The infamous Jeremy Bentham auto-icon went missing from his glass box on Friday 17 October at 3:33 AM.
Security cameras from the scene provide no evidence of the auto-icon’s disappearance with their seemingly being no suspects at all.
“It was so weird. One moment, I saw Jeremy Bentham, sitting in his little glass box, the next, he’s just gone!” an anonymous source told The Cheese Grater.
Michael Spence, the spokesperson for the Jeremy Bentham Brotherly League (Jeremy’s BBL) reported concern about the disappearance of the beloved auto-icon stating that “he has a history of scaring the freshers whenever he gets out of his box” and that “he especially likes the students in Ramsey Hall, placing mould on the walls and inviting random KCL students in for shits and giggles.”
In another statement, Spence reported that, “whenever Jeremy is loose, he follows freshers to their lectures, whispering about utilitarianism in their ears. He’s known to be a potential vessel for malice at UCL and, right now, we’re concerned about our students’ abilities to compose themselves and disagree well with Bentham whenever he badgers them.”
“And what about the mental health of the students that are haunted by Bentham?” asked a Cheese Grater journalist.
“What is a ‘mental health’?”
Already, there are reports from students in both Ramsay Hall and International Hall complaining about a “weird British ghost” following them around the halls “asking where [his] head went.”
Some students reported hearing “a giant bear asking for his daddy” and someone mumbling that “there aren’t enough wokies at UCL” while they were trying to sleep.
Since his fateful escape from the glass box, efforts to track Bentham down have been futile. The question remains, who let Jeremy Bentham out of his box?
The King’s College London Students’ Union declined to comment on the matter.
Oddly enough, the president of the KCL Students’ Union was spotted suspiciously shoving a key under the rug when we went to ask, twitchy and red in the face. Must’ve been the literal carpet bomb we left there last week.
On an unrelated note, two days after the Bentham escape, the Louvre museum in Paris, France saw an unprecedented heist of eight priceless jewel pieces in broad daylight.
The incident, which seemed like a plotline to an Ocean’s 11 movie, greatly confuddled the art world. Efforts are currently being made to retrieve the pieces, though many believe that they are long gone.
Interestingly enough, the last time Jeremy Bentham was let out of his box 13 pieces from the Isabella Gardner Museum went missing shortly after his escape. Totally unrelated, I’m sure, but interesting…
