The Cheese Grater, thanks to a whistleblower, can exclusively reveal that the long-anticipated UCL200, which has been a feature on everyone’s calendars for years, only serves to keep the focus of students away from the Epstein files.
A series of emails was anonymously sent via letter to the listed home addresses of several Cheese Grater writers, but they were only discovered when the mother of a respected editor slipped them into his packed lunch (two cigarettes and a can of Madri).
The emails seem to be a communication between an unknown third party and a shadowy cabal of elites who secretly control most aspects of UCL life.
According to the discusions, ever y single aspect of UCL200 has be en meticulously planned to prevent the general student body from uncovering a catastrophic amount of sensitive information that would surely bring the University to its knees.
This includes the long-awaited UCL200 merchandise, which is allegedly being used to smuggle illegal narcotics across international borders.
The sheer number of unsold products apparently make the perfect cover, as even border control wants nothing to do w ith them.
The greatest revelation, though, is the discovery that the festival itself is being used to draw attention away from the release of the Epstein files.
UCL200 just so happens to fall on the exact date that a massive amount of information, including the full names of several previously unknown clients , is supposed to be released to the public.
In fact, many of the planned e vents deliberately take place at in convenient times in order to align with the US time zones.
The email discussion seems to allege that hidden messages will be included throughout the festival so that members of this shadow government can communicate with each other.
These include re versed speech in certain performances, as well as subliminal messages implemented v ia the new logo, which is said to induce mania in untrained minds.
There were several references to recent documents released by the Department of Justice, which were unredacte d by The Cheese Grater using a complicated technique involving copying the text and pasting it into the “Notes” app.
In these, investigators discovered explicit discussions about UCL200, which seems to suggest that the e vent was originally planned to take place at Little St. James - colloquially referred to as “Epstein Island.”
The original lineup included performances from Sean “P. Diddy ” Combs.
What the emails do not say, howe ver, is exactly why this organisation is so determined to prevent students from reading the files.
Any student caught discussing the release of the documents will be given “ VIP tickets” to a “free-thinker ’s meeting”, held suspiciously close to HM P Wandswor th. The revelation does explain the mysterious £250,000 that has been listed as a “Bribe Budget” in UCL200’s financial statements.
When approached for comment, a committee member of UCL200 stated: “ Jeff Epstein? The New York financier?”, before plugging their ears and walking away, humming.
Following the discovery, pop artist and UCL alumna Charli xcx has cancelled her live performance at the event.