Coronavirus: Matt Hancock announces further fair and reasonable lockdown rules 

Matt Hancock

Without Matt Hancock, where would Britain be? One can only speculate. Of course, had Hancock not been at the helm of British healthcare during a deadly pandemic, our country might have entered 2021 with an extra 80,000 inhabitants. But these losses pale in comparison to Hancock’s raging successes. Time and again, the man has delivered clear, just, and practical rules to keep the coronavirus thoroughly in check, ensuring that British citizens are left in no doubt about the latest government health advice.

On Monday afternoon, Hancock reiterated that it is currently acceptable to go for a long walk or a bike ride – but only if you stay local. Should you be a keen hiker, like former Prime Minister and current smug bastard Theresa May, you should ensure that you do not move from one part of the country to another. As ever, Hancock then ensured that his rules were fully comprehensible and not simply open to interpretation. He clarified that by ‘local’, he meant around ‘7 miles’ away from your home.

This came as a welcome surprise to Matt Hancock’s boss, Boris Johnson, who had been spotted one day previously on a cycle ride exactly 7 miles away from his home. Fortunately, any accusations of foul play on Hancock’s part fell on deaf ears, given the government’s consistent commitment to following the same rules they set for everyone else.

We await additional updates.