Well, well, well. Colour me unimpressed. For the first time in what must be a record-breaking stretch, campus life has been… calm? Peaceful? Dare I say… productive? Ugh. You lot really let exams get in the way of entertaining me. Where’s your sense of priorities?
Even my usual favourites have gone mute. The Economics and Finance Society — yes, them — have been quieter than the IOE Library, which is technically open but emotionally unavailable. For people who think ‘networking’ is a personality trait, this disappearance feels borderline supernatural. Have they all sold their souls to PwC already?
And what’s this? Sports clubs behaving? No broken noses, broken toilets, or broken sexual harassment policies to report? Either the group chats have become encrypted beyond my reach, or you’ve all taken up knitting and yoga in the lead up to awards season. Honestly, tragic.
But it’s not all doom and decorum. A round of applause (or perhaps a reluctant slow clap) for the following societies who narrowly escaped becoming another tragic footnote in the Union’s disaffiliation spreadsheet: Pi Media, Pole Fitness, Musical Theatre, Skate Club, Anime Society, and the chronically unserious Comedy Club. After a leadership race so vacant even Union accountability did a double-take, they’ve finally managed to elect a president and a treasurer. Groundbreaking.
Meanwhile, the next year’s Bloomsbury Show bids have wrapped, and let’s just say the vibes were more “half-empty lecture theatre” than “West End ambition.” The Union was reportedly expecting a full-to-bursting inbox and got the digital equivalent of tumbleweed. Particularly conspicuous by their absence? ACS and CSSA — who failed to stage Panafrik and A Doll’s House earlier this year. After all the artsUCL talk about pushing boundaries, the real breakthrough was learning how to stage a no-show.
Anyway, summer is here, and with it goes your last chance to give me fresh material before I roast the next lot. Don’t let me down next year, returners — I demand chaos, backstabbing, and the glorious disaffiliation of at least one society. Aim higher.
This article appeared in CG92
