It was today revealed that all bus drivers are entered into a pact with Satan, sparking relief and dawning comprehension across the globe. Previous knowledge had as- sumed that bus drivers were grumpy fuck- ers because of long hours, poor pay and worthless interaction with fellow humans, though no explanation to date had fully accounted for why bus drivers take it upon themselves to be quite so bloody horrible.
Nigel Fink, former busman and min- ion of Satan, released a tell-all book this morning revealing TfL’s relationship with Beelzebub, one based on the threat of an eternity spent paddling in the river Styx. Shortly after his book launch, Mr Fink was swallowed by a fiery chasm which erupted from below his very feet; the Lord of Dark- ness is quoted as having said “Mankind will pay for its sins”.
The book’s shocking revelations include refusing to give change for £10 notes de- spite “making sure I have lots of change every morning”, completely ‘free styling’ his bus route for no reason, and refusing to stop when someone rang the bell because “Satan said he would give me a really vi- cious noogie”.
Also included were various instances of drivers pretending not to understand “The Ethnics,” braking unnecessarily harshly, and knocking cyclists off their bikes in accord- ance with the Devil’s demands.
Fink was accidentally released from his pact with His Unholiness on a busman’s holiday to Rome, during which his wife tried to drown him in what turned out to be a font of holy water. To his wife’s delight, Fink was exorcised and became, in her words, “almost immediately less of a bas- tard, so I thought to myself: ‘Maybe I won’t kill him after all’”. Fink then decided to pen a memoir explaining his career spent being an arsehole.
Due to a chronic lack of friends caused by his occupation, Mr. Fink’s funeral is open to anybody who can be bothered to turn up. It will take place next Tuesday underneath the A40 flyover, which can be reached by taking the number 18 to Sud- bury and getting off at the ‘Bishop’s Bridge/ Little Venice’ stop. Flowers to the Willes- den Junction bus depot.