The first thing to do is to make yourself a space in which you feel comfortable. Not too comfortable you BLOODY PERVERT. Gather a few pillows around you but FOR GOD’S SAKE remove the pillow cases first because they’ll only distract you the horrible little bastards. Make sure you don’t have any bright colours to make your attention wander. Anything brighter than Mustard Yellow HAS TO GO. In fact just paint everything around you Mustard Yellow it’s a good colour. Stimu- lates the mind fires the appetite.
The sanctity of your precious nest MUST be established. If someone tries to interrupt you scream incoherently into their horrible face. The important thing is to remain very calm when you do this. Very calm. Still be loud and aggressive though OR they’ll not get the message.
Now for the Essay. You have to treat an essay like your opponent in a fist-fight. It’s slept with your HUSBAND wrapped in those warm arms you once found yourself entangled lov- ingly within. You came in on the Essay and the love of your life HORNING each other in the shower now you have to break that nervous grin right off its face. Pummel it. PUMMEL IT. Pummel it until it begs for mercy then spit in its eye because it’s horrible horrible horrible. What you absolutely MUSTN’T do is to al- low it to grapple you into a headlock and give you a swirly in the loo. That can happen more easily than you might imagine. Absolutely key tip there remember it well.
Also don’t forget to CLEARLY SIGN- POST your arguments at the head of each paragraph to make life easier for the person marking it and to give yourself direction and focus. When writing the conclusion don’t INTRODUCE any new ideas YOU BAS- TARD just briefly summate and analyse the ones you’ve already covered while wrapping up what you stated in the INTRODUC- TION.