How to be a UCL Medical Student

Altay Shaw

So, you’re studying medicine at UCL. Now that your parents are bragging to your extended family that you are intellectually superior to everyone else, it is time to act like it. To help you get started, Altay Shaw, The Cheese Grater’s sole medic, has provided some of top tips for survival your time as a medical student at UCL: 

N.B. This piece also doubles up as an introduction to life as a medic for the intellectually inferior (i.e. humanities students)

  1. Accept you are here because Oxford or Cambridge rejected you.

It is about time you do so. The row of people you are sitting in probably has around 10 rejects from the interview process at either university. As such, constantly brag (to those not at UCL) that you are now at the 6th best Medical School in the world, but never answer the age-old question of which ones are above UCL.

  1. Join the RUMS version of anything. 

Interested in football? You have RUMS Football. Comedy? RUMS MD. Mental health? RUMS Welfare. Unfortunately for those of you who like to cope with the stress of the degree in an alternative fashion, RUMS doesn’t have a drinking society, only in an ideal world will RUMS Rums come to fruition.

Not joining a RUMS society means you can’t get your hands on that sweet, itchy, RUMS merch (which is far superior to the basic ‘Team UCL’ garms). Without a full RUMS tracksuit how else are you going to show the non-medical world that you are truly a medical student, and thus a superior specimen. On the topic of superiority, bonus points if you only turn up to RUMS stuff to grab merch and rag on the normal (inferior) UCL societies.

  1. Make your own Anki decks.

Are you really torturing yourself enough without making your own Anki decks? For those of you who do humanities, and thus have no impetus to study whatsoever, Anki is an online flashcard programme used (and abused) by medics and STEM students alike. Sure, the ones on Treasure Trove are fine and all, but, how are you going to complain to your non-medic friends about your workload unless you make them yourself? Falling behind on lectures is fine as long as you have the 100 cards on homeostasis nailed down. 

  1. Look up property prices in Melbourne.

You were probably thinking of going there anyway. No point in hiding it anymore, a lot of your colleagues are probably thinking about doing the same. Start perfecting the Aussie accent and calling all of your female colleagues Sheilas and asking them whether they are down for a barbie this avro. Also, whilst it may irk almost every moral fibre in your body, start drinking fosters (I’ve heard it helps with the accent). 

  1. Start a social media page.

Stress-out a whole new generation of medical school applicants by uploading your totally realistic, honest and truthful ‘day in your life’ to Tik Tok; a day which includes 25 lectures, 5 labs, a 10km run and a self-cooked michelin star breakfast all before noon (the time when humanities students usually wake up).