In the wake of cerebral Ed Miliband’s spot of bother with party dissenters, whisperers on the Labour benches tell me that the party’s lesser Ed, Ed ‘Cock and’ Balls, has been spotted talking to himself.
One concerned member, who shall remain unnamed said: “I went into the facilities for my, err, 3 o’clock...uhm... poo, and there was the Shadow Chancel- lor washing his hands. We nodded at one another - a little too warmly considering the circumstances - and I popped into the disabled cubicle. Then Ed just started talking to himself. He said ‘There goes Miliband for his five past three wank. He thinks no-one knows; but then, he also thinks no-one would dare stab him in the back this close to election time’. I peeped out of my cubicle and saw him staring intently into the mirror, wringing his big hands. ‘Proximity to power deludes some into thinking they wield it, and Ed, well, he’s very deluded indeed.’ Then he left. He rubbed his hands on his trousers instead of using the Dyson Airblade.”
Reports of Mr. Yvette Cooper’s erratic behaviour emerged last May, when dur- ing one of Miliband’s opposition speech- es in PMQs, he looked straight into the camera and said, “Five years ago, I was Secretary of State for Children, Schools, and Families. I wasn’t even in the frame. Now look”, he nodded towards Mili- band, “I’m only three feet away”. A ter- rified Diane Abbott later described the incident as “really trippy”.
When we bumped into a gin-sodden Balls in the Strangers’ Bar, he giggled coquettishly and rubbished the allega- tions. When asked whether they had any substance, he said: “Oh, of course not. It’s just close to election time and everybody’s feeling the pressure. Ed knows I’m there for him one hundred percent. If you really want to know about instability, talk to George Os- borne!”. He then turned off-camera and said, “The press are hyenas - no more, no less. They’re scavengers. All you need to do is distract them with a juicier carcass than your own.” We then asked whether he needed psychiatric help. He winked at us and replied, “You might think that; I couldn’t possibly comment.”