In the last year, prices of household goods have risen by 5.5% on average; the fastest rate in the last thirty years, creating huge difficulties for families across the country.

Sainsbury’s has upped its milk price, Aldi its fruits’, and most importantly, the Tesco meal deal is now £3.50.

Oh meal deal, who would have thought this day would come? You are the bedrock of  our nation, the one thing we all thought we could rely on, but you have now let us down. The world no longer feels safe. The ground is unstable beneath our very feet. What will be next? No pastry section in Lidl? A nightmarish thought to try to forget.

You, the Tesco meal deal, are crucial to the formation of both friends and enemies. While it is great to bond over the love of wraps, iced coffees, triple sandwiches and alike, you also allow us to see an individual’s true character, the real them. Is it morally right to be friends with someone that chooses the boiled egg mayonnaise box as their snack? No it is not. Run now.

You, the meal deal, bring all members of the community together. Tesco is the beating heart of society on a Monday lunchtime. Office workers, students, families and more all flock to your sacred space on Tottenham Court Road, where the hustle and bustle cannot be matched even by the swarms of Leicester Square tourists. Oh the drama that arises, oh the shenanigans that occur. The most difficult decision of the day must be made before the stocks deplete. It’s a challenge that only makes your end result all the tastier.

There is no greater high than a good meal deal bargain. No illicit substance matches the thrill that runs through you when you save £2.50 on a smoothie. You allow us to become an undercover thief that even security can’t catch. We look the guard in the eye, smirk, laugh sardonically, and wallow in our criminal success.

I terminate with a tone of melancholy. I’m sad. Distressed. As I’m sure you are too. The £3 meal deal represents the best parts of humanity: diversity, excitement, absolute stinginess. I reject the Clubcard deal adamantly, it is not right. It is disrespectful to the memory of you, the meal deal for all, the people’s lunch.

I salute you. We salute you. Adieu.

This piece appeared in CG Issue 82