Humour

Hi there Fr-iend-esher! Have you got any questions about coming to ? Oh, hello. Yes, sorry, this is then? Yes! This is – welcome friend! No, sorry, not . ? Pardon? I’m looking for , as in – French-speaking Belgium’s largest University. Oh, this isn’t as in , French speaking Belgium’s largest University. This is

Hundreds of millions of students a day are using hard drugs in London alone. Every month, The Cheese Grater will be asking a figure in youth culture what their views are on the matter. In month one, Prime Minister Theresa May argues that something needs to be done about this unparalleled depravity, and shares a

Tara Sarangi and Colette Allen This was published in CG Issue 60.

Disgraced Internet star and future POTUS Logan Paul has returned to YouTube with a 7-minute confessional video, explaining that, from now on, he hopes “to make a difference in the world”. Paul, a 22-year-old waste of air whose channel boasts over 16 million followers, was suspended by YouTube after posting a video of himself in

Following SUUCL’s much maligned decision to cut all funding to The Cheese Grater this term, editors, contributors, readers and clairvoyants have condemned the move, claiming that it represents a grave threat to freedom of speech not just at UCL, but also in the wider western world. Responding to these developments, Larry Venal, current editor of

Not quite a “Crapet” but certainly quite crap in some respects I found this carpet quite sturdy and it almost fully supports me, but I’m still not entirely convinced. It says “flammable” on the tin, but I’m not really sure how to take advantage of this, and the instructions are quite unhelpful. Furthermore, the carpet

Venue: Digital Engagement in Archaeology: Strategies and Evaluation Methods Conference, South Cloisters Price: Free Set in UCL’s resplendent south cloisters, this conference promised much in the way of classical cuisine, writes A.A. Gill. Always generous with their platters, the Archaeology department really stepped up to the plate here, massively overestimating the number of attendees thus

The Cheese Grater is proud to reveal a few of the most tantalising titbits from PM Theresa May’s personal diary. These excerpts provide an invaluable window in to the mind of our beloved Prime Minister in the early stages of her time in office.  March 18th 2017 Brexit deal with the Donald trump went up in appeal,

The Cheese Grater held an exclusive interview with UCL provost Michael Arthur to put an end to the ceaseless debates and bitter arguments over the question on everyone’s lips: What is UCL’s favourite spoon? Michael J.P. Arthur: Well, UCL’s favourite spoon is a prestigious spoon. Our spoon of choice is the 7th best spoon in the

Ten minutes after I arrive at the hotel room I hear a knock at the door. “Come in.” Miliband walks through the door and sits across from me. “Hola, my friend.” He says, tilting his oversized sombrero at me. “So, Ed… Can I call you Ed?” “Call me whatever you like, amigo. Just don’t call

Interviewer: Mr Aull, thank you for coming in on such short notice. Replé: It is no problem. I have a dedicated laptop signed into UCL’s email system to monitor for such an event. I never dreamed I would see such beauty again. Replé sniffs and wipes his eyes. Interviewer: Quite. This explosive email chain appears

It fucking sucks, please help me. Just a few years ago, I was like you. Stuck in a dead-end fifty hour a week, £60K a year job, doing the 9-5 – running the rat race. Sure, I was doing ok. Sure, I enjoyed the odd night out drinking the beer and smoking the weed with

Every man dreams of being the best she’s ever had, and as it’s the season of giving, it’s time you got the inside scoop. We’ve scoured the internet, spoken to the experts and put the advice to the test to give you our favourite four secrets to become a master of seduction in and out

The architect Alfred Waterhouse is known for beautiful Gothic buildings; the Natural History Museum, Balliol College in Oxford, and our very own Cruciform Building, by far the prettiest bit of the UCL campus. Just look at that symmetry, those four perfect wings; the contrast of colours. Imagine this, looming over 1900s London; an epoch of

Professor Barbara Tresemmé is an internationally renowned expert in education, claiming diplomas from various universities. She has agreed to share with the students of this school her valuable advice on maximising ones potential when it comes to revision – something she dubs ‘examination magic.’ Hi guys. I’m not going to pretend that compressing the depth

The Cheese Grater can reveal that the termination of Uber’s operating licence in the capital will be repealed yet again as talks between the taxi hire company and Transport for London resume. Having already postponed the contract end-date, this extension to the extension of the pause in Uber’s suspension is suspected by commentators to be

“It all changed when I got back from the Christmas holidays” said Marcus Wilson. “People who would have previously nodded politely at my fictional boasts of sexual adventures and endless stories about other people now seem to find the most benign item fascinating whenever they are near me. The best I can hope for is a

Let’s be honest, it was only a matter of time. Now I know, I know: the old ‘which Usuli Twelver Ayatollah and district of Serbia is your university?’ joke is an old one. But we here at the Cheese Grater we thought we’d properly put it to bed! So crack open your Behesht-e Zahra, pour

One of UCL’s cleaners (not underpaid or undervalued by UCL or students at all!) shares their experience… When you get to my age, you really learn to hate the young. You know the types – the ‘Ya, ya, yaa’ Quentins, the ‘bro, bro brooo’ Jakes. I’ve cleaned up all their sick – from their chunder

Roused into action by being placed 120th in the country for student satisfaction, UCL has thrown its black heart and soul into cheering up its disaffected yoof. One favourite scheme is the much-loved delayed exam timetable release. Every year, UCL thoughtfully reduces the time during which students feel exam stress by simply not telling them

You’d think that categorising students by their subject would be an obvious attempt to rely on tired old tropes in a desperate plea to get people to click on this article. You’d be wrong. It’s actually as easy to categorise students by their subjects as it is to determine their sexuality from their hair colour.

This year, prepare yourselves for the film so English it’s probably racist: Love Actually 2. Richard Curtis’ beloved romcom returns with a sobering reminder of the inevitable impacts of ageing, as Hugh Grant emerges from his bachelor cave looking like an expensive vase that’s been dropped and PVA glued back together. Finally, you can have

Mexican Mondays/ Meat-Free Mondays Mix-Up The Cheese Grater can reveal shocking developments surrounding the death of UCL student, Carlos Gonzalez. Mr Gonzalez, a first-year student History student was found bloodied and half-eaten in the Print Room dropbox containing copies of The Cheese Grater magazine. “It’s lucky we ever found his body at all,” said lead

The former man visited Eton College on the last day of term. “Thank you, thank you. It seems like only yesterday I myself was leaving this fine school, ready to be thrust out into that wide, wide world. I am glad to say Eton College gave me the best education a boy could ask for.

Claire Voyant takes a look at Roy O’Sullivan’s playful predictions of yesteryear. One hundred years ago this month, The Cheese Grater published a column by journalist Roy O’Sullivan entitled ‘The World of Tomorrow: Twenty Predictions for the Year 2017’. In this very special issue, we take a look at some of those predictions in light

Magick Spelles for Everyday Life: Spelle Foure – Protecting Yowre Lockere Of alle the mystick artes, it is the Charmes of Protection that requyre the moste commitment. To simplie want to protecte youre locker is notte enough: yow muste neede to protecte it. I cannotte advise that this charme is attempted by fledgling MAGICKMAKERS. Onlie

My favourite jams – by Jeremy Corbyn Hello everybody. If there’s one thing we can agree on it is that 2016 was a wonderful year for jam. I personally succeeded in making 12 jams, and if you can email me pictures of the jam you made that would be great. Here is a list of

President Donald Trump’s latest executive order has declared February 14th as National Patriotic 10s Day. “To make America great again, America must celebrate the best of what makes America great: 10s; beautiful women. Tremendous,” the written order states. The executive order will “revitalise the American economy” by decreasing seasonal imports on foreign Chinese goods, such

Speech borrows heavily from former Iraqi President, critics claim President Donald Trump has been caught red-handed in his inauguration speech. The 16-minute address, delivered to a crowd of, quite literally, some people on the 20th January, appears to have lifted a number of lines verbatim from Saddam Hussein’s 2003 speech to the Kuwaiti people. Speaking

Now that that whole “election” thing is over, former businessman Donald Trump can relax and enjoy his favourite past-time: writing poetry. When I see you, I see half of me And I’m attracted to that one half, my half. Okay, so I only want to date half of you, But I would date no halves

When local man Nick Fields was pranked on Saturday, his reaction was just utterly priceless. Paul O’Hara, the prankster in question, did not expect such a priceless reaction. “When I pranked him, I just didn’t expect him to react in that way. Utterly priceless!” Even Fields himself wasn’t sure what was to ensue: “I think

Always at the vanguard of the London culture scene, UCLU’s arts journal “SAVAGE” presents an exclusive interview with dancing sensation Ed Balls. I arrive at Former Chancellor Ed Balls’ dressing room in the gilded halls of the BBC, my heart racing with giddy delight. Could it be true that I, William, a mere reporter for

 A Cheese Grater Investigations Exclusive The Prime Minister has unveiled a pilot scheme that will require all newborn babies to carry a British passport for inspection upon exit from the womb. The plan is part of the government’s recent efforts to crack down on the so-called ‘maternity tourism’ that has seen foreign newborns taking lavish

I stand outside the Lapland Embassy on Belgravia’s Chesham Place, shivering culturally in my D&G brogues. A homeless man approaches me for some change. I kneel, and pass him a copy of the latest SAVAGE. “Here,” I gently fold his hands over the glossy cover. “Turn to page 24 for a biting review of Ken

For all my 21 years, the esteemed St. Nicholas has managed to find the time, energy, and gymnastic prowess to fit his portly stature through my chimney every Christmas Eve. Or has he? I swallowed the establishment’s lies about this illogical fantasy for years, but now that I’ve reached 21, I’m calling their bluff: there

Everything Pi Mag’s patriarchal history of the spud didn’t tell you. Is there a more radical food than the potato? I would argue no. Most people don’t know about the secret role of the humble potato in the women’s movement. From the underwhelming beginnings of looking a bit like a boob, the potato became the

Chorles Higson meets the UK’s most depraved food critic When I first see d’Urquhart, he is squatting outside the Tesco on Goodge Street, devouring a bag of various pastries from Gregg’s. He appears to have mushed the mix of Steak Bakes, Cornish Pasties, and Sausage & Egg Melts into one sloppy mess, and is shoveling

Some STEAMY tips to spice up your love life! With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, those lucky enough to have the love-bug steadfastly chewing on their brains will be worrying about how to make the most of the yearly obligation day. Flowers and chocolates are all very well, but why not spice things up in the