Dear All, The UCL administrative service for ‘timetabling and dissemination of basic information’ has exceeded expectations this year, yet again! Students are now expected to register with our new online service, the ‘Alternative Bureau for Your Student Services’, or ‘ABYSS’. To add to UCL’s ‘Moodle’ and ‘Portico’, the new ‘ABYSS’ platform is expected to be a place where students can now voice their growing aggravations towards an already terrible and convoluted system. Robert Bodden, the coordinator for student ‘Timetable Worries and Torments’ platform, or ‘TWAT’, says ‘students are asked to gather up their grievances (wherever they may manifest) and throw them as hard as physically possible into the new ‘ABYSS’ system, where within 3-5 business years, someone should get around to emailing you back concerning the nature of the problems.’ Until the system comes into practice, students will be informed that the location of their lectures by the new smoke signalling system that will emanate from the Main Quad at EXACTLY 8.23am each morning. In an effort to streamline the link between both professors and students, UCL has decided to simplify the method as much as possible; lecturers are asked to bring their own firewood (if this isn’t possible, we ask lecturers to instead bring copies of their published works. Editions pre-1975 welcomed, hardbacks preferred.) Should students fail to make it to the smoke signalling extravaganza, they have kindly been asked by Mr Bodden to stop existing in objective reality altogether. Thank you.

This article appeared in CG Issue 63.