Much to the shock of various on- lookers, a dishevelled young woman was seen digging up nuts in Gordon Square last weekend. Sitting on a bench, she observed where squirrels had buried their nuts, only to then dig up those very same nuts and bury them elsewhere. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that the woman is Hennie Jowitt, a 3rd year English stu- dent at UCL.
Drug abuse among student popu- lations has been on the rise, and it is unclear if this helps to explain the in- cident. In an exclusive interview, Hen- nie’s friends admitted that they were concerned about her penchant for crack cocaine, which has worsened in recent months. Hennie has not given any explanation for why she has been re-locating squirrels’ nuts, beyond: ‘I just think it’s fun, and I’m a bit of a dick’. In fact, she is so proud of her newfound hobby that it has been her go-to icebreaker in every zoom break- out room since. Hennie displayed little empathy for the squirrels, claiming that they could go to Regent’s Park if they wanted their nuts buried safely. How- ever, she mentioned that as she enjoys walking there on weekends, the squir- rels had better work carefully.
UCL Psychology Department have confirmed that this is not the first in- cident of crack-induced squirrel mania. Some academics have even been taking freshers to witness the crazed nut dig- ging at lunchtime, as part of their Term 1 practical assessments.
Hennie’s nemesis, Dob Ravidson, has also accused her of catching and ‘removing’ squirrels. A few months ago, he caught a hair-covered Hennie with a squirming black bin bag outside Malet Place. In her defence, Hennie explained that she was taking the squir- rels to a local shelter, and that she had become tired of them stealing all the nuts in the area. ‘At first, it was just a bit of fun’, Hennie explained; ‘but then I got it. It’s so satisfying, having your very own nut that you can bury. I love it, and I want the nuts for myself.’
A few UCL psychology freshers supported these allegations, claiming that they witnessed Hennie chasing after the furry creatures in Torrington Square during Freshers’ Week. Olivia Hartington-Thompson, a first year psychology student from Surrey, asked: ‘What kind of crackhead do you have to be to catch a squirrel?’.
When pressed for further comment, Hennie said that she was too busy to be interviewed, as she was off to see her favourite ballet, ‘The Nutcracker’. However, she did emphasise that her motives were not malevolent: ‘I’m just a chaotic person, and I’m a creep - what the hell am I doing here?’