“I bought shares in the Royal Mail because I’m proud of what it stands for, what it has done for British people over the last 500 years and I’m proud to have a piece of British his- tory. But when the share price peaks, I’ll flog them and buy that gold-plated flat cap I’ve been eyeing.”
The Cheese Grater caught up with Patrick Clifton, Communication Workers’ Union Branch Secretary for Greendale and kids’ TV stop-motion celebrity, after he joined thou- sands of people buying shares in Royal Mail following its privatisation earlier this month. Postman Pat was previously interviewed by The Cheese Grater during the industrial dis- putes over modernisation in 2009 (CG22: “A Striker Speaks Out”), commenting “the man- agers have probably been planning for the sell- off for a long time, isn’t that right Jess?”
“It’s great that the government decided to pitch such a low flotation price. Isn’t it funny to think that every penny I make on my shares as the price settles is a penny stolen from the taxpayer. Better spent on me than on those benefits scroungers!” Pat laughed loudly for a few minutes and then asked for a moment to compose himself.
“The plan is to use my post route to deliver letters to every household in Greendale from prominent banks and hedge funds suggesting that they should all invest in LON:RMG as a matter of urgency,” Pat informed us, “then when the value has been inflated enough from the added interest, I can sell mine on and make a bit of dosh.”
When asked whether that would be entire- ly legal, Pat panted audibly and admitted “well it was Jess’s idea of course. And she said it was all completely legit. Isn’t that right, Jess?” He gestured at a duffel bag he had placed carefully on the bar stool between us at the beginning of the interview. I asked what was in the bag and Clifton whispered “be quiet, would you? Jess must be sleeping.” He carefully unzipped the bag and revealed a mess of rotting fur and cat bones. When I looked up, Pat was gone.