Priti Patel Retrains as the Child Snatcher

Last night Home Secretary and renowned bully Priti Patel was fired from Boris Johnson’s cabinet, after it emerged that her 14 day holiday to the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea had featured several meetings with Kim Jong Un. Laura Kuenssberg reported: ‘This comes as little surprise, as the DPRK’s political beliefs are closely aligned with Patel’s. She too has expressed wishes to end free movement of people, use capital punishment and create forced labour camps.’

However, Patel, has made a swift career U-turn, and announced this morning that she has ‘found her new calling’. She explained that after watching the 1968 film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, she had been inspired by the character of the ‘child snatcher’, who displayed both determination and a total absence of moral direction. Patel then went on to display a selection of ‘goodies’ to round up children, which included lollypops, cherry pies, creampuffs, ice cream and treacle tarts.

Thanks to the Conservative government’s retraining scheme, Patel will be allowed to undertake college level equivalent training. Nonetheless, her new career has come under fire from 321 Conservative MPs, who say that giving free food to children is a prime example of creeping socialism.