Student union generalissimo Michael Chessum, known affectionately by his fol- lowers as ‘Michael Chessum’, has installed a Kevlar safe-room in place of the ULU dancefloor, having told friends of his fears that, “Now that they’ve got Bob and Tony, I’ve got to be next, haven’t I?”
The 38-year-old father of 3 is said to have taken up residence inside the huge structure not for his own safety, but rather for the sake of the future of the left. Speak- ing exclusively to The Cheese Grater, Ches- sum, wearing a burlap sack and listening to Roxy Music, attempted to give a rational explanation for the events unfolding.
“It’s simple really,” laughed the affa- ble Michael, 15, “you can’t see it because they’ve pulled the wool over your eyes, but the Tories are trying to kill me. I’m only the bloody heart and soul of the labour move- ment. Which is why I now live in this mas- sive cage. They’ve already picked off my mates, you know, the lads I set up in this game – people like Bob Crow, Tony Benn, Rosa Luxembourg. If they get me, then ba- sically it’s just Kinnock left, and he’s a big ginger freak”. Neil Kinnock, whose favour- ite drink is Um Bongo, was unavailable for comment.
While many have expressed disappoint- ment that 63-year-old spinster Chessum has “ruined it for everyone again” by bur- rowing into ULU and refusing to come out like a naughty shrew, others were more upbeat about the future of the Malet Street building as a venue. “Ooooooooh! That lovely Michael Chessum waiting for me in a cage? Chance’d be a fine thing,” said one 70s sitcom stereotype as queues built out- side the grubby hellhole last Friday. Crowds of degenerate freshers had to be dispersed after they reacted poorly to the news that their favourite debaucho-venue had been repurposed, but were soothed by reassur- ances that it was being put to a worthy use. As they sodded off, various murmurings of, “Who the fuck is Michael Chessum?” were heard, a sure sign that his legend will carry on down through the generations.
Chessum has told his mother that he will be home in time for Blue Peter.