Progressive Policy Suggestions for Keir Starmer

Seth Harris and Nick Miao

People often say that Keir Starmer doesn’t believe in anything as if that’s a bad thing. What they don’t realise is that this means he will probably do anything if a private rightwing think tank tells him it’s a good idea. So, we at The Cheese Grater have started our very own rightwing think tank (The Pi Media Think Tank) and compiled a number of progressive policy suggestions for Sir Keir.

Economic Justice: Levelling Down the South

We argue that levelling down the South is far more economically viable for Britain. The Tories can dump a billion pounds in the North and Andy Burnham will just open another string of Greggs on their crusty high streets. Our analysis found that it is a lot cheaper to carpet bomb the Elizabeth Line than to extend HS2. And let’s be real for a second here: the South is overrated anyway – who the fuck likes Essex?

Climate Justice: Invest in Sustainable Energy to Tackle Illegal Immigration

Labour can solve the climate crisis and the small boats crisis at the same time whilst having a bit of fun. Introducing a new season of Total Wipeout, in which contestants on small boats must make their way through a hard border of offshore wind turbines (the turbines will be lowered for increased difficulty) across the English Channel. The winner of the series will be granted entry to the UK.

International Development: Lord Blair of Baghdad

Rishi Sunak has raised the stakes by bringing everyone’s favourite referendum addict back to frontline politics and Labour must rise to the challenge. When the Tories go low, we must go lower.  Who is more fitting to hold David Cameron to account on the UK’s reputation abroad at the dispatch box than the Destroyer of Iraq himself, Sir Tony Blair.

Cost-of-living: Bank of England to accept internal organs as legal tender

To solve the cost-of-living crisis without committing any more public spending, Labour should look at what kind of resources the people already have in abundance: internal organs. The Lord gave us two kidneys and regenerative livers for a purpose, and a fiscally responsible government must meet these demands by making the Bank of England accept internal organs as legal tender (England and Wales only. The Scottish can suffer for all we care until they stop electing the SNP).

Steal another Tory Party policy

The Tories might get shredded in the next general election, but that doesn’t mean their policies should go to waste. Keir Starmer has already stolen a great chunk of his policies from the Tories’ 2019 manifesto already, so the next logical step would be to go dumpster diving outside CCHQ to see what else he could find.