Every student is, of course, well aware of UCL200, the massive era-defining festival to celebrate the 200th anniversary of UCL (one would assume).
So far, funds for non-essential developments such as new lockers in the Student Centre and repairs to the Portico have been diverted to the massive, Scrooge McDuck-esque pool of money that presumably lies somewhere on campus.
However, in a recent Students’ Union meeting, it was discovered that UCL has made a series of clandestine, Faustian deals with Beelzibub, Lord of Flies in order to get UCL200 off the ground.
The procurement of “banners, streamers and other assorted party goodies” would apparently break the bank, claimed Union reps, so the options were either cease giving millions to Israel or make a deal with the Fallen Son of God. Of course, they chose the most obvious option.
Union reps ventured down into Pandemonium (the dread capital of Hell) on Tuesday in order to sign the infernal contract. Notably, this was done on Union money, raising questions about unnecessary spending.
Reps justified the expense by saying they had a number of enlightening conversations with Jeremy Bentham about how to change campus for the better. When asked about how to make the syllabus more inclusive to differently-abled students, Bentham responded: “they’re letting them learn now?”
The deal, apparently co-signed by Margaret Thatcher, grants UCL200 “some very dashing posters” in exchange for 40% of the student body’s mortal souls. The Students’ Union heralded this as a “damn good deal” that will make UCL200 “just that little bit better”.
Unfortunately, the necessary sacrifice is that all students will be forced to sign up for mandatory soul-checking to determine who has the most “worthy” souls to maximise the deal’s value.
These small stalls will be manned by Heralds of the Damned, and the student body is advised not to stare directly into the void, lest the void stares back.
The students with the most valuable souls (so no anime fans or Reform UK voters) will have theirs extracted and delivered directly to His Most Evilness. The same students will receive one (1) voucher for a free drink in exchange, valid for the first 10 minutes of UCL200.