The Time Machine

Satire / 1 January 2014

Deal Or No Meal

Anonymous

Hacks working for The News of the World have exposed the dark secret be- hind ‘Deal or No Deal’. Below is a tran- script leaked to The Cheese Grater from a recent phone conversation from the popular TV show:

(Phone ringing)

Noel Edmonds: Hello?

Voice: For the love of God let me out of here Noel! I want to die. Let me die!

Edmonds: He says he’s got a good feeling about your game today. He likes you. (audience laughter)

Voice: Not this shit again! Please! You’ve been keeping me here for six fucking years! It’s my son’s birthday today Noel, I beg you!

Edmonds: He says you’ll be a brave wom- an to turn down the next offer, don’t be a hero.

Voice: What happened to the woman with the food? I’m so hungry Noel.

Edmonds: He’s scared of you. You’re play- ing a very shrewd game.

Voice: Noel, I’ll do anything, just don’t make me do this again. What do I have to do to get out of here?

Edmonds: He says he’s thinking of a number.

Voice: Jesus Christ. Fine (pauses) …£40,000.

Edmonds: He’s made you the very gener- ous offer of £30,000.

Voice: That’s not what I… end of transcript