Caught amongst the festivities of February’s riveting UCL200 lightshow and the re-opening of UCL’s only moderately visually appealing main building, many students may have missed the UCL Council's announcement about a plan to gently increase the size of next year’s incoming undergraduate cohort by about 1600%.
Announcing this decision, the University's long-time head of admissions Dr U. Genics declared:
“The one constant piece of feedback we have received from students is that the University is not busy enough. Over the last week alone we experienced a variety of shocking revelations, including one student claiming that they had found more than two empty seats in the Student Centre on a weekday afternoon, and another confessing that they were able to walk up the stairs of the Wilkins Building without being shoulder-barged into oblivion. These incidences are wrongs that must be immediately addressed, and hopefully, with this measure, we will be able to ensure the student discomfort that this board has long been committed to’’.
To facilitate this move, the Council have also planned to tweak the entrance requirements for applicants, particularly for international students.
The average requirement is set to shift from around a 35 IB score or 3.5 GPA to a new prerequisite that Dr Genics summarised as: "Are you willing to give us £100,000 a year?"
The courses that will see the biggest increase in their enrollment include BA Spanish and Management Studies, BA Italian and Management Studies, BA Albanian and Management Studies, and Geography.
When asked by part-time publication and full-time UCL propagandist formally known as Pi Media about how the University plans to accommodate all the newly incoming students, deputy head of admissions Ed U. Rome added that the University plans to purchase the entirety of Eaglestone, a neighbourhood in Milton Keynes, located a mere two-hour and ten-minute drive away from Bloomsbury and renowned for its two Tesco Expresses and variety of anti-homeless park benches.
This new hall will contain single bedrooms with shared facilities. Residents will be greeted by an exclusive 6-pack of UCL200 pale ale.
The buildings will employ IDF soldiers to provide 24/7 on-site security, and feature the debut of an innovative and fully self sufficient organic waste based heating system. Prices for these rooms will start at £399.99 a week.