First off, cut out the dead wood and burn it in the quad. When it’s burnt out, cut some more. This is not a metaphor. I do not in- dulge in metaphors.
I do like a good simile, however. Treat your university like a huge trifle. First, you’ve got the jelly, which is like the wobbly academ- ic staff, who always throw wobblies when you try to cut their jobs. Second, you’ve got the sponge, which is the like the no-good sponger students, who sponge off society. Not worked out what the custard is yet, but I do know that the cherry on top is me, Malcolm Grant.
I always tell people this whilst eating a massive trifle, because I love trifle. Sometimes they ask “Please Malcolm, can I have some?” And I calmly say “No”, before banging the ladele against the table and shouting “No” over and over again.
And that’s how to run a university. Goodbye.