Times are tough. The cost of living crisis forces thousands into poverty yearly, and students are some of the hardest hit. But worry not! There’s a sure-fire way to ensure you can keep yourself afloat in these difficult summer months.
Loads of famous people have already taken the brave and powerful leap into the world of ‘right-wing grifting’ — the art of “speaking truth to power” and “saying the quiet part out loud”.
If you think Ricky Gervais, Graham Linehan, or J.K. Rowling are brilliant role models, then read on, as I give you the exact formula to become just like your heroes.
Step 1 - Lose your job
If you’ve got stable, gainful employment, stop here. Grifting should only be used as a last resort: when the woke mob have nuked your career for absolutely no reason at all!
But if you have your heart set on that Truth Social dolla-dolla, here are some surefire ways to get to the same status as the titans of the grifting industry:
Have multiple sexual assault allegations (Russell Brand)
Have multiple sexual assault allegations (Andrew Tate)
Get dumped by Billie fucking Piper and never recover (Laurence Fox)
Have multiple sexual assault allegations (Tucker Carlson)
That’s at least four completely different paths!
Step 2 - Lose your friends
You need to reach the heights of grifting before you can start thinking about making paper. To do that, your private life has to be infallible. Your target audience will drop you in a heartbeat if they find out you’ve been consorting with the enemy!
Before you move any further, make sure you cut off all of the following:
Immigrants
LGBTQ+ people
Independent-minded women
Trans people
Anyone who might have eaten kale
Muslims
Jewish people
Sikhs
Actually, pretty much every religion other than Christianity
Even then, half of Christians (they just don’t get it)
The Irish
By now you’re thinking: “But Seth! That’s most of the population!”.
And yes it is! That’s okay though, you have new friends now.
Step 3 - Buzzword, buzzword, buzzword!
With a clean list of X followers (never call it ‘Twitter’), you need to start making some connections. Luckily for you, your audience will blindly like every post that contains a few select phrases, meaning all you have to do is pick the right ones!
Editor’s note: @grok is this true?
Make sure you check your soon-to-be regular stomping grounds, 4chan and Truth Social. Those guys, like, really get it, man. They’ve already done all the hard work, so all you need to do is copy and paste.
The vast majority of right-wing talking points are exactly the same.
Defend those elite pedophiles with your life, call for violence against your fellow man, and top it all off with a couple of “free speech-s” here and some “censorship-s” there.
After all, if anyone tries to tell you that you’re factually wrong, all you need to do is accuse them of stripping away your rights! (Ignore the fact that you’re actively trying to do that yourself. It’s completely different when you do it. I promise.)
Step 4 - Into the spotlight
You’re so good at this! But unfortunately for you, so are thousands of other NEETs who want to claw their way to the top.
As soon as you get a couple hundred followers on X, it’s time to punch, kick, and shove your butt in front of some cameras.
You’ve built your brand on stealing talking points and spouting vitriol, so don’t stop now! Every new right-wing idea has already been said by a hundred other guys — so you need to say it louder and angrier.
GET ON A PODCAST. It’s for sure the easiest way. There’s millions of them, and you’ll never have to ‘debate’ someone with actual evidence, because their audiences all think exactly like you.
Remember: this is free speech. You can say whatever you want, to whoever you want, and there should be absolutely no consequences. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is a commie bastard who wants to trans your kids and destroy your culture.
Step 5 - Building your army
Wuh oh.
If you’ve reached this point, it’s very likely you’ve encountered your first proper setback.
Maybe an actual journalist interviewed you instead of another grifter? Or you got banned from TikTok for saying racial slurs? Perhaps the woke mob made your loved ones leave you?
It’s okay — this is a vital step in every grifter’s career. And thankfully, the solution is simple: double down.
Burn every bridge you had with anyone outside of your hate bubble - after all, these guys won’t criticise you.
You now have the perfect defence — a horde of 14-year-old boys and 70-year-old men who will generate any excuse possible to keep things from being your fault.
That journalist? Woke!
TikTok? Chinese!
Your ex-wife? Woman!
It really is that easy.
Step 6 - Relax(?)
You’ve done it. You’re at the top. Millions and millions of loyal followers willing to throw themselves in front of cannon-fire for you.
You’re lonely, sure — cutting off most of your loved ones will do that to you — but who cares? The most important thing in life is money, and you’ve made plenty.
So stop looking at yourself so hard in the mirror, stock up on that insomnia medication and choose the group of people you’re going to call sub-human today.
Because if you don’t get more and more extreme - they’ll replace you with someone who will.