UCL’s Plan to Keep Our Tuition Fees, Exposé by Billy Fresher

Hola fellow youths. In all my years dropping in and out of first year at UCL, I’ve never really felt that tuition fees were worth it. I keep on paying though, because to be a fresher is to be a spring chicken oblivious of the upcoming trip to the battery farm, and money doesn’t really exist anyway.

During my latest stint as a hot-shot journalist, I discovered that UCL’s plan to make the £9,250+ value for money is called – and this is not a joke – “UCL More”, which revolves exclusively around using the main quad “more” over summer. I am partial to a community BBQ myself but they’ll need plenty of BBQs for the number of students this year, and I don’t think that level of heat anywhere close to Jeremy Bentham’s rotting head is a good idea. However, if I fail my exams and attribute some of the blame to a lack of library space, I don’t know how hard I’ll be willing to fight UCL and/or the Government for a tuition fee refund, and I could be easily won over by *checks notes* sitting on a patch of grass on Gower Street.

I will be holding new Provost Mikey personally accountable if I don’t get at least a couple of Urban Outfitters vouchers, which keep me looking fresh among Gen Z.