Hola fellow youths. In all my years dropping in and out of first year at UCL, I’ve never really felt that tuition fees were worth it. I keep on paying though, because to be a fresher is to be a spring chicken oblivious of the upcoming trip to the battery farm, and money doesn’t really exist anyway.

During my latest stint as a hot-shot journalist, I discovered that UCL’s plan to make the £9,250+ value for money is called – and this is not a joke – “UCL More”, which revolves exclusively around using the main quad “more” over summer. I am partial to a community BBQ myself but they’ll need plenty of BBQs for the number of students this year, and I don’t think that level of heat anywhere close to Jeremy Bentham’s rotting head is a good idea. However, if I fail my exams and attribute some of the blame to a lack of library space, I don’t know how hard I’ll be willing to fight UCL and/or the Government for a tuition fee refund, and I could be easily won over by *checks notes* sitting on a patch of grass on Gower Street.

I will be holding new Provost Mikey personally accountable if I don’t get at least a couple of Urban Outfitters vouchers, which keep me looking fresh among Gen Z.