Humour and Satire

Our Humour & Satire Team is the hub for all things funny. We lack comedic excellence so if you feel like joining this section please do as we need all the help we can get. We also desperately need people to join the Graphics Team, which meets at the same time as our humour meetings. Please please please draw for us.

We are accepting pitches and submissions at humour@cheesegratermagazine.org.

So, the Woman You Were Interested In Tells You She’s A Lesbian

So, the Woman You Were Interested In Tells You She’s A Lesbian

Marian Jago So, it happened again. You started talking to someone you really liked and she seemed to really like you, so you f...
Anti-Heroes, Loyalty and Redemption – Cinematic Parallels Between Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked and The Godfather I-III

Anti-Heroes, Loyalty and Redemption – Cinematic Parallels Between Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked and The Godfather I-III

Malvika Murkumbi A heart-wrenching tale of brotherhood, power, loyalty and redemption, this timeless piece of work has it all....
Cars (2006) is a Cautionary Tale of Automotive Revolt

Cars (2006) is a Cautionary Tale of Automotive Revolt

Mayra Nassef When I think about the evolution of humanity in the 21st century, it can chronologically be categorised into two ...
Campbell House Rat x Portico Pigeon

Campbell House Rat x Portico Pigeon

Lauren Kleiff It’s been a long winter. I’ve struggled to hide in the basement and to stay hidden from dangerous human eyes. I’...
Cheese Grater Satire Team at Risk of Closure

Cheese Grater Satire Team at Risk of Closure

Nick Miao The Satire Team at The Cheese Grater Magazine is on the brink of collapse following the latest scandal by the UCL Co...
Latest Name Revealed in Epstein Court Documents: Climate Change

Latest Name Revealed in Epstein Court Documents: Climate Change

Izzie Moull UCL’s Cheese Grater Magazine has been given exclusive access to the latest Epstein court documents and can rep...
‘Toxic Gossip Train’ (Rebekah’s Version)

‘Toxic Gossip Train’ (Rebekah’s Version)

Rebekah Wright & Nick Miao Hello everyone, Investigations Editor Rebekah Wright, here. I just want to clear up a few thing...
Top 5 Pisstastic Places Around Campus

Top 5 Pisstastic Places Around Campus

Top 5 Pisstastic Places Around Campus Marian Jago and Nick Miao Have you got a small bladder? Perhaps permanent nerve damag...
Cheese Grater Satire Writer Insists He Is OK

Cheese Grater Satire Writer Insists He Is OK

Nick Miao The Cheese Grater writer responsible for our previous article titled Heartbreaking: The Voices In Your Head Just Mad...
How to be a UCL Medical Student

How to be a UCL Medical Student

Altay Shaw So, you’re studying medicine at UCL. Now that your parents are bragging to your extended family that you are intell...
The Venture to the Void

The Venture to the Void

Keziah Cho On Charlotte Street one finds two households, both alike in dignity. Or at least that’s what UCL accommodation woul...
Keir Starmer… A Day in the Life

Keir Starmer… A Day in the Life

Ben Scanlan Hello everyone, or should I say ‘Oi Oi guvnah!’, My name is Keith Starmer, I’m a normal, ordinary bloke (just like...
Progressive Policy Suggestions for Keir Starmer

Progressive Policy Suggestions for Keir Starmer

Seth Harris and Nick Miao People often say that Keir Starmer doesn’t believe in anything as if that’s a bad thing. What they d...
Fine, Fresh, and Full of Flu – The Diary of a Social Virus

Fine, Fresh, and Full of Flu – The Diary of a Social Virus

Malvika Murkumbi Dear Diary,This year’s crop moved in today! They’re all nervously smiling at each other and swapping Instagra...
DKA Dream

DKA Dream

Catrin Jones In the midst of OSCE* season, (and perhaps that was the reason) I slept to a dream of DKA**, Envisioning...
AITA for rebelling against my family and faith by dating a short-sighted girl?

AITA for rebelling against my family and faith by dating a short-sighted girl?

Euan Toh I (21M) am rebelling against my quasi-religious middle-class family by dating a girl who just so happens to be myopic...
Heartbreaking: The Voices In Your Head Just Made A Really Good Point

Heartbreaking: The Voices In Your Head Just Made A Really Good Point

Nick Miao In a heartbreaking series of events, the voices in your head have made a really good point, The Cheese Grater can re...
What UCL Hall are you???

What UCL Hall are you???

Izzie Moull Now you're here and you're all settled into your 'cosy' room you might be wondering is this really the right halls...
Avoiding a Knockout: Advice from a UCL dropout

Avoiding a Knockout: Advice from a UCL dropout

Lauren Klieff If you are thriving and full of enthusiasm to take on a new academic year; congratulations on your relative stab...
All I Wanted Was Some Pesto: The Annual Student Migration Takes Its Toll

All I Wanted Was Some Pesto: The Annual Student Migration Takes Its Toll

Izzie Moull Move in weekend here in London has clearly exacerbated the already delicate situation that Lidl experiences on a S...
Tilly’s Diary

Tilly’s Diary

Izzie Moull Dear Diary, I told you back in September that I was quite shocked that only 3 of the 5 of my flatmates had gone...
The UCL guide to being a covert Oxbridge reject 

The UCL guide to being a covert Oxbridge reject 

Lucy Reade 1. Only tell people four of the Universities you applied to on UCAS: During the conversational hell that is Fresher...
Naked Yoga: A Belligerent Ode to the Pussy

Naked Yoga: A Belligerent Ode to the Pussy

Mathilde Turner For the first time in my rapidly lengthening life, a month and a half ago, I moved north of the river to Pimli...
Straight out of Tottenham (Court Road)

Straight out of Tottenham (Court Road)

Lucy Reade I’d been living in London no less than a month when I had my first harrowing experience with knife crime. I was up ...
Rejected Dissertation Titles

Rejected Dissertation Titles

Seth Robinson Medicine: Exploring correlation between constellatory alignments and patient deaths in the ICU: Am I a psychopat...
Silent Night

Silent Night

Izzie Moull Silent night, Holy night All is calm, all is bright Round yon builders, with hammers and drills Ceaseless...
Decor 101

Decor 101

Soyoon Koo Flat-hunting is a nightmarish ordeal for anybody with even a shred of sanity. We search, we scour, we scramble for ...
How to Sound like Your Cyborg Classmates

How to Sound like Your Cyborg Classmates

Joe Houghton & Co.  Picture this: you have accidentally wandered into the wrong lecture room and out of sheer pride you re...
Packed Lunches: A Story of Possession

Packed Lunches: A Story of Possession

Mathilde Turner Halloween: the one night a year when it’s acceptable, and even encouraged, to want to be someone else. This ye...
Truss is a (Shit) Show

Truss is a (Shit) Show

Izzie Moull OMFGG guys! She’s gone! I can’t believe she left so soon tho! Like I know Liz wasn’t the most popular but you coul...
Ode to Sports Night

Ode to Sports Night

Seth Robinson It’s Wednesday night - I sway slightly in the queue,   Spearmint extra - Sauvignon just passed from mout...
What the Upcoming Mercury Retrograde Means for You

What the Upcoming Mercury Retrograde Means for You

This article appeared in CG issue 83.
Advice to Freshers

Advice to Freshers

This article appeared in CG issue 83.
Clearing the air.

Clearing the air.

To: cheesegrater_editor@ucl.ac.uk From: daddysemail@ucl.ac.uk (date: 26/9/2022, time: 02:32am) Subject: Disgust, Disappo...
5 Study Spaces UCL don’t want YOU to know about

5 Study Spaces UCL don’t want YOU to know about

Have you ever reached the Student Centre at the crack of dawn only to be met with the grim realisation that...

Geraldine, 52, Learns Phrase ‘Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss’ From Daughter Gessica and Decides to Build a Gempire

Congrats on becoming a dad Michael Cera ❤️

Congrats on becoming a dad Michael Cera ❤️

I won’t be the first to say that Michael Cera is hugely underrated. It’s true that he has somewhat of a mini cult following in som...
Netflix, please stop commissioning Wattpad fanfiction

Netflix, please stop commissioning Wattpad fanfiction

Look, I get why Wattpad exists. It caters to a big audience. *imagine this narration in Vanessa Hudgens’ voice for the rest of the...
RIP to the Group of Students Traveling to Bath and Stonehenge

RIP to the Group of Students Traveling to Bath and Stonehenge

Although there have been many a correlation throughout my silly little life, such as that between how much coffee I drink in t...
An Elegy for the £3 Meal Deal

An Elegy for the £3 Meal Deal

In the last year, prices of household goods have risen by 5.5% on average; the fastest rate in the last thirty years, creating hug...
A little rant about sprinkles

A little rant about sprinkles

I could go on for days about how classic rainbow sprinkles are an insult to the senses, but I have taken some time off today to co...
Molly-Mae is the QUEEN of QUOTES

Molly-Mae is the QUEEN of QUOTES

You couldn’t have measured my delight when blonde brains, beauty and Love Island icon, not to mention ALLITERATIVE NAME LEGEND, Mo...
Butter on Toast Recipe

Butter on Toast Recipe

Users rated this recipe: ★★★★★/5 stars Hundreds of people make butter on toast every day. Who doesn’t love easy, cheap, nutriti...
What’sAppening with this WhatsApp shite?

What’sAppening with this WhatsApp shite?

Disgruntled third year aka pensioner TRIGGER WARNING: MARK ZUCKERBERG I was content once. I could dip into the group chat fo...
Woman reminded of her own mortality by mild stomach pain during night 

Woman reminded of her own mortality by mild stomach pain during night 

A woman has reported being shaken to her core after experiencing moderate gastrointestinal discomfort during the early hours of Th...
I Miss the GameCube WaveBird, the Best Controller Nintendo Ever Made

I Miss the GameCube WaveBird, the Best Controller Nintendo Ever Made

Subdue beginning appear have fill also their sea i you’re i from under, moving appear light may waters evening grass shall mornin...
You

You

Hmmm…who are you? Based on your 18th century clothes, you must be some historical figure, someone most important. You’re holdin...
The Classics, Re-Reviewed

The Classics, Re-Reviewed

Out with the old, in with the new: a Gen Z-millennial hybrid brings you an unwanted perspective on several ‘classi...
Socialising 101 for Dummies at Uni

Socialising 101 for Dummies at Uni

Disclaimer: a hearty amount of alcohol will make the next 6 steps much, much easier.  Leave your room! I know the world is a ...
Letters to the Editor

Letters to the Editor

Madam/Sir, Having lived on this earth for over two decades, my opinion on many things has evolved over time. However, there is ...
In Defense of J.K. Rowling

In Defense of J.K. Rowling

An Ode to Coughing

An Ode to Coughing

It was my first lecture back and I was so excited, until I felt a tickle in the back of my throat! Oh No! I thought to myself. The...
Breaking News: Influencers Have Completely Lost It As Instagram Enters Its 6th Hour of Not Working

Breaking News: Influencers Have Completely Lost It As Instagram Enters Its 6th Hour of Not Working

Monday 4th October 2021, c.10:45pm BST.  Hello and welcome to the totally real and not made up Cheese Grater Live News Report (...
Cheese Grater Admits to Endorsing SU Agenda

Cheese Grater Admits to Endorsing SU Agenda

In light of recent allegations that the Cheese Grater magazine panders to the SU agenda, we would like to confirm that this is und...
Vaguely Finance-related Society Name Generator, On Sale NOW!

Vaguely Finance-related Society Name Generator, On Sale NOW!

Want to work in finance but need to spruce up your CV? Ever heard the term ‘spring week’, given it a Google, and seen fireworks ap...
A Sonnet for Sin Bin

A Sonnet for Sin Bin

Shall I compare thee to A Wednesday Eve For you smell of VK, and of Jager Rough times have meant that you now must leave ...
Teenager X

Teenager X

Teenager X, as written for an American high-school themed TV show by a fully grown adult (sample script) “HEY! You wanna go to a ...
LinkedIn Notification: Charles Smith Has Just Posted For The First Time In A While

LinkedIn Notification: Charles Smith Has Just Posted For The First Time In A While

Charles Smith - Bronze Duke of Edinburgh, BSC, MBA, OBE Failure is a part of life. I learnt this in my first year at univers...
‘If’

‘If’

‘If’ - by Rudyard Kipling Stanley Johnson If you can lose your head when all about you Are keeping theirs and not blaming you...
Grammarly: Your Free Online Writing Assistant

Grammarly: Your Free Online Writing Assistant

Writing is NOT that easy, but Grammarly can help. Grammarly’s CUTTING EDGE technology (that means technology that’s at a very adva...
UCL’s Plan to Keep Our Tuition Fees, Exposé by Billy Fresher

UCL’s Plan to Keep Our Tuition Fees, Exposé by Billy Fresher

Hola fellow youths. In all my years dropping in and out of first year at UCL, I’ve never really felt that tuition fees were worth ...
An Anonymous Letter To People Who Don’t Believe in Astrology

An Anonymous Letter To People Who Don’t Believe in Astrology

Dear Astrology Haters, How are you doing? There was recently a new moon in Pisces, which you were unaware of. Did you let go of...
The Unspoken Impact of COVID-19 

The Unspoken Impact of COVID-19 

The pandemic has affected everyone. The news is riddled with stories of people losing their jobs, their relatives and their homes…...
Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets

Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets

1. Students are stupid and Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets (PGTAs) do everything we can to make you feel inferior to us. ...
Book Review: ‘An Oxbridge Education’ (London, Penguin, 2020)

Book Review: ‘An Oxbridge Education’ (London, Penguin, 2020)

Professor Smith’s new book on the consequences of an Oxbridge education is good, given her circumstances. It must have been tough ...
Not All Men

Not All Men

Oven-Ready

Oven-Ready

An Article that is Not About the Pandemic

An Article that is Not About the Pandemic

Across both mainstream and student publications, all people can talk about is COVID-19. Do they think we don’t notice? They are si...
A Self-Portrait of an English Student and Artist

A Self-Portrait of an English Student and Artist

Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets

Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets

1. Students are stupid and Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets (PGTAs) do everything we can to make you feel inferior to us. ...
Crisis on the Central Line

Crisis on the Central Line

Amidst ongoing problems in the city’s transport network, worrying reports have emerged of multiple gates being broken at Aldgate t...
Updated UCL Careers Advice

Updated UCL Careers Advice

As it turns out, entering the UK job market this year won’t be quite as easy as walking into the US capitol. What with the ongoing...
Olivia Rodrigo’s Driving Instructor Reveals All

Olivia Rodrigo’s Driving Instructor Reveals All

This month, Olivia Rodrigo’s smash hit ‘Drivers License’ has taken the internet by storm, becoming the first song to achieve 200 m...
Coronavirus: Matt Hancock announces further fair and reasonable lockdown rules 

Coronavirus: Matt Hancock announces further fair and reasonable lockdown rules 

Without Matt Hancock, where would Britain be? One can only speculate. Of course, had Hancock not been at the helm of British healt...
Priti Patel Retrains as the Child Snatcher

Priti Patel Retrains as the Child Snatcher

Last night Home Secretary and renowned bully Priti Patel was fired from Boris Johnson’s cabinet, after it emerged that her 14 day ...
The 25 Stages of Writing a Satire Article

The 25 Stages of Writing a Satire Article

Brainstorm Research Is there anything interesting at UCL? Jezzzzaaaa Contemplation of daily routine How do I ma...
How I Recreated the Freshers Experience Living with my Parents

How I Recreated the Freshers Experience Living with my Parents

By Billy Fresher, big shot journalist Hey there fellow youths. It's me, Billy Fresher. I've been dropping in and out of first y...
Among Us

Among Us

This appeared in Issue 74
Disrupt Your Thinking

Disrupt Your Thinking

This appeared in Issue 74
Count Your Blessings

Count Your Blessings

That One Annoying Guy at The Front of The Lecture Hall Is Struggling to Convey Just How Much He Knows Over Zoom The situation thi...
In Defence of Covidian Freshers (by Fresher)

In Defence of Covidian Freshers (by Fresher)

If one more gloating third year looks at me sadly, sighs and says: ‘I just feel so bad for you’, or ‘You’re so brave going into ha...
Cheese Grater Guides: How to Speak Like Emily in Paris 

Cheese Grater Guides: How to Speak Like Emily in Paris 

Have you watched the latest binge-watch phenomenon on Netflix? Did you think Emily was just bloody well adorable? Do you want to p...
Economic Forecasting

Economic Forecasting

V-, L-, or U-shaped recovery? Economists run out of letters to describe their forecasts. Chief economists are looking for someone...
Cling Film Life Hacks

Cling Film Life Hacks

This simple trick with cling film will change your life I’m sure you are all familiar with cling film. You probably have some in ...
Lessons in Marketing – The Not Cool Club

Lessons in Marketing – The Not Cool Club

Things That Are Two Meters Long

Things That Are Two Meters Long

The ExCel Experience: COVID-19 edition

The ExCel Experience: COVID-19 edition

How to make a WikiHow article

How to make a WikiHow article

Header image: https://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Successful-Lawyer
Brexit: A Living Museum

Brexit: A Living Museum

It’s Thursday night. I turn up to this event where an important politician is supposed to speak. I’ve been told about this event b...
Corona-virus

Corona-virus

LGBTQ Month: Werewolf edition

LGBTQ Month: Werewolf edition

  Artist: Alice Fraser Edwards This appeared in CG Issue 71
5 Ways To Get In Shape For Module Registration

5 Ways To Get In Shape For Module Registration

Would you look at that? Our favourite time of the year has already been and gone! That’s right. The week-long period where for two...
Boris Serves Tea, Casual Racism and Misogyny

Boris Serves Tea, Casual Racism and Misogyny

    Artist: Riddhi Kanetkar  

Loose Lips Might Sink Trade Negotiations

    This appeared in CG Issue 70  
Brexit TV

Brexit TV

There was something odd about Netflix’s medievalist flick, The King – and I’m not talking about Timothée Chalamet’s English accent...
Barexit: A History of Brexit In a Drinks Menu

Barexit: A History of Brexit In a Drinks Menu

  This appeared in CG 69
Boris did THAT?

Boris did THAT?

  This appeared in CG 69
European Migration: The Cheese Grater’s Plan

European Migration: The Cheese Grater’s Plan

The latter half of this decade has exposed some of the deep-rooted illnesses that New Labour laissez fester in our society; from i...
Labour’s New Leadership Hopefuls

Labour’s New Leadership Hopefuls

It’s been a whirlwind couple of days for Greater Britain and there is one question on every pair of metropolitan political elite l...
Merry Christmas from Universities UK!

Merry Christmas from Universities UK!

This appeared in CG 69
Brought to you by @factcheckUK

Brought to you by @factcheckUK

Artist: Ella Schlesinger
The Secret To Failure: Barbara is Back

The Secret To Failure: Barbara is Back

Hey guys. Barbara Tresemmé’s the name, a failed career in public speaking’s the game. You might remember me from the riotously pop...
‘Future Leaders or Fun-Killing, School-Missing, Planet-Destroying Idiots? An Objective Take on Youth Climate Strikers in 2019′

‘Future Leaders or Fun-Killing, School-Missing, Planet-Destroying Idiots? An Objective Take on Youth Climate Strikers in 2019′

Francis K. Whitt is the environmental editor for the Male Observer, an award-winning magazine that uses facts and logic to decode ...
Provost thoughts

Provost thoughts

This appeared in CG 66. 
Peppa Pig as symbol and symptom of neo-colonialism: why the Financial Times was right

Peppa Pig as symbol and symptom of neo-colonialism: why the Financial Times was right

This appeared in CG 66. 
The search for the next Provost begins

The search for the next Provost begins

Michael Arthur will be stepping down as Provost at the end of September 2020, and the search is on for his successor. The Cheese G...
Giving head: Jeremy Bentham speaks

Giving head: Jeremy Bentham speaks

Greetings and salutations, guys, girls and everything in between. For those who don’t know me, I’m the shrivelled up, bollocky-loo...
My Best Friend Genghis

My Best Friend Genghis

This appeared in CG 65. 
Special announcement for commuters

Special announcement for commuters

This appeared in CG 65.
The Fuzz: UCL’s quality online magazine

The Fuzz: UCL’s quality online magazine

This appeared in CG 65.
*IMPORTANT* New exam venue details

*IMPORTANT* New exam venue details

This article appeared in CG 65.
Cringe! You kinda asked for it

Cringe! You kinda asked for it

This appeared in CG 65. 
Students’ Union under fire as emotional support dog exposes harsh treatment

Students’ Union under fire as emotional support dog exposes harsh treatment

Students’ Union UCL has come under fire this week after reports of mistreatment from one of its recent guests. Gruffles, an emoti...
Puzzlemaster Wendy’s Suko Puzzler

Puzzlemaster Wendy’s Suko Puzzler

This article appeared in CG 65.   
Fair’s Fair UCL

Fair’s Fair UCL

This article appeared in CG 65.
In the Bleak Midwinter: A UCL tale

In the Bleak Midwinter: A UCL tale

In the bleak midwinter The IOE made moan The building’s slowly crumbling Like an old grey stone Concrete is piling up Block o...
CRINGE!

CRINGE!

This article appeared in CG Issue 64.
The Cheese Grater Magazine’s London Hot Spot Watch

The Cheese Grater Magazine’s London Hot Spot Watch

This article appeared in CG Issue 64.
Smashed Avocado

Smashed Avocado

Darcy Bounsall This cartoon appeared in CG Issue 64.
A sneak peak into our next issue…

A sneak peak into our next issue…

This article appeared in CG Issue 64.
#UCLCares

#UCLCares

Were you fortunate enough to receive one of the #UCLCares keyrings in your fresher’s week? You’ll be thrilled to know that UC...
Labour’s Brexit position revealed

Labour’s Brexit position revealed

Our Position on Brexit Our position on Brexit is perfectly clear: Labour is aware of Brexit.  We will negotiat...
Interview: Jordan “B” Peterson

Interview: Jordan “B” Peterson

Jordan B Peterson’s overnight ascent from sexless provincial college professor to international cultural icon has taken the world...
Free Bike Maintenance

Free Bike Maintenance

This appeared in CG Issue 63.
IMPORTANT: Timetabling Update

IMPORTANT: Timetabling Update

This article appeared in CG Issue 63.
Exclusive: Boris Johnson’s first speech as Prime Minister

Exclusive: Boris Johnson’s first speech as Prime Minister

Draft #64 I have just been to Buckingham Palace, where Her Majesty The Queen has asked me to form a new government, and I accep...
In conversation with… Michael Arthur

In conversation with… Michael Arthur

It’s Thursday afternoon and fresher Daniel Jones is on route to meeting UCL’s provost Michael Arthur for what could be a ground-br...
UC(tel)L(y)

UC(tel)L(y)

TV Listings Wednesday 7 October UC(tel)L(y) Freeview: 007, Sky: 127, Virgin Media: 132, The Telescreen In Your UCL Room: 001 ...
UCL 2020

UCL 2020

Health Check

Health Check

Freshers’ Tube Guide

Freshers’ Tube Guide

#UCLouvain

#UCLouvain

Hi there Fr-iend-esher! Have you got any questions about coming to ? Oh, hello. Yes, sorry, this is then? Yes! This is - w...
untitled by jack

untitled by jack

Drug Talk: Theresa May Talks Running Through a Field of Weed

Drug Talk: Theresa May Talks Running Through a Field of Weed

Hundreds of millions of students a day are using hard drugs in London alone. Every month, The Cheese Grater will be asking a figur...
UCL’s White Christmas

UCL’s White Christmas

Tara Sarangi and Colette Allen This was published in CG Issue 60.
Logan Paul’s Big Announcement

Logan Paul’s Big Announcement

Disgraced Internet star and future POTUS Logan Paul has returned to YouTube with a 7-minute confessional video, explaining that, f...
The Cheese Grater At Risk Of Closure

The Cheese Grater At Risk Of Closure

Following SUUCL's much maligned decision to cut all funding to The Cheese Grater this term, editors, contributors, readers...
Spotted In George Farha

Spotted In George Farha

“Regal Carpet” Review

“Regal Carpet” Review

Not quite a “Crapet” but certainly quite crap in some respects I found this carpet quite sturdy and it almost fully supports me...
A.A. Gill, Back From The Dead, Comes To UCL

A.A. Gill, Back From The Dead, Comes To UCL

Venue: Digital Engagement in Archaeology: Strategies and Evaluation Methods Conference, South Cloisters Price: Free Set in U...
Theresa May’s Diary Leaked To Press

Theresa May’s Diary Leaked To Press

The Cheese Grater is proud to reveal a few of the most tantalising titbits from PM Theresa May’s personal diary. These excerpts pr...
What Is UCL’s Favourite Spoon?

What Is UCL’s Favourite Spoon?

The Cheese Grater held an exclusive interview with UCL provost Michael Arthur to put an end to the ceaseless debates and bitter ar...
A Quick Catch Up With Ed Miliband

A Quick Catch Up With Ed Miliband

Ten minutes after I arrive at the hotel room I hear a knock at the door. “Come in.” Miliband walks through the door and sits...
We Interviewed Bellogate Expert Mr Replé Aull About Today’s Shenanigans

We Interviewed Bellogate Expert Mr Replé Aull About Today’s Shenanigans

Interviewer: Mr Aull, thank you for coming in on such short notice. Replé: It is no problem. I have a dedicated laptop signed i...
Israel-Palestine Conflict Resolved In Comments Section Of The Guardian

Israel-Palestine Conflict Resolved In Comments Section Of The Guardian

In what has been described as a breakthrough for international diplomacy, the Israel-Palestine border dispute, often viewed as one...
I Quit My Day Job To Travel The World

I Quit My Day Job To Travel The World

It fucking sucks, please help me. Just a few years ago, I was like you. Stuck in a dead-end fifty hour a week, £60K a year job,...
The Tab Caves To Student Pressure

The Tab Caves To Student Pressure

The Tab London has followed the wishes of students announcing on Twitter today that "by popular demand it will now be merely a for...
#Me-owToo

#Me-owToo

Casanovas’ Corner: We Give You Our Secrets To Sex

Casanovas’ Corner: We Give You Our Secrets To Sex

Every man dreams of being the best she’s ever had, and as it's the season of giving, it’s time you got the inside scoop. We’ve sco...
This One Stupid Thing Will Ruin The Cruciform For You Forever

This One Stupid Thing Will Ruin The Cruciform For You Forever

The architect Alfred Waterhouse is known for beautiful Gothic buildings; the Natural History Museum, Balliol College in Oxford...
The Secret To Success: The Three Rules Of Studying

The Secret To Success: The Three Rules Of Studying

Professor Barbara Tresemmé is an internationally renowned expert in education, claiming diplomas from various universities. She ha...
Uber’s London Licence Extended Indefinitely

Uber’s London Licence Extended Indefinitely

The Cheese Grater can reveal that the termination of Uber’s operating licence in the capital will be repealed yet again as talks b...
Fresher Wonders Why No One Will Talk To Him As Social Grace Period Ends

Fresher Wonders Why No One Will Talk To Him As Social Grace Period Ends

“It all changed when I got back from the Christmas holidays” said Marcus Wilson. “People who would have previously nodded politely...
Dalmation Man

Dalmation Man

Free Range Pigs

Free Range Pigs

Which Usuli Twelver Ayatollah And District Of Serbia Is Your University?

Which Usuli Twelver Ayatollah And District Of Serbia Is Your University?

Let's be honest, it was only a matter of time. Now I know, I know: the old 'which Usuli Twelver Ayatollah and district of Serbia i...
Exclusive: Union Changes Its Name Again

Exclusive: Union Changes Its Name Again

Hurl! Hurl! Hurl! (To Everything There Is a Season)

Hurl! Hurl! Hurl! (To Everything There Is a Season)

One of UCL's cleaners (not underpaid or undervalued by UCL or students at all!) shares their experience... When you get to my a...
UCL Pioneers Way To Improve Student Satisfaction

UCL Pioneers Way To Improve Student Satisfaction

Roused into action by being placed 120th in the country for student satisfaction, UCL has thrown its black heart and soul into che...
What your course looks like, according to everyone else

What your course looks like, according to everyone else

You’d think that categorising students by their subject would be an obvious attempt to rely on tired old tropes in a desperate ple...
Nostalgia, Actually

Nostalgia, Actually

This year, prepare yourselves for the film so English it’s probably racist: Love Actually 2. Richard Curtis’ beloved romcom retur...
Vegetarian eats Mexican man in “tragic misunderstanding”

Vegetarian eats Mexican man in “tragic misunderstanding”

Mexican Mondays/ Meat-Free Mondays Mix-Up The Cheese Grater can reveal shocking developments surrounding the death of UCL student...
That controversial David Cameron speech in full

That controversial David Cameron speech in full

The former man visited Eton College on the last day of term. “Thank you, thank you. It seems like only yesterday I myself was lea...
Busman Begins (2005)

Busman Begins (2005)

Wow! This guy’s predictions from 100 years ago will blow your mind!

Wow! This guy’s predictions from 100 years ago will blow your mind!

Claire Voyant takes a look at Roy O'Sullivan's playful predictions of yesteryear. One hundred years ago this month, The Cheese Gr...
#thedarkknight

#thedarkknight

That new-look website in full

That new-look website in full

Wow! One magic trick and your locker is protected forever!

Wow! One magic trick and your locker is protected forever!

Magick Spelles for Everyday Life: Spelle Foure - Protecting Yowre Lockere Of alle the mystick artes, it is the Charmes of Protect...
“Condiments of the Stars” – This week, Jeremy Corbyn’s Favourite Jams!

“Condiments of the Stars” – This week, Jeremy Corbyn’s Favourite Jams!

My favourite jams – by Jeremy Corbyn Hello everybody. If there’s one thing we can agree on it is that 2016 was a wonderful ye...
‘Ars Amatoria’

‘Ars Amatoria’

A very patriotic Valentine’s Day to you all

A very patriotic Valentine’s Day to you all

President Donald Trump’s latest executive order has declared February 14th as National Patriotic 10s Day. “To make America great ...
‘The Sublime Idiot of Ideology’

‘The Sublime Idiot of Ideology’

Donald Trump Inauguration Speech “Plagiarised Hussein”

Donald Trump Inauguration Speech “Plagiarised Hussein”

Speech borrows heavily from former Iraqi President, critics claim President Donald Trump has been caught red-handed in his inaugu...
A Forbidden Lust: An Ode to Ivanka

A Forbidden Lust: An Ode to Ivanka

Now that that whole "election" thing is over, former businessman Donald Trump can relax and enjoy his favourite past-time: writing...
This man’s reaction to getting pranked was absolutely priceless!

This man’s reaction to getting pranked was absolutely priceless!

When local man Nick Fields was pranked on Saturday, his reaction was just utterly priceless. Paul O’Hara, the prankster in questio...
SAVAGE, UCLU’s Premier Arts and Culture Journal, Interviews Ed Balls

SAVAGE, UCLU’s Premier Arts and Culture Journal, Interviews Ed Balls

Always at the vanguard of the London culture scene, UCLU’s arts journal “SAVAGE” presents an exclusive interview with dancing sens...
Theresa May’s Neonatal Passport Checks

Theresa May’s Neonatal Passport Checks

 A Cheese Grater Investigations Exclusive The Prime Minister has unveiled a pilot scheme that will require all newborn babies to ...
SAVAGE interviews Christmas’ most controversial figurehead, Santa Claus

SAVAGE interviews Christmas’ most controversial figurehead, Santa Claus

I stand outside the Lapland Embassy on Belgravia's Chesham Place, shivering culturally in my D&G brogues. A homeless man appro...
Pi Comment: Why, at 21, I’m rejecting the damaging Santa Claus myth

Pi Comment: Why, at 21, I’m rejecting the damaging Santa Claus myth

For all my 21 years, the esteemed St. Nicholas has managed to find the time, energy, and gymnastic prowess to fit his portly statu...
The Herstory of the Potato

The Herstory of the Potato

Everything Pi Mag’s patriarchal history of the spud didn’t tell you. Is there a more radical food than the potato? I would argue ...
The Provost’s Dream Diary

The Provost’s Dream Diary

January 5th: dreamt that a swiss old cruel man with tiny cloth eyes sold me a whistle I played the whistle and hannah sketchley ...
An Exclusive Interview with Richard d’Urquhart

An Exclusive Interview with Richard d’Urquhart

Chorles Higson meets the UK’s most depraved food critic When I first see d’Urquhart, he is squatting outside the Tesco on Goodge ...
Just The Tips For Valentines!

Just The Tips For Valentines!

Some STEAMY tips to spice up your love life! With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, those lucky enough to have the love-bug stead...