‘Future Leaders or Fun-Killing, School-Missing, Planet-Destroying Idiots? An Objective Take on Youth Climate Strikers in 2019′

Francis K. Whitt is the environmental editor for the Male Observer, an award-winning magazine that uses facts and logic to decode some of our era’s most complex political problems.

Enormous clouds of nitrous oxides billow into the atmosphere. The roads are gridlocked; cars are powerless in the face of anarchy. Children scream. You’d be forgiven for mistaking these scenes for the beginning of a dystopian novel. However, in a world where mentally unstable schoolchildren have been deliberately flipping democracy on its head, this is now our reality. For those readers still living in blissful ignorance, let me explain.

Since December, students all over Britain have been demanding that the government ‘properly address the climate crisis’ and ‘stop pouring billions of pounds into the fossil fuel industry’. One Friday every month, they take the morning off school and join a peaceful protest in which they ask governments around the world to take their future seriously and act before it’s too late. Naturally, they justify this blatant rejection of the law by claiming that their education will be useless on a dead planet, but this is clearly a pretense. These under-educated morons aim to create a Hobbesian state of nature on British soil, demolishing our organs of government one protest at a time until there is nothing left but the ground we walk on.

As if it wasn’t embarrassing enough that they refer to a perfectly natural fluctuation in weather patterns as a ‘crisis’, they have also taken to demanding a ‘just transition’ – claiming that capitalism is somehow ‘responsible’ for climate change and the social and racial inequalities that it perpetuates. And yet, dear reader, you must surely have noticed the hypocrisy at play here. By stopping cars for up to 10 minutes at a time with their protests, these unruly students have been creating pollution on an unprecedented level. In fact, a source close to the Male Observer has found that fumes released from stationary cars during the demonstrations account for 90% of the UK’s annual greenhouse gas emissions. And even if this were not the case, it’s difficult to see how these students can justify their take on ‘global warming’ when they breathe out carbon dioxide themselves.

Nonetheless, we mustn’t worry ourselves too much. This kind of activity will soon be stamped out by the British state, and within a few years, everyone will have forgotten about this ‘climate change’ nonsense. In the meantime, its best to hop on a jumbo jet to the Bahamas, raise a glass to neo-liberalism, and wait until this all blows over.