The Time Machine

Satire / 1 November 2015

The Provost’s Prophecy

Thug life is what happens when you’re making other plans

Anonymous

UCL is currently implementing its ambitious 2034 plan. The distinctive approach to research, education and innovation will further inspire Col- lege’s community to transform how the world is understood, how knowl- edge is created and shared and the way that global problems are solved. The Cheese Grater asked Professor Michael Arthur, UCL’s Provost, to ex- plain the changes taking place.

Hey gang! It’s your gnarly, rad #provost here (though I prefer Pro- fessor Michael Arthur, ye?) Yo, I’ve been thinkin’ while kickin’ back with my ace senior leadership legends in Council Room G12 about, you know, the #FUTURE of our nang college with my dank ass OG Af- ghan kush and I got totally amped for UCL 2034! Let me lay down our long term goals:

  1. Some choice academic lead- ership grounded as fuck in intellectual excellence. CCCC R R R RU U U U U U U- U N N N N N N N N N K K K K- KKKKKK!

  2. A #globalleader in the integra- tion of tubular research and education (ikr, NERDZ!), plus an inspirational student experience (for my freshest freshers and my peng post- grads!)

  3. Addressing global challenges through our disciplinary (yeah step-off dickweed) excelll- leeeeeeence and original UC brand cross-disciplinary approach.

  4. An schweeeeeet accessible, publicly-engaged no-wastoids- allowed organisation that fos- ters (not like Tracey Beakz fam) a lifelong community of bonus bitchin students, you feel me?

  5. London’s Primo Raw Univer- sity: in London, of London and for London. I KID YOU NOT, THREE TIMES BRUH, SHREDDIN’ IT.

  6. Delivering global impact through a network of innovative international activities, collabo- rations and partnerships.

I hope this clears up any doubts re- garding the future direction of the university, and leaves you with a clear vision of how we aim to maintain our position as one of the world’s best in- stitutions for both research and stu- dent experience.

Provost out!