Last week journalists from the UK’s premier news outlets and Huffpost. com were called to Number 10 for a Brexit briefing. Upon their arrival they were segregated into two groups, the ‘Boris-negative’ (The Mirror, The In- dependent, The Times) and the ‘Boris- positive’ (The Telegraph, and the man who writes on the back of the toilet door in Stevenage Wetherspoons). Apartheid enforced, the ‘Boris-neg- ative’ journalists were then told to leave Number 10, prompting a soli- darity stirke by those remaining. This annoyed not-Dr Lee Cain, Director of Communications and testicleface suf- ferer, who stormed out of the room in protest, a bit like the journalists had all already done a few moments before.
Well, almost all of the journalists. 2006’s Guardian Student Media Award winning low-budget publication The Cheese Grater was also in attendance, but did not participate in the strike (that’s for not inviting us to the press corps Christmas drinks, wankers). Hence, we now present a world exclusive: What exactly is going to happen with Brexit?
We’re fucked. We’re all so fucked. We are so totally and completely fucked. David Frost cried, guys, HE CRIED. Nobody knows what’s going to happen, but they all know it’s going to be awful. Boris was glumly despair- wanking into a copy of The Spectator the whole time. Dominic Cummings is just a mannequin being operated by two children stacked on top of one and other. Priti Patel was the only positive face in the room, but when CG quizzed her as to why she just let out a long, dull tone reminiscent of a burglar alarm just after you’ve set it but before you’ve closed the front door. Nobody knows what they’re doing!!!!!!
And that concludes ‘What exactly is going to happen with Brexit?’