Yesterday, a team of leading scientists at the J.H. Kellogg memorial labora- tory announced the findings of their investigation into why it was that Kel- logg’s Corn Flakes© are just so amazing. On every variable they could measure, and that’s all of them, Kellogg’s Corn Flakes© were just found to be really brilliant. It’s hardly surprising, since as every man, woman, and child between the ages of 2-82 knows, Kellogg’s Corn Flakes© are the happiest and most won- derful cereal available on the market.
We received a letter from 96 year old mother of seven, Ethel. She asked, “Dear Kelloggs. I’ve eaten a bowl of Corn Flakes every morning since I was small enough to fit in the packet! Having sur- vived five husbands and the Korean War I was just wondering, is it Kellogg’s Corn Flakes© keeping me alive? Am I immor- tal?” After busting our chops in the lab for almost an hour, we discovered that Kellogg’s Corn Flakes© are full of corn – which makes you live forever! We sent Ethel a complimentary box of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes©, a complimentary rooster mouse mat, and some complimentary advice on how to deal with the loneli- ness of immortality.
In other news, Kellogg Company PLC has strenuously denied accusations of using their new position as owner of several large media conglomerates to in- fluence news coverage of their company, with a spokesman calling it “almost as laughable as the joyous laughter of sat- isfaction that our products bring to peo- ple all around the world”.