Labour’s New Leadership Hopefuls

It’s been a whirlwind couple of days for Greater Britain and there is one question on every pair of metropolitan political elite lips in the land: who will replace Jeremy Corbyn? Having suffered the greatest defeat since the 1930s, Corbyn has tendered his resignation, but who will replace him as the next Labour leader to ‘win the argument’? Here are some of our thoughts…

1. Lloyd Russell-Moyle

Brighton Kemptown’s bad boy, this bright young thing was once suspended from the House of Commons for seizing hold of the ceremonial mace. What makes him a strong contender, however, is his recent moves. Russell-Moyle’s hatred for the Tories  such that he has called, nay demanded, that we launch a second Dunkirk to thwart the tyranny of Johnson’s leadership. We couldn’t possibly demonstrate any sort of political bias, this is serious journalism after all, but let’s just say that we’ll have the Cheese Grater lilo in standby in case this sexpot of socialism needs us to do our patriotic duty.

2. Ramsay Macdonald

We’re not saying we believe it, but there have been whispers around the office of a few RM sightings in Westminster… Word has it that Labour’s great betrayer has risen from the dead with a view to buffing up his reputation to mount a credible challenge for the
Labour leadership. Already in the running for the next series of Strictly, RM just wants a chance to prove himself to the world because he has something to prove and he needs to prove what he has to prove.

3. Michael Arthur

We do not know who this man is.







4. The Aforementioned Ceremonial Mace

It may be an inanimate object, but this is only a plus. Political experts believe that something with no mental capacity, or emotional range at all, is more likely to rate highly in public opinion than any living politician. We here at CG are not the sort to discriminate against anything for the small matter of being insentient. You have our vote mace.