Welcome back, my dear gossip guzzlers. I know you’ve missed me, but I certainly haven’t missed you. It’s been a long summer and there’s plenty to discuss with all 50,000+ of you. Fifty. Thousand. Plus. There’s enough of you to fill the town of Dover and go spilling into the sea. As a result, UCL is positively heaving.
This is immediately apparent close to home, at Bitch HQ (more widely known as the student media office). Officially known as the Dame Kathleen Kenyon Meeting Room, this media suite is supposedly a shared office for all student media societies. Since its opening, Pi has attempted to claim ownership – unilaterally branding the space as the ‘Pi Media Office’. Unfortunately, several student journalists have been lost to the depths of the Lewis building trying to find this non-existent room. Inside, one wall has been plastered with old issues of the Pi newspaper – a fond remembrance of a time when they lacked any competition. It’s unclear who the target audience of this display is, presumably it could only be for the late Dame Kenyon herself; an archaeologist known for excavating fossils.
Regrettably, the race for space continues over at Bloomsbury Fitness. Word reaches me that Cheer and Parkour Club have been engaged in a blood feud over the much coveted Mandela Studio – the largest and best-equipped room on the fitness floor. The alternative is the multi-purpose room. With the name of a storage cupboard and maximum capacity to match, the prospect of condemning any soc to enter its dingy doors is bleak. I may be a bitch, but I believe in free-range. Goodness knows we lose enough brain cells to scrums and Scala – no need to start knocking heads on campus.
Even amidst the filth of UCLove, the need for space is palpable. Which is concerning considering that the majority of its users have never touched a woman. During exam season a student managed to make their mark on this institution by leaving ‘fucking shoe prints on the toilet seats’. Whilst I’m impressed at the flexibility and audacity required to occupy 2 toilets at once, I do not want any part in encouraging… that.
With all these spatial setbacks, I am relieved to congratulate one soc on clearing some space in their ranks. The UCL Socialist Feminists have severed ties with the ISA, an organisation which had some sorely slimy senior members. Shockingly, covering corruption with corruption doesn’t stick and the ISA is now in shambles. Best of luck to the socialist feminists, although they’re off to a good start; if other socs bothered to weed out their most miserable members, I’d be out of a job.
That’s all the gossip that blossomed over this break. This Soc Bitch is keeping a close eye on the human cement mixer recognised as Freshers Week. It would be overly optimistic to expect our scheming socs to behave this year, so I’m sure you won’t have to wait too long for more piping-hot tea and tidbits.
Good luck to all, you’ll be needing it.
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