

A student was stunned when she found a working toilet in the Student Centre on the first go.
The average UCL student spends approximately 25 minutes looking for a working toilet in the Student Centre.
But second-year student Genevieve Pisser may have made history when she found a working loo on the first try.
Genevieve said: “I normally tend to do about a hundred laps of the different floors before finding a toilet that’s both available and unbroken.
“I mean, things have gotten especially hard since the second floor loos have been closed due to a biological hazard that threatens human life. But, what do you know, I walked into the hallway and it was there, waiting for me.”
Asked if she was afraid of anyone else beating her record, Genevieve shrugged and said: “I really think this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. I mean, come on. No one’s ever doing this again.
“I actually think this might be the first working toilet ever found in this building.”
Not only that, this toilet doesn’t even smell like Jeremy Bentham’s rotting corpse.
Our research reveal the eye-watering stench permeating from the University’s finest shitters has gone up 85% since the introduction of the Michelin Star-rated food truck Smash Burgers to the Main Quad.
Combined with the dangerous temperatures that rival those of the sun, it’s a miracle Genevieve was able to step out of there alive.
In response to this research, Welfare and Community Officer Rachel Lim (inset) insisted that this was nothing but “woke nonsense” and that students were “leftist scum” who should “learn to hold their piss in like real adults.”
She added: “The lack of facilities in the Student Centre has got nothing to do with me. Now please get out of my house.”
We also stopped by the Student Centre to interview some students about their own experiences with the toilets.
Unfortunately, we couldn’t hear anything over the racket caused by the incessant plopping, but we were able to piece together the following from one student in the queue: “This achievement is [inaudible] and it’s extremely impressive to [inaudible] Personally, I have taken to wearing nappies to contain my [inaudible] when I’ve drunk too many Red Bulls trying to complete my essay on [inaudible] Also the toilets are too narrow anyway, and they can’t fit my juicy dump truck. Woe is me. [inaudible] It’s so hard being [inaudible] What were you saying? Oh yeah [inaudible] And also [inaudible]!”
The editors of The Cheese Grater extend their congratulations to Genevieve for this amazing achievement and send love and best wishes to the hundreds of students still sitting in the hallways, waiting for the chance to piss.
This article appeared in CG89