I’m not sure what grinds my gears more: the callousness of holding a series of parties in Downing Street during lockdown and laughing about it, or the fact I wasn’t invited. Cheese, wine, and quizzes can only get you so far, and my wit and general allure are unparalleled. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for a number of individuals in UCL societies. So whack on your sexy Santa hat, snuggle up to the warmth of EFS in flames, and immerse yourself in some festive goss.

Scala is the new home of UCL’s sports night following the Girls Night In campaign, so Soc Bitch was delighted to learn that its first night on the 18th of November was fun and games for all involved…never mind, here comes a member of UCL Men’s Hockey, who has been suspended pending investigation following reports of sexual assault. Soc Bitch has half a mind to knee him in the face without a gum shield, but the weight of his entitlement could cause serious injuries. Really, why fix the sexual harassment problem at its root when you can just move venues?

If the key to theatre is conflict, then Drama Soc have achieved a clean sweep at the Oscars with the latest Drama drama. The director of Machinal, their term one Bloomsbury show, was told to step down following a hearing with the Society’s top dogs and the Union. Allegedly, he was not only only incompetent, but made cast members feel so uncomfortable that they were poised to drop out. When the shows were eventually performed, he stood on his chair, faced the audience, and took a bow before thanking them for their kind comments on a show he hadn’t directed – every night. In his defence, he evidently had the wild imagination necessary for the theatrical world.

There’s no place like home and boy do I feel at home reporting on EFS. I’d like to wholeheartedly thank the former president for messaging everyone on CG committee (past and present) to inform them that my article stating that the Union voted to uphold every allegation against them wasn’t true “because it’s not official yet”. Unfortunately, he hasn’t got in touch since he lost his appeal. While hosting initiations, conducting inappropriate interviews, and withholding information about a dodgy event may give you a lifetime ban from holding any UCL committee position ever, Soc Bitch knows his job at JP Morgan or whatever is still safe and sound. But if he fancies a career change, I hear Prime Ministers tend to have a penchant for aresholery too. Merry Christmas to all, but especially to you Mr Ex-President. Now if you’ll excuse me, I shall depart to drown myself in mulled wine.