Humour

Marian Jago So, it happened again. You started talking to someone you really liked and she seemed to really like you, so you foolishly allowed yourself to develop feelings for her.  Or maybe you just chatted her up at a bar before going dead-eyed and lunging. Either way, just when you thought your fairytale romance

Malvika Murkumbi A heart-wrenching tale of brotherhood, power, loyalty and redemption, this timeless piece of work has it all. Mike Mitchell’s classic Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011) weaves a tale many screenwriters of his time were simply too afraid to tell when they put pen to paper.  While some have disregarded the film’s true

Mayra Nassef When I think about the evolution of humanity in the 21st century, it can chronologically be categorised into two parts: before Cars (2006) and after Cars (2006). If you really think about it, the release of the first film in the Cars franchise on that fateful day in 2006 marked a cosmic shift

Izzie Moull UCL’s Cheese Grater Magazine has been given exclusive access to the latest Epstein court documents and can report one surprising name on the list; Climate Change. This name has come as a shock to many, however here at The Cheese Grater we have to ask: should we really be surprised? Although Climate Change

Rebekah Wright & Nick Miao Hello everyone, Investigations Editor Rebekah Wright, here. I just want to clear up a few things since I’ve recently been the victim of a number of unsubstantiated allegations against my professional integrity (I would know about that because I edit investigations and I am a very serious journalist).  I understand

Nick Miao The Cheese Grater writer responsible for our previous article titled Heartbreaking: The Voices In Your Head Just Made A Really Good Point would like to issue a statement, of his own volition and free will, to clarify that he is OK. The writer responsible thanks readers for their well-intentioned messages of concern but

Altay Shaw So, you’re studying medicine at UCL. Now that your parents are bragging to your extended family that you are intellectually superior to everyone else, it is time to act like it. To help you get started, Altay Shaw, The Cheese Grater’s sole medic, has provided some of top tips for survival your time

This article was named first runner-up for Best Creative Piece at the 2024 Students Publication Association Awards. Ben Scanlan Hello everyone, or should I say ‘Oi Oi guvnah!’, My name is Keith Starmer, I’m a normal, ordinary bloke (just like you!) who happens to be leader of the Labour Party. I’ve been having a bit

Malvika Murkumbi Dear Diary,This year’s crop moved in today! They’re all nervously smiling at each other and swapping Instagrams having the Hi-nice-to-meet-you-what-are-you-studying-oh-that’s-so-cool-where-are-you-from conversation, and they have that sparkle in their eyes that you only have when you can breathe through both of your nostrils. Enjoy it while it lasts, my babies. God, I’ve been waiting

Catrin Jones In the midst of OSCE* season, (and perhaps that was the reason) I slept to a dream of DKA**, Envisioning my heroic slay, Or the cool management of it anyway. I roamed the ward with a light step, Whilst groaning, dosed-up patients slept, Alone I skipped between blue sheets, Unconscious of their poppied

Euan Toh I (21M) am rebelling against my quasi-religious middle-class family by dating a girl who just so happens to be myopic (short-sighted). I first met Velma when she and the Mystery Inc. gang visited my university to investigate why the ghost of Jeremy Bentham kept appearing to frighten staff members into submission right before

Nick Miao In a heartbreaking series of events, the voices in your head have made a really good point, The Cheese Grater can report.The tragedy began when you decided that things were finally going well and that this was ‘going to work out perfectly’. Youclaimed that things had ‘never been better’. Sure, there’d been a

Izzie Moull Move in weekend here in London has clearly exacerbated the already delicate situation that Lidl experiences on a Sunday morning driving it to breaking point. Although Local communities had already urged their residents to avoid the area after days of increased pressure and tensions in the aisles many seemed to not take heed

Izzie Moull Dear Diary, I told you back in September that I was quite shocked that only 3 of the 5 of my flatmates had gone to private school. But daddy is always going on about how refreshing it is to live amongst those less fortunate than us and I thought I’d give it a

Lucy Reade 1. Only tell people four of the Universities you applied to on UCAS: During the conversational hell that is Freshers Week, one icebreaker you’re bound to hear is, “Which other universities did you apply to?”. It’s very important that you only mention four universities, and imply that UCL was your top choice. Because

Mathilde Turner For the first time in my rapidly lengthening life, a month and a half ago, I moved north of the river to Pimlico: London’s yummy mummy hotspot. To fit in with our pristinely coiffed, beige wearing neighbours, my flatmate and I decided to book a local yoga class. The alternative, purchasing a lacy

Seth Robinson Medicine: Exploring correlation between constellatory alignments and patient deaths in the ICU: Am I a psychopath or just a SUCH a Gemini?  Geography: Analysing competing claims for the effectiveness of climate justice – Why the Lorax could absolutely beat the shit out of Greta Thunberg.    Sociology: The ethics of cyber bullying: How death threats spare us from Furry nationalism.  PPE: Do poor people smell bad?

Izzie Moull Silent night, Holy night All is calm, all is bright Round yon builders, with hammers and drills Ceaseless Labour, work never stills, Study in endless droning Study in endless droning

Soyoon Koo Flat-hunting is a nightmarish ordeal for anybody with even a shred of sanity. We search, we scour, we scramble for our dream flat: a place habitable by human beings, with only a moderate amount of dignity sacrificed. You know how it is…for a place as close as possible to campus or [living priorities],

Joe Houghton & Co.  Picture this: you have accidentally wandered into the wrong lecture room and out of sheer pride you refuse to admit your mistake and decide to firm it. Or, you’ve found yourself in a far more common scenario, i.e. on a course where everyone seems leagues beyond you, as if they’ve all

Mathilde Turner Halloween: the one night a year when it’s acceptable, and even encouraged, to want to be someone else. This year, I planned to be a space cowboy. It seemed ideal: all the confidence of the patriarchy with none of the dull footwear! On the night, however, I couldn’t quite commit; no matter how

Izzie Moull OMFGG guys! She’s gone! I can’t believe she left so soon tho! Like I know Liz wasn’t the most popular but you could just see how much potential she had! I mean we all knew she could be no replacement for Boris but he had run his course. The bookies clearly favoured a

This article appeared in CG issue 83.

To: cheesegrater_editor@ucl.ac.uk From: daddysemail@ucl.ac.uk (date: 26/9/2022, time: 02:32am) Subject: Disgust, Disappointment and Departure  Dear Sir/Madam, I am writing in order to air my grievances with, and offer justification for my departure from, the Cheese Grater Magazine. Let me begin by recounting my first experience with the Society’s meagre facilities:  The so-called media office from which

I won’t be the first to say that Michael Cera is hugely underrated. It’s true that he has somewhat of a mini cult following in some circles of the interwebs, but I believe that he should be at the same heights as Marlon Brando and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Look, I get why Wattpad exists. It caters to a big audience. *imagine this narration in Vanessa Hudgens’ voice for the rest of the paragraph* I get it, I respect it. Even if no one wants to admit they used to read Wattpad, a lot of us did, which is terrible, but…inevitable? 

I could go on for days about how classic rainbow sprinkles are an insult to the senses, but I have taken some time off today to condense my thoughts.

You couldn’t have measured my delight when blonde brains, beauty and Love Island icon, not to mention ALLITERATIVE NAME LEGEND, Molly-Mae, revealed that she was a guest on the podcast series Diary of a CEO this week.

When I was all but a sperm cell in my father’s balls, I first eavesdropped on a conversation between my parents. I distinctly remember one of them saying: “I really love this butter on toast.” 

The Messenger group chats of my glorious first year have been ousted by WhatsApp, a platform somehow so popular that it is used by every age group, from hip young freshers to Tory MPs and even your great-uncle who despises every other form of social media.

‘I mean, I’m normally pretty healthy,’ she began. ‘I only smoke socially, that is, with friends on most weeknights, and I can’t even finish a whole packet of chocolate Digestives on my own.’

But last night, her surety became not-so-sure.

Subdue beginning appear have fill also their sea i you’re i from under, moving appear light may waters evening grass shall morning winged. First forth were itself given second kind creeping. All sixth give them from. Creepeth may likeness there. Years. Earth isn’t. Fly shall. Whales Them behold fruitful, bring living after open can’t have

You like attention, you CRAVE the attention from young and old, the locals and the newcomers. Okay, I bite. I googled you the other day. Articles upon articles. You even have your own Wikipedia page.

Out with the old, in with the new: a Gen Z-millennial hybrid brings you an unwanted perspective on several ‘classics’ written by – you guessed it – white men.

It is my sincere belief that everyone who actively enjoys a glass of milk has secretly replaced it with a plant-based variant. Or it’s been a lifelong prank. 

Lots to say on this one.

It was my first lecture back and I was so excited, until I felt a tickle in the back of my throat! Oh No! I thought to myself. Then out it came, a massive cough! I could feel all eyes turn to face me, even the lecturer stopped talking! EMBARRASSING!! But wait, what’s this? I

Monday 4th October 2021, c.10:45pm BST.  Hello and welcome to the totally real and not made up Cheese Grater Live News Report (otherwise known by our snappier name, C.G.L.N.R). The time is 46 minutes past the 22nd o’clock and we are reporting live from sketch in Mayfair, London. Unusually, this beautiful establishment is eerily empty,

In light of recent allegations that the Cheese Grater magazine panders to the SU agenda, we would like to confirm that this is undoubtedly, undeniably, and irrefutably true. The Cheese Grater magazine was founded in with the sole aim of pedalling the lines of SU executives and UCL Management, and not to cover how the

Want to work in finance but need to spruce up your CV? Ever heard the term ‘spring week’, given it a Google, and seen fireworks appear as you realised your dream role is in a large corporation just waiting to be bailed out in the next financial crash? Is the only thing you still need

Shall I compare thee to A Wednesday Eve For you smell of VK, and of Jager Rough times have meant that you now must leave But in Wicked Student Nights we will remember.   Sometimes too loud, Boom Boom Pow did play And often security doth screamed in my face By chance or nature, every

Teenager X, as written for an American high-school themed TV show by a fully grown adult (sample script) “HEY! You wanna go to a fucking party???” “I’m not very keen on parties. Besides, I have homework due tomorrow”, replies the one-dimensional protagonist who just moved schools. “Homework?”, *Teenager X* responds perplexedly. “I haven’t done any

Charles Smith – Bronze Duke of Edinburgh, BSC, MBA, OBE Failure is a part of life. I learnt this in my first year at university, when I was rejected from a spring week with Goldman Sachs. However, instead of seeing this as a setback, I decided to use it as an incredible opportunity to develop

‘If’ – by Rudyard Kipling Stanley Johnson If you can lose your head when all about you Are keeping theirs and not blaming you, If you will trust no one, except Cummings, And subjugate all who vote against you If you can hate and not tire of hating; Not lied about, yet the purveyor of

Writing is NOT that easy, but Grammarly can help. Grammarly’s CUTTING EDGE technology (that means technology that’s at a very advanced stage) helps you craft compelling, understandable writing that makes an IMPACT on your reader. In simpler terms, the reader will be left with a GOOD impression.     This sentence is grammatically correct, but

Hola fellow youths. In all my years dropping in and out of first year at UCL, I’ve never really felt that tuition fees were worth it. I keep on paying though, because to be a fresher is to be a spring chicken oblivious of the upcoming trip to the battery farm, and money doesn’t really

Dear Astrology Haters, How are you doing? There was recently a new moon in Pisces, which you were unaware of. Did you let go of what has not been serving you? Obviously not, because you still haven’t moved on from your ex (yes, the one that you texted during mercury retrograde). Notice how I know

The pandemic has affected everyone. The news is riddled with stories of people losing their jobs, their relatives and their homes… yet, no one ever speaks about the profound effect this pandemic has had on us: the British middle and upper classes. Due to Covid-19, we have had to endure the loss of multiple ski

1. Students are stupid and Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets (PGTAs) do everything we can to make you feel inferior to us. 2. PGTAs hold a secret meeting in Senate House before every term to decide on measures to destroy your confidence and self-worth. 3. We DO laugh at you behind your back. 4. We expect

Professor Smith’s new book on the consequences of an Oxbridge education is good, given her circumstances. It must have been tough coming from a London university, and she’s tried her best to provide a meaningful contribution to the field. For that, I commend her. It’s always good to bring diverse perspectives to sociology, even if

Previously unseen content from Milton’s ‘Paradise Lost’.

Please read this article if you DON’T want to hear about the pandemic.

I am. a literary. person.

1. Students are stupid and Postgraduate Teaching Assistant Secrets (PGTAs) do everything we can to make you feel inferior to us. 2. PGTAs hold a secret meeting in Senate House before every term to decide on measures to destroy your confidence and self-worth. 3. We DO laugh at you behind your back. 4. We expect

Amidst ongoing problems in the city’s transport network, worrying reports have emerged of multiple gates being broken at Aldgate tube station in the City of London. One elderly man stated that he was forced to jump over the gates with the help of strangers, after his ticket was repeatedly rejected. Others have been crawling under

Are you anxious about finishing student life in 2021? Well don’t be, UCL Careers have some much needed advice to help you get off your arse.

Though Olivia Rodrigo has famously acquired her Driver’s Licence, her former driving instructor has some concerns about her ability.

Matt Hancock has once again created a clear set of lockdown rules that have been accessible and easy for us to understand. Great Job Matt!

It’s about time Priti Patel worked in a job she’s good at, and what better than the infamous Child Snatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

If you’ve ever wondered how we create all these humorous articles, here’s our neatly organsied 25 stage guide to satire production.

Did you feel you missed out on the ‘freshers’s experience’? Don’t worry, Billy Fresher has the perfect guide for those living at home.

That One Annoying Guy at The Front of The Lecture Hall Is Struggling to Convey Just How Much He Knows Over Zoom

A recount of Covidian Freshers (by a Fresher) and why, ultimately, everyone else has missed out.

Our very own guide on how to speak like Emily from the critically renowned Netflix Show.

V-, L-, or U-shaped recovery? Economists run out of letters to describe their forecasts.

Want to improve your life, but only have a sheet of cling film? Don’t worry, Cheese Grater is here to give you a helping hand.

This pandemic edition issue brings to you some apt two metre comparisons to make sure you correctly practice social distancing.

Header image: https://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Successful-Lawyer

A trip to the House of Commons turns into an anachronistic journey to the Brexit Museum.

  Artist: Alice Fraser Edwards This appeared in CG Issue 71

Would you look at that? Our favourite time of the year has already been and gone! That’s right. The week-long period where for two short windows a day you must sprint through the sleet to search for an office to wait for an hour to be told that the class you wanted is full and

    Artist: Riddhi Kanetkar  

There was something odd about Netflix’s medievalist flick, The King – and I’m not talking about Timothée Chalamet’s English accent, because that was nothing short of iconic. I’m not even talking about Robert Pattinson’s French accent! (Which definitely was not iconic. Not even iconique). No, there was something slightly odd – dare I say, icky

  This appeared in CG 69

  This appeared in CG 69

The latter half of this decade has exposed some of the deep-rooted illnesses that New Labour laissez fester in our society; from increased inequality to rampant corruption, the deregulation of markets caused havoc that we still haven’t recovered from. To add to the mix, Big Tech is micro-banging its head into our privates. So, where

It’s been a whirlwind couple of days for Greater Britain and there is one question on every pair of metropolitan political elite lips in the land: who will replace Jeremy Corbyn? Having suffered the greatest defeat since the 1930s, Corbyn has tendered his resignation, but who will replace him as the next Labour leader to

This appeared in CG 69

Artist: Ella Schlesinger

Hey guys. Barbara Tresemmé’s the name, a failed career in public speaking’s the game. You might remember me from the riotously popular article ‘The Secret to Success’. Well, it’s been two years since then, and I still don’t have your bloody answer so stop bloody asking me, okay? What I do have is a sorry

This appeared in CG 66. 

Greetings and salutations, guys, girls and everything in between. For those who don’t know me, I’m the shrivelled up, bollocky-looking thing you pass in the cloisters. You may not think I see you, but I do, and boy do I have some opinions. I know my piercing blue eyes and Botticellian blonde locks may give

This appeared in CG 65. 

This appeared in CG 65.

This appeared in CG 65.

This article appeared in CG 65.

This appeared in CG 65. 

Students’ Union UCL has come under fire this week after reports of mistreatment from one of its recent guests. Gruffles, an emotional support Shih Tzu, visited the university campus as part of the annual mental health awareness week. He was shocked by his reception. ‘I was looking for somewhere to put my things and rehearse

This article appeared in CG 65.   

This article appeared in CG 65.

In the bleak midwinter The IOE made moan The building’s slowly crumbling Like an old grey stone Concrete is piling up Block on block In the bleak midwinter Built 40 years ago Brits and foreign students May have travelled there Depression and exhaustion Filled the air Luckily Kate Middleton In her royal bliss Blessed the

This article appeared in CG Issue 64.

This article appeared in CG Issue 64.

Darcy Bounsall This cartoon appeared in CG Issue 64.

This article appeared in CG Issue 64.

Were you fortunate enough to receive one of the #UCLCares keyrings in your fresher’s week? You’ll be thrilled to know that UCL is providing all first-year students with a set of handy ideas on how to look after their mental health at university. See – #UCL really does #care! 1) Sleep You might have experienced

Our Position on Brexit Our position on Brexit is perfectly clear: Labour is aware of Brexit.  We will negotiate with the national interest in mind and build a close new relationship with the EU, while staying far away from it, although not necessarily. Our aim is to do or not do so, while providing absolute

Jordan B Peterson’s overnight ascent from sexless provincial college professor to international cultural icon has taken the world by storm. His new book, Wash Your Penis, deals with a modicum of manly issues – ranging from lawn tennis to anal sex, and everything in between. The Cheese Grater caught up with Peterson on a relaxed

This appeared in CG Issue 63.

This article appeared in CG Issue 63.

Draft #64 I have just been to Buckingham Palace, where Her Majesty The Queen has asked me to form a new government, and I accepted. First of all, I would like to thank Theresa May, my Right Honourable friend, for her principled leadership, and for finally resigning. I never expected to become Prime Minister. Others

It’s Thursday afternoon and fresher Daniel Jones is on route to meeting UCL’s provost Michael Arthur for what could be a ground-breaking interview. Thanks to a promotion within the Cheese Grater hierarchy, the position as Wholesome News Correspondent has recently become vacant. Chances like this don’t come around often, and those with ambitions need to

TV Listings Wednesday 7 October UC(tel)L(y) Freeview: 007, Sky: 127, Virgin Media: 132, The Telescreen In Your UCL Room: 001 1800 NEWS AT SIX Current affairs show chronicling affairs that are currently happening. 1830 COME REHEAT WITH ME 5 strangers from UCL each host a dinner party, vying to win £30,000. Tonight it’s the turn