10am
It’s time for my morning briefing with the sabb team, the rest of them are at work but I’ve decided to treat myself by being a lazy bastard and staying in bed. The job description didn’t specify that remote working wasn’t allowed anyway. Fucking idiots #LOOPHOLE. While the business for the day is discussed I nod along while munching on my Shreddies. I fucking love Shreddies. I don’t listen to a single word that is said in the meeting, because I know that absolutely nothing I will say will contribute meaningfully to the conversation. Bosh.
11am
Sabb briefing over. I decide to take a power nap, all that important sabb business is really draining, and I have to prioritise my mental health. Famously, UCL really cares about the mental health of its students and staff, and as an elected official I really need to respect this.
1pm
FUCKKK my power nap ended up lasting two hours and now I’m running into work to show my face. I get into work and head straight to Gordon’s Café for lunch. I spend £12 on a cardboard wrap and think about how I pledged to reduce food costs across the university. But... Oh well! 33k, am I right?
2pm
I attended a student fair on campus, the Union comms people made me take a few photos. It’s soooo draining acting like I wanted to be there. A student offered me some free food, I took one bite of it and spat it in their face. Fucking vile.
3pm
I had one singular meeting with the Union People manager - they were having a go at me for not putting in enough ‘effort’ — how dare they! Do they not realise how hard it is to show face at student events? How much effort it takes to smile for photos and make Instagram reels? Genuinely FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!!!!
4pm
I doomscroll in the office for a bit... needed another mental health break after the people manager went off one. All the other sabbs were giving me dirty looks — they need to get off their high horses and realise we don’t actually have any power. At least I’m self-aware.
5pm
I’m clocking out — time to go for a well deserved ‘mental health break’ at the Huntley. Reward myself with a pint. There was a queue in the bar so I went behind the counter and helped myself. When one of the bar staff tried to stop me I threatened them with the sack. I am their boss after all. Also stole a packet of crisps. What are they gonna do about it?
6pm
I received an email from those pesky pricks at The Cheese Grater, they told me they’re running a story about how I do nothing. HOW FUCKING DARE THEY? Those cheesy bastards just love to twist my words and make me look like a VILLAIN. It’s not my fault they’re all unemployed with nothing better to do.
10pm
Get home absolutely smashed. Order a McDonald’s but fall asleep before it arrives.
Midnight
Find my scran on the door step, absolutely freezing cold. So naturally I sent a complaint to Deliveroo and got the driver fired. Fucking deserved. Had a horrible day, probs gonna sleep for 12 hours and then call in sick tomorrow. Lol.