exploring correlation between constellatory alignments and patient deaths in the ICU: Am I a psychopat...
Silent Night
Izzie MoullSilent night, Holy nightAll is calm, all is brightRound yon builders, with hammers and drillsCeaseless...
Decor 101
Soyoon KooFlat-hunting is a nightmarish ordeal for anybody with even a shred of sanity. We search, we scour, we scramble for ...
How to Sound like Your Cyborg Classmates
Joe Houghton & Co. Picture this: you have accidentally wandered into the wrong lecture room and out of sheer pride you re...
Packed Lunches: A Story of Possession
Mathilde TurnerHalloween: the one night a year when it’s acceptable, and even encouraged, to want to be someone else. This ye...
Truss is a (Shit) Show
Izzie MoullOMFGG guys! She’s gone! I can’t believe she left so soon tho! Like I know Liz wasn’t the most popular but you coul...
Ode to Sports Night
Seth RobinsonIt’s Wednesday night - I sway slightly in the queue, Spearmint extra - Sauvignon just passed from mout...
What the Upcoming Mercury Retrograde Means for You
This article appeared in CG issue 83.
Advice to Freshers
This article appeared in CG issue 83.
Clearing the air.
To: cheesegrater_editor@ucl.ac.ukFrom: daddysemail@ucl.ac.uk(date: 26/9/2022, time: 02:32am)Subject: Disgust, Disappo...
5 Study Spaces UCL don’t want YOU to know about
Have you ever reached the Student Centre at the crack of dawn only to be met with the grim realisation that...
Congrats on becoming a dad Michael Cera ❤️
I won’t be the first to say that Michael Cera is hugely underrated. It’s true that he has somewhat of a mini cult following in som...
Netflix, please stop commissioning Wattpad fanfiction
Look, I get why Wattpad exists. It caters to a big audience. *imagine this narration in Vanessa Hudgens’ voice for the rest of the...
RIP to the Group of Students Traveling to Bath and Stonehenge
Although there have been many a correlation throughout my silly little life, such as that between how much coffee I drink in t...
An Elegy for the £3 Meal Deal
In the last year, prices of household goods have risen by 5.5% on average; the fastest rate in the last thirty years, creating hug...
A little rant about sprinkles
I could go on for days about how classic rainbow sprinkles are an insult to the senses, but I have taken some time off today to co...
Molly-Mae is the QUEEN of QUOTES
You couldn’t have measured my delight when blonde brains, beauty and Love Island icon, not to mention ALLITERATIVE NAME LEGEND, Mo...
Butter on Toast Recipe
Users rated this recipe: ★★★★★/5 starsHundreds of people make butter on toast every day. Who doesn’t love easy, cheap, nutriti...
What’sAppening with this WhatsApp shite?
Disgruntled third year aka pensionerTRIGGER WARNING: MARK ZUCKERBERGI was content once. I could dip into the group chat fo...
Woman reminded of her own mortality by mild stomach pain during night
A woman has reported being shaken to her core after experiencing moderate gastrointestinal discomfort during the early hours of Th...
I Miss the GameCube WaveBird, the Best Controller Nintendo Ever Made
Subdue beginning appear have fill also their sea i you’re i from under, moving appear light may waters evening grass shall mornin...
You
Hmmm…who are you? Based on your 18th century clothes, you must be some historical figure, someone most important.You’re holdin...
The Classics, Re-Reviewed
Out with the old, in with the new: a Gen Z-millennial hybrid brings you an unwanted perspective on several ‘classi...
Socialising 101 for Dummies at Uni
Disclaimer: a hearty amount of alcohol will make the next 6 steps much, much easier. Leave your room! I know the world is a ...
Letters to the Editor
Madam/Sir,Having lived on this earth for over two decades, my opinion on many things has evolved over time. However, there is ...
An Ode to Coughing
It was my first lecture back and I was so excited, until I felt a tickle in the back of my throat! Oh No! I thought to myself. The...
Breaking News: Influencers Have Completely Lost It As Instagram Enters Its 6th Hour of Not Working
Monday 4th October 2021, c.10:45pm BST. Hello and welcome to the totally real and not made up Cheese Grater Live News Report (...
Cheese Grater Admits to Endorsing SU Agenda
In light of recent allegations that the Cheese Grater magazine panders to the SU agenda, we would like to confirm that this is und...
Vaguely Finance-related Society Name Generator, On Sale NOW!
Want to work in finance but need to spruce up your CV? Ever heard the term ‘spring week’, given it a Google, and seen fireworks ap...
A Sonnet for Sin Bin
Shall I compare thee to A Wednesday EveFor you smell of VK, and of JagerRough times have meant that you now must leave...
Teenager X
Teenager X, as written for an American high-school themed TV show by a fully grown adult (sample script)“HEY! You wanna go to a ...
LinkedIn Notification: Charles Smith Has Just Posted For The First Time In A While
Charles Smith - Bronze Duke of Edinburgh, BSC, MBA, OBEFailure is a part of life.I learnt this in my first year at univers...
‘If’
‘If’ - by Rudyard Kipling Stanley Johnson
If you can lose your head when all about youAre keeping theirs and not blaming you...
Grammarly: Your Free Online Writing Assistant
Writing is NOT that easy, but Grammarly can help. Grammarly’s CUTTING EDGE technology (that means technology that’s at a very adva...
UCL’s Plan to Keep Our Tuition Fees, Exposé by Billy Fresher
Hola fellow youths. In all my years dropping in and out of first year at UCL, I’ve never really felt that tuition fees were worth ...
An Anonymous Letter To People Who Don’t Believe in Astrology
Dear Astrology Haters,How are you doing? There was recently a new moon in Pisces, which you were unaware of. Did you let go of...
The Unspoken Impact of COVID-19
The pandemic has affected everyone. The news is riddled with stories of people losing their jobs, their relatives and their homes…...
Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets
1. Students are stupid and Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets (PGTAs) do everything we can to make you feel inferior to us.
...
Book Review: ‘An Oxbridge Education’ (London, Penguin, 2020)
Professor Smith’s new book on the consequences of an Oxbridge education is good, given her circumstances. It must have been tough ...
An Article that is Not About the Pandemic
Across both mainstream and student publications, all people can talk about is COVID-19. Do they think we don’t notice? They are si...
Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets
1. Students are stupid and Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets (PGTAs) do everything we can to
make you feel inferior to us.
...
Crisis on the Central Line
Amidst ongoing problems in the city’s transport network, worrying reports have emerged of multiple gates being broken at Aldgate t...
Updated UCL Careers Advice
As it turns out, entering the UK job market this year won’t be quite as easy as walking into the US capitol. What with the ongoing...
Olivia Rodrigo’s Driving Instructor Reveals All
This month, Olivia Rodrigo’s smash hit ‘Drivers License’ has taken the internet by storm, becoming the first song to achieve 200 m...
Coronavirus: Matt Hancock announces further fair and reasonable lockdown rules
Without Matt Hancock, where would Britain be? One can only speculate. Of course, had Hancock not been at the helm of British healt...
Priti Patel Retrains as the Child Snatcher
Last night Home Secretary and renowned bully Priti Patel was fired from Boris Johnson’s cabinet, after it emerged that her 14 day ...
The 25 Stages of Writing a Satire Article
Brainstorm
Research
Is there anything interesting at UCL?
Jezzzzaaaa
Contemplation of daily routine
How do I ma...
How I Recreated the Freshers Experience Living with my Parents
By Billy Fresher, big shot journalistHey there fellow youths. It's me, Billy Fresher. I've been dropping in and out of first y...
Among Us
This appeared in Issue 74
Disrupt Your Thinking
This appeared in Issue 74
Count Your Blessings
That One Annoying Guy at The Front of The Lecture Hall Is Struggling to Convey Just How Much He Knows Over Zoom
The situation thi...
In Defence of Covidian Freshers (by Fresher)
If one more gloating third year looks at me sadly, sighs and says: ‘I just feel so bad for you’, or ‘You’re so brave going into ha...
Cheese Grater Guides: How to Speak Like Emily in Paris
Have you watched the latest binge-watch phenomenon on Netflix? Did you think Emily was just bloody well adorable? Do you want to p...
Economic Forecasting
V-, L-, or U-shaped recovery? Economists run out of letters to describe their forecasts.
Chief economists are looking for someone...
Cling Film Life Hacks
This simple trick with cling film will change your life
I’m sure you are all familiar with cling film. You probably have some in ...
How to make a WikiHow article
Header image: https://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Successful-Lawyer
Brexit: A Living Museum
It’s Thursday night. I turn up to this event where an important politician is supposed to speak. I’ve been told about this event b...
LGBTQ Month: Werewolf edition
Artist: Alice Fraser EdwardsThis appeared in CG Issue 71
5 Ways To Get In Shape For Module Registration
Would you look at that? Our favourite time of the year has already been and gone! That’s right. The week-long period where for two...
Boris Serves Tea, Casual Racism and Misogyny
Artist: Riddhi Kanetkar
Loose Lips Might Sink Trade Negotiations
This appeared in CG Issue 70
Brexit TV
There was something odd about Netflix’s medievalist flick, The King – and I’m not talking about Timothée Chalamet’s English accent...
Barexit: A History of Brexit In a Drinks Menu
This appeared in CG 69
Boris did THAT?
This appeared in CG 69
European Migration: The Cheese Grater’s Plan
The latter half of this decade has exposed some of the deep-rooted illnesses that New Labour laissez fester in our society; from i...
Labour’s New Leadership Hopefuls
It’s been a whirlwind couple of days for Greater Britain and there is one question on every pair of metropolitan political elite l...
Merry Christmas from Universities UK!
This appeared in CG 69
Brought to you by @factcheckUK
Artist: Ella Schlesinger
The Secret To Failure: Barbara is Back
Hey guys. Barbara Tresemmé’s the name, a failed career in public speaking’s the game. You might remember me from the riotously pop...
‘Future Leaders or Fun-Killing, School-Missing, Planet-Destroying Idiots? An Objective Take on Youth Climate Strikers in 2019′
Francis K. Whitt is the environmental editor for the Male Observer, an award-winning magazine that uses facts and logic to decode ...
Provost thoughts
This appeared in CG 66.
Peppa Pig as symbol and symptom of neo-colonialism: why the Financial Times was right
This appeared in CG 66.
The search for the next Provost begins
Michael Arthur will be stepping down as Provost at the end of September 2020, and the search is on for his successor. The Cheese G...
Giving head: Jeremy Bentham speaks
Greetings and salutations, guys, girls and everything in between. For those who don’t know me, I’m the shrivelled up, bollocky-loo...
My Best Friend Genghis
This appeared in CG 65.
Special announcement for commuters
This appeared in CG 65.
The Fuzz: UCL’s quality online magazine
This appeared in CG 65.
*IMPORTANT* New exam venue details
This article appeared in CG 65.
Cringe! You kinda asked for it
This appeared in CG 65.
Students’ Union under fire as emotional support dog exposes harsh treatment
Students’ Union UCL has come under fire this week after reports of mistreatment from one of its recent guests.
Gruffles, an emoti...
Puzzlemaster Wendy’s Suko Puzzler
This article appeared in CG 65.
Fair’s Fair UCL
This article appeared in CG 65.
In the Bleak Midwinter: A UCL tale
In the bleak midwinter
The IOE made moan
The building’s slowly crumbling
Like an old grey stone
Concrete is piling up
Block o...
CRINGE!
This article appeared in CG Issue 64.
The Cheese Grater Magazine’s London Hot Spot Watch
This article appeared in CG Issue 64.
Smashed Avocado
Darcy BounsallThis cartoon appeared in CG Issue 64.
A sneak peak into our next issue…
This article appeared in CG Issue 64.
#UCLCares
Were you fortunate enough to receive one of the #UCLCares keyrings in your fresher’s week? You’ll be thrilled to know that UC...
Labour’s Brexit position revealed
Our Position on BrexitOur position on Brexit is perfectly clear: Labour is aware of Brexit. We will negotiat...
Interview: Jordan “B” Peterson
Jordan B Peterson’s overnight ascent from sexless provincial college professor to international cultural icon has taken the world...
Free Bike Maintenance
This appeared in CG Issue 63.
IMPORTANT: Timetabling Update
This article appeared in CG Issue 63.
Exclusive: Boris Johnson’s first speech as Prime Minister
Draft #64I have just been to Buckingham Palace, where Her Majesty The Queen has asked me to form a new government, and I accep...
In conversation with… Michael Arthur
It’s Thursday afternoon and fresher Daniel Jones is on route to meeting UCL’s provost Michael Arthur for what could be a ground-br...
UC(tel)L(y)
TV Listings Wednesday 7 October
UC(tel)L(y)
Freeview: 007, Sky: 127, Virgin Media: 132, The Telescreen In Your UCL Room: 001...
#UCLouvain
Hi there Fr-iend-esher! Have you got any questions about coming to ?Oh, hello. Yes, sorry, this is then?Yes! This is - w...
Drug Talk: Theresa May Talks Running Through a Field of Weed
Hundreds of millions of students a day are using hard drugs in London alone. Every month, The Cheese Grater will be asking a figur...
UCL’s White Christmas
Tara Sarangi and Colette AllenThis was published in CG Issue 60.
Logan Paul’s Big Announcement
Disgraced Internet star and future POTUS Logan Paul has returned to YouTube with a 7-minute confessional video, explaining that, f...
The Cheese Grater At Risk Of Closure
Following SUUCL's much maligned decision to cut all funding to The Cheese Grater this term, editors, contributors, readers...
“Regal Carpet” Review
Not quite a “Crapet” but certainly quite crap in some respectsI found this carpet quite sturdy and it almost fully supports me...
A.A. Gill, Back From The Dead, Comes To UCL
Venue: Digital Engagement in Archaeology: Strategies and Evaluation Methods Conference, South CloistersPrice: FreeSet in U...
Theresa May’s Diary Leaked To Press
The Cheese Grater is proud to reveal a few of the most tantalising titbits from PM Theresa May’s personal diary. These excerpts pr...
What Is UCL’s Favourite Spoon?
The Cheese Grater held an exclusive interview with UCL provost Michael Arthur to put an end to the ceaseless debates and bitter ar...
A Quick Catch Up With Ed Miliband
Ten minutes after I arrive at the hotel room I hear a knock at the door.“Come in.”Miliband walks through the door and sits...
We Interviewed Bellogate Expert Mr Replé Aull About Today’s Shenanigans
Interviewer: Mr Aull, thank you for coming in on such short notice.Replé: It is no problem. I have a dedicated laptop signed i...
Israel-Palestine Conflict Resolved In Comments Section Of The Guardian
In what has been described as a breakthrough for international diplomacy, the Israel-Palestine border dispute, often viewed as one...
I Quit My Day Job To Travel The World
It fucking sucks, please help me.Just a few years ago, I was like you. Stuck in a dead-end fifty hour a week, £60K a year job,...
The Tab Caves To Student Pressure
The Tab London has followed the wishes of students announcing on Twitter today that "by popular demand it will now be merely a for...
Casanovas’ Corner: We Give You Our Secrets To Sex
Every man dreams of being the best she’s ever had, and as it's the season of giving, it’s time you got the inside scoop. We’ve sco...
This One Stupid Thing Will Ruin The Cruciform For You Forever
The architect Alfred Waterhouse is known for beautiful Gothic buildings; the Natural History Museum, Balliol College in Oxford...
The Secret To Success: The Three Rules Of Studying
Professor Barbara Tresemmé is an internationally renowned expert in education, claiming diplomas from various universities. She ha...
Uber’s London Licence Extended Indefinitely
The Cheese Grater can reveal that the termination of Uber’s operating licence in the capital will be repealed yet again as talks b...
Fresher Wonders Why No One Will Talk To Him As Social Grace Period Ends
“It all changed when I got back from the Christmas holidays” said Marcus Wilson. “People who would have previously nodded politely...
Which Usuli Twelver Ayatollah And District Of Serbia Is Your University?
Let's be honest, it was only a matter of time. Now I know, I know: the old 'which Usuli Twelver Ayatollah and district of Serbia i...
Hurl! Hurl! Hurl! (To Everything There Is a Season)
One of UCL's cleaners (not underpaid or undervalued by UCL or students at all!) shares their experience...When you get to my a...
UCL Pioneers Way To Improve Student Satisfaction
Roused into action by being placed 120th in the country for student satisfaction, UCL has thrown its black heart and soul into che...
What your course looks like, according to everyone else
You’d think that categorising students by their subject would be an obvious attempt to rely on tired old tropes in a desperate ple...
Nostalgia, Actually
This year, prepare yourselves for the film so English it’s probably racist: Love Actually 2.
Richard Curtis’ beloved romcom retur...
Vegetarian eats Mexican man in “tragic misunderstanding”
Mexican Mondays/ Meat-Free Mondays Mix-Up
The Cheese Grater can reveal shocking developments surrounding the death of UCL student...
That controversial David Cameron speech in full
The former man visited Eton College on the last day of term.
“Thank you, thank you. It seems like only yesterday I myself was lea...
Wow! This guy’s predictions from 100 years ago will blow your mind!
Claire Voyant takes a look at Roy O'Sullivan's playful predictions of yesteryear.
One hundred years ago this month, The Cheese Gr...
Wow! One magic trick and your locker is protected forever!
Magick Spelles for Everyday Life: Spelle Foure - Protecting Yowre Lockere
Of alle the mystick artes, it is the Charmes of Protect...
“Condiments of the Stars” – This week, Jeremy Corbyn’s Favourite Jams!
My favourite jams – by Jeremy Corbyn
Hello everybody.If there’s one thing we can agree on it is that 2016 was a wonderful ye...
A very patriotic Valentine’s Day to you all
President Donald Trump’s latest executive order has declared February 14th as National Patriotic 10s Day.
“To make America great ...
Donald Trump Inauguration Speech “Plagiarised Hussein”
Speech borrows heavily from former Iraqi President, critics claim
President Donald Trump has been caught red-handed in his inaugu...
A Forbidden Lust: An Ode to Ivanka
Now that that whole "election" thing is over, former businessman Donald Trump can relax and enjoy his favourite past-time: writing...
This man’s reaction to getting pranked was absolutely priceless!
When local man Nick Fields was pranked on Saturday, his reaction was just utterly priceless. Paul O’Hara, the prankster in questio...
SAVAGE, UCLU’s Premier Arts and Culture Journal, Interviews Ed Balls
Always at the vanguard of the London culture scene, UCLU’s arts journal “SAVAGE” presents an exclusive interview with dancing sens...
Theresa May’s Neonatal Passport Checks
A Cheese Grater Investigations Exclusive
The Prime Minister has unveiled a pilot scheme that will require all newborn babies to ...
SAVAGE interviews Christmas’ most controversial figurehead, Santa Claus
I stand outside the Lapland Embassy on Belgravia's Chesham Place, shivering culturally in my D&G brogues. A homeless man appro...
Pi Comment: Why, at 21, I’m rejecting the damaging Santa Claus myth
For all my 21 years, the esteemed St. Nicholas has managed to find the time, energy, and gymnastic prowess to fit his portly statu...
The Herstory of the Potato
Everything Pi Mag’s patriarchal history of the spud didn’t tell you.
Is there a more radical food than the potato? I would argue ...
The Provost’s Dream Diary
January 5th: dreamt that a swiss old cruel man with tiny cloth eyes sold me a whistle I played the whistle and hannah sketchley ...
An Exclusive Interview with Richard d’Urquhart
Chorles Higson meets the UK’s most depraved food critic
When I first see d’Urquhart, he is squatting outside the Tesco on Goodge ...
Just The Tips For Valentines!
Some STEAMY tips to spice up your love life!
With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, those lucky enough to have the love-bug stead...