Prancing about in her Channel 4 one- sie, Balding feels at ease with the world. She opens the fridge, and takes out a carton of Reduced Fat Activia yoghurt. She lets it drop to the floor, as a state- ment. True beauty comes from within. If anyone should know that, it’s Bald- ing. However, Balding is feeling a little bloated. She scoops it back up and eats it with her malleable hands. Waste not want not thinks Balding.
“I need a plumber”, thinks Balding. A plumber arrives. It’s film actor Kevin Bacon. Balding greets him with a raised eyebrow. Bacon walks straight past her, and asks for a tea, with two sugars. “Tea, three sugars”, Bacon asks incor- rectly. “No” replies Balding. Balding is a staunch feminist. Feminists hate tea.
“What d’ya need fixing”, asks Bacon. “My toilet won’t flush”, replies Balding, barely hiding the erotic undertones. “It’s overflowing with excrement”. Bacon pauses for a minute. Balding recipro- cates. Bacon takes all of his clothes off.
The microwave dings. Balding’s Tesco Everyday Value Cottage Pie is ready. Leaving Bacon naked in the hallway, she proceeds to swallow the pie whole. She spits out all the meat in one go. She doesn’t get any on her clothes. The only mess Balding makes is a mess tent for a homeless shelter. Balding’s good like that. Allegedly.
Bacon sends a text to George Cloon- ey. Bacon’s on EE. They give him 10 percent off. “Hey George”, says Bacon. “Hey Kevin”, replies George. George al- ways replies promptly. That’s why Kevin likes him. Allegedly.
Balding points Bacon in the direc- tion of the toilet. Bacon has mere sec- onds before the bathroom is flooded, with barely enough time to grill some chicken. Notably, he does manage to grill some chicken, but it is lacking his usual finesse. The bathroom floods. Ba- con slides safely downstairs on Balding’s training toboggan. Balding lies on the sofa watching daytime TV. She has one boob out.
Balding plays hard to get. She snap chats Angus Deayton. Bacon feels jeal- ous. Bacon writes Balding a poem. It’s beautiful and sensual and delicate and sensitive.
They Fuck.