This Halloween, Soc Bitch has never been more spooked than by the Grinch Boris who wants to steal Christmas with another confusing lockdown. Thankfully we’ve been too buzzed on homemade cosmopolitans for that to matter. So to clarify for Bojo, here are Soc Bitch’s lockdown rules: it’s fine to ask that guy you talk to on Tinder to be ‘a part of your bubble’ – no you can’t sneak the last can of chickpeas in Morrison’s out of the trolley of a starving old man – yes you can take up creative hobbies like poetry – no you can’t expect your social media following to enjoy your clichéd drivel. Wow, it isn’t hard to be concise – maybe SB should run for PM?

The EFS had a breaking announcement for the LGBTQ community last month: apparently you’re gay if you don’t want to go to Camden Maccie’s at 5am. And apparently, it’s vice-presidential to call freshers ‘soft cunts’ in a WhatsApp group chat. Following the VP’s WhatsApp announcement, uproar from EFS new members has led to his resignation. The EFS released a statement condemning his behaviour, for ambition needs direction and that direction is a sharp U turn. And the EFS, an allegedly ‘prestigious’ society, has been riddled with corruption this term. Soc Bitch can reveal a certain someone was removed from the committee who just so happened to be one of the very few people to know about the top-secret relationship between the president and one of the vices. And of course the committee had no say in this decision – what do they know? They had a VP who texted a bunch of 18-year olds that they were ‘gay’ at 2am because they wouldn’t share his sad drooping fries with him. Can 2020 just be over, please?