Some STEAMY tips to spice up your love life!

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, those lucky enough to have the love-bug steadfastly chewing on their brains will be worrying about how to make the most of the yearly obligation day. Flowers and chocolates are all very well, but why not spice things up in the bedroom by trying out some fetishes? Here’s a few to get you started:

Coprophilia

This is the act of having intimate relation in a copse, which is a small wooded area. Such environments typically have the advantage of being awash with bushes where you can hide from people walking their dogs. Or, alternatively, not hide from people walking their dogs, depending on personal preference.

Necrophilia

This is when you have an intense attraction to your partner’s neck. Why not try pouring honey or syrup onto their neck, then intensely licking it up whilst making sexy snuffling noises like a pig hunting for truffles in the Italian foothills? If you want to try biting, be sure to avoid major arteries, lest you face criminal charges for murder and cannibalism.

Zoophilia

This term denotes a preference for roleplay scenarios where one or more of you pretends to be a zoo-keeper. Why not try out situations like ‘The zookeeper and the naughty nun’, or ‘The zookeeper and the naughty nurse’, or even ‘The zookeeper and the naughty zookeeper’?

And if those don’t work, then just go back to monotonously rutting in the same two or three positions for the sake of pretending that your relationship didn’t die long ago, feeling no semblance of passion or love for the person whose naughty bits are entangled with yours, just a deep, burning resentment; staring glassy-eyed at the ceiling/the pillow/the back of their head until the whole thing reaches its grotty conclusion, and then uncomfortably cuddling them afterwards, feeling the emptiness and loneliness scream inside you. Happy Valentine’s Day!