![The NSS war room. Graphic by Kotryna Taujanskaite [Graphics Editor].](https://images.cheesegratermagazine.org/article_images/2026-06-14-sas-tries-to-rescue-granny-from-student-national-survey-hostage-situation/main_image.webp)
The SAS was called out to North Yorkshire today as reports rolled in of the National Student Survey student engagement team taking a 95-year-old woman hostage.
They were called to the property “God’s Waiting Room Care Home” at approximately 9:45 am, with local units having already cordoned off the scene.
Demands from the hostage takers were simple: “Get your grandson to fill in the National Student Survey, or you die”.
When approached for comment a representative from the NSS stated: “This was not the first time we have tried to reach this student in question.
"Our engagement team had tried all other methods to get the student to fill out the blasted questionnaire: ringing him, his mother, and lynching his cat and spreading its entrails in a threatening NSS shape.
“Sadly, we felt this was the only way to attract the student’s attention away from the trite, totally unconsequential, and un-stressful nonsense that normally fills a final year undergraduate students’ term three.”
The stand off itself lasted five hours and was broken by gunfire and walking sticks led by the SAS counterterrorism team.
Whilst Students’ Union UCL have their own crack team of anti-terrorist trained personnel led by captain and Welfare sabb Hana Mougharbel, they were conspicuously absent from the proceedings.
When The Cheese Grater approached Mougharbel for comment she stated: “Whilst I naturally GAF about the welfare of all SU members, this does not extend to their relatives.
“Had the student in question filed the appropriate forms and submitted them for review by the trustee panel with at least ten working days notice between the filing and the event itself, or had granny been a member of the SU we naturally would have wasted only a little time debating before taking action.
“That action being, of course, a significantly diluted version of the initial proposed response that really benefits no one and only serves as lip service to the actual issue whilst building frustration within the student community.”
Grandma Doris unfortunately passed away instantly from shock upon seeing the armed response unit. The SU have promised a full review of the event.
When asked for comment the student in question stated, “what the bloody hell do I care about some stupid survey? They asked me to do it so much it became a point of principle not doing it!
“Of course, I am sad, though, about granny. Though the massive inheritance she left us does help to ease that sadness, it at least means I can do a toast to her the way she would have wanted. In the Huntley. With a jug of Carling. Wearing a nappy.”
This article appeared in CG98.